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Confusion
5 years ago
My current fursona is a very odd specimen. Most people just make and kill fursonas at a whim, or for unimportant reasons. But not me. Every time I perceive a drastic difference in my personality, life, or friend group between when I created it and the moment of reflection, I switch fursonas. Every time I undergo a massive trek towards a path not previously in mind. But not this one. And it's not because I haven't changed - I've changed a lot from early-mid last year to now. My personality has changed, I've evolved many skills I never even thought I had, and my friend group has drastically changed. But my life hasn't, not overall.
After around a full hour of reflection while listening to C418's 'Cat' on loop along with other old Minecraft music discs, I've realised why. My fursona started out as an outgoing, better version of myself. It then morphed into a representation of my worst aspects, raw and obvious - a scapegoat for whenever I acted wrongly. Finally, it became this sort of.. mysterious figure that not even I knew. Like when a person changes so much they're unrecognizable. Even the name has changed a ton, from the first name switching from Alfred to Alphard repeatedly, to the surname going from Garrison, to Gargett, to Pawlik. For no reason other than a purely aesthetic one, and now I don't even know what to call him.
But now I think I finally understand him. He's neither the worst of me nor the best of me. He's me. He's just the worst when I'm at my worst, the best when I'm at my best, and saddest when I'm at my saddest. Things ranging from kink-related abilities to semi-immortality come and based on how I'm feeling during that time. I still feel my life is stagnant, that I'm running on a treadmill while everyone else is on open ground. At the same time, I also feel like the clear linear improvement of skills such as drawing and sound design gives me a rush of inspiration unmatched by anything else that overtakes whatever else I even can feel, even grief. And when I look at him, I think what defines him is the simultaneity of two concepts or feelings. And I think they're what define me as well, or at least, my life with him as my fursona.
Acerbic melancholy and naive hopefulness.
After around a full hour of reflection while listening to C418's 'Cat' on loop along with other old Minecraft music discs, I've realised why. My fursona started out as an outgoing, better version of myself. It then morphed into a representation of my worst aspects, raw and obvious - a scapegoat for whenever I acted wrongly. Finally, it became this sort of.. mysterious figure that not even I knew. Like when a person changes so much they're unrecognizable. Even the name has changed a ton, from the first name switching from Alfred to Alphard repeatedly, to the surname going from Garrison, to Gargett, to Pawlik. For no reason other than a purely aesthetic one, and now I don't even know what to call him.
But now I think I finally understand him. He's neither the worst of me nor the best of me. He's me. He's just the worst when I'm at my worst, the best when I'm at my best, and saddest when I'm at my saddest. Things ranging from kink-related abilities to semi-immortality come and based on how I'm feeling during that time. I still feel my life is stagnant, that I'm running on a treadmill while everyone else is on open ground. At the same time, I also feel like the clear linear improvement of skills such as drawing and sound design gives me a rush of inspiration unmatched by anything else that overtakes whatever else I even can feel, even grief. And when I look at him, I think what defines him is the simultaneity of two concepts or feelings. And I think they're what define me as well, or at least, my life with him as my fursona.
Acerbic melancholy and naive hopefulness.
