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How I've been feeling lately
5 years ago
I was contemplating not doing this. I honestly was. But since nobody even bothers reading these things I figured I just need to get this out. Despite how it might seem to some people I'm not doing too well. I haven't been doing well for quite a while a now....a long while actually. A lot has happened and despite trying desperately to not let it get to me, it has. And now, I find myself realizing something. All of the misfortune that has been falling on me, I must have done something to deserve it.
I try really hard to be good person because that's just how I am. Am I perfect? No. I'm not and I never will be. Despite that I try to do the right thing even if it's extremely difficult. I try to be there for people, I try to help, I try to show people that they aren't alone. But deep down, I'm a horrible person. I try to help others while also shouldering my own issues myself and going it alone. I do this all while trying to be positive for others. Being positive for others...that's really easy...doing it for yourself is a different story.
As I said earlier, I've been going through a lot lately and it has gotten to me. So much that everything that I've kept inside for so long has come spilling out...slowly but surely. Over the past year or two, I've been hurt so many times that I've nearly turned to drugs to try to numb the pain. I've had falling outs with the people closest to me. I've lost friends. I've had anxiety attacks. And even recently my uncle was killed by police...and they pretty much aren't being held accountable. People I cherished as friends have walked out on me without a word. While others moved on just left me behind. I've been hurt, robbed, ripped off, betrayed, abandoned and it never seems to end. I've broken down. I've cried. I've lost sleep. I hardly eat anymore. And there just seems to be no end in sight. People always say "things will get better". When? When will things possibly get better? Because from where I'm standing, it's like no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try to stay positive, life and people continue to screw me over.
All of these thoughts, feelings, and situations have made me think that maybe I did do something to deserve this and my misfortune is just karma getting me. Maybe I'm the terrible person. Maybe I've hurt people without realizing it. Maybe I brought all this on myself. Maybe I don't deserve friends.
On that matter, I've also began to question if I really have any friends at all anymore. Most either left or hate me. Everywhere I usually go, be it DeviantArt, FurAffinity, Inkbunny, or even Facebook, everyone seems to just be gone. Hell even discord has been dying for me in the last few months. Again I ask if I even have any friends...
Its funny...people have made jokes and memes using using that one clip from that Katy Perry interview...the one where she said "You just have to say that you're fine, when you're not really fine, but you just can't get into it because they would never understand." As much of a joke as that might be to some people, that's honestly how I've been for a long time now. People say they understand but do they really? And if they honestly did then why is it that the first thing they say is "get help"? I just don't know. I don't know anything anymore...
I've tried so hard to cope. But these events and situations have even made it hard for me to enjoy the things I used to enjoy because they end making me remember things I don't want to. I'm not happy. I haven't been for a really long time. Everytime I get a bit of it, it's always snatched away from me to the point now I feel like anything I really want out of life is just asking too much.
Which has left me questioning...Is life even worth it anymore?
If I could just get some answers to these questions, I'd at least be content. But even that is asking too much out of fate. I just don't understand what I'm doing wrong. I try to good person...I try to be there and support people when they need it....I try to do always do the right thing even if that means making the hard decisions other people are incapable of making. But where does that get me? I can't change the way I am. I'm a naturally kindhearted person and I'll always be. Because I refuse to turn into someone who is disrespectful and just rude towards people for no reason whatsoever.
I've tried taking breaks, I've tried venting to friends, I've tried making vent art...all it does is make people hate me even more and judge me...I've even tried that stupid hotline. Nothing works and I'm still unhappy Sometimes I feel like I truly have only one way to make all of this pain stop. I keep saying that maybe I did something to deserve my misfortune...if that is the case...all I want to know is what did I do. But I can't even get that.
There's honestly no hope left for me.
I try really hard to be good person because that's just how I am. Am I perfect? No. I'm not and I never will be. Despite that I try to do the right thing even if it's extremely difficult. I try to be there for people, I try to help, I try to show people that they aren't alone. But deep down, I'm a horrible person. I try to help others while also shouldering my own issues myself and going it alone. I do this all while trying to be positive for others. Being positive for others...that's really easy...doing it for yourself is a different story.
As I said earlier, I've been going through a lot lately and it has gotten to me. So much that everything that I've kept inside for so long has come spilling out...slowly but surely. Over the past year or two, I've been hurt so many times that I've nearly turned to drugs to try to numb the pain. I've had falling outs with the people closest to me. I've lost friends. I've had anxiety attacks. And even recently my uncle was killed by police...and they pretty much aren't being held accountable. People I cherished as friends have walked out on me without a word. While others moved on just left me behind. I've been hurt, robbed, ripped off, betrayed, abandoned and it never seems to end. I've broken down. I've cried. I've lost sleep. I hardly eat anymore. And there just seems to be no end in sight. People always say "things will get better". When? When will things possibly get better? Because from where I'm standing, it's like no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try to stay positive, life and people continue to screw me over.
All of these thoughts, feelings, and situations have made me think that maybe I did do something to deserve this and my misfortune is just karma getting me. Maybe I'm the terrible person. Maybe I've hurt people without realizing it. Maybe I brought all this on myself. Maybe I don't deserve friends.
On that matter, I've also began to question if I really have any friends at all anymore. Most either left or hate me. Everywhere I usually go, be it DeviantArt, FurAffinity, Inkbunny, or even Facebook, everyone seems to just be gone. Hell even discord has been dying for me in the last few months. Again I ask if I even have any friends...
Its funny...people have made jokes and memes using using that one clip from that Katy Perry interview...the one where she said "You just have to say that you're fine, when you're not really fine, but you just can't get into it because they would never understand." As much of a joke as that might be to some people, that's honestly how I've been for a long time now. People say they understand but do they really? And if they honestly did then why is it that the first thing they say is "get help"? I just don't know. I don't know anything anymore...
I've tried so hard to cope. But these events and situations have even made it hard for me to enjoy the things I used to enjoy because they end making me remember things I don't want to. I'm not happy. I haven't been for a really long time. Everytime I get a bit of it, it's always snatched away from me to the point now I feel like anything I really want out of life is just asking too much.
Which has left me questioning...Is life even worth it anymore?
If I could just get some answers to these questions, I'd at least be content. But even that is asking too much out of fate. I just don't understand what I'm doing wrong. I try to good person...I try to be there and support people when they need it....I try to do always do the right thing even if that means making the hard decisions other people are incapable of making. But where does that get me? I can't change the way I am. I'm a naturally kindhearted person and I'll always be. Because I refuse to turn into someone who is disrespectful and just rude towards people for no reason whatsoever.
I've tried taking breaks, I've tried venting to friends, I've tried making vent art...all it does is make people hate me even more and judge me...I've even tried that stupid hotline. Nothing works and I'm still unhappy Sometimes I feel like I truly have only one way to make all of this pain stop. I keep saying that maybe I did something to deserve my misfortune...if that is the case...all I want to know is what did I do. But I can't even get that.
There's honestly no hope left for me.
