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Stress beyond stress
5 years ago
The last 2-3 months of my life, basically ever since I returned from California, have been a shit show of nonstop stress and garbage.
I'm constantly in this state of "trying to recover" from the last shitty thing that happened, but I can never get there because like clockwork, every week or two, a new shitty thing happens to bring me back down all over again. I've been trying to even get back to a neutral level of mental health and try to do something productive or creative, but it just keeps not happening.
Having to move back to my parents' place, again, after all the drama that happened before.
Ongoing dental issues that took months to resolves, including two tooth crowns that needed to be replaced. I barely had enough money to cover one, I absolutely could NOT cover a second one. The day I found out the 2nd one needed to be replaced, and how much it would cost, I cried as soon as I got back to my car, harder than I ever have in my adult life...
(Fortunately, an old friend of mine was willing and able to cover the cost of that crown, so that ended up being not-so-bad)
Finally getting a new phone and new phone service for the first time in a long time, with unlimited data and the ability to tether, which free'd me from the piss poor laggy satellite internet we have here at the house, only for this same phone service to stop working for nearly a week... sounds like not that big a deal in retrospect, but it fucking sucked to be forced back to the shit show of internet that is satellite.
Random failures of the air conditioning in this part of the house, during the summer/pre-summer months, in Arizona.
Random failures of half the electrical outlets in my room, had to bust out a bunch of extension cables and have them running across my room.
A car with a completely dead AC, electrical problems, a cracked motor mount, etc...
No job, my only real income being the trickle I get from my Secondlife store.
The general state of the world, or I guess more so the United States. A shitty response to the pandemic, police brutality in the limelight, disheartening videos from the protests, etc
And then to top it all off... my mother died from a fucking brain aneurysm. On the 4th of July.
And that same day, my older brother responded to it by getting shitfaced drunk beyond measure and becoming belligerent, cycling between saying he wanted to kill everyone, shouting things at god, crying and saying he didn't mean it, and crying and saying he just wanted his mom to be okay. I spent over an hour wrangling him, trying to stop him from falling down and hurting himself, or from punching/hitting anything. Then he punched a glass light fixture, our father heard the noise in came in and started yelling at him, then me, my younger brother, and like 3 of my female cousins all had to stop a fight from breaking out. By the end of it, his girlfriend was crying, one of my cousins was crying, and maybe even a second cousin was crying.
Beyond that, there was some more drama a week or two later, but thankfully I was asleep for that one. Screaming and yelling and stuff during the night, but it happened in the main part of the house, away from where my room is, so I remain undisturbed by it.
Beyond -that-, the AC for this part of the house has died completely. We're projected to reach a high of 113F today, and 116F the next two days. Inside of my room it's been getting above 95F during the hottest parts of the day. It's been fuckin' miserable. I'm doing what I can to keep cool, but it's still pretty fuckin' miserable :L
And that's about it. The disaster that my life has become. I miss my fucking apartment, I miss my entire life before this year, I miss living alone, I miss being independent and not having to live at my parents' place... or I guess it's just my father's place now... at the ripe old age of 33.
Oh and this fucking pandemic isn't helping anything, either, but that goes without saying.
I feel like my normal positivity has been eroded away this past year, especially these past few months. I'm basically just constantly waiting for the next shitty thing to happen in life, because shitty things just keep happening.
===
Alright, that's enough complaining for now. Wish me luck in whatever stupid shit happens next =.=
P.S. I don't blame my older brother at all for the way he acted that day, his mother just died, and he was closer to her than I was. I still wish he -hadn't- behaved that way, but I also forgive him completely.
I'm constantly in this state of "trying to recover" from the last shitty thing that happened, but I can never get there because like clockwork, every week or two, a new shitty thing happens to bring me back down all over again. I've been trying to even get back to a neutral level of mental health and try to do something productive or creative, but it just keeps not happening.
Having to move back to my parents' place, again, after all the drama that happened before.
Ongoing dental issues that took months to resolves, including two tooth crowns that needed to be replaced. I barely had enough money to cover one, I absolutely could NOT cover a second one. The day I found out the 2nd one needed to be replaced, and how much it would cost, I cried as soon as I got back to my car, harder than I ever have in my adult life...
(Fortunately, an old friend of mine was willing and able to cover the cost of that crown, so that ended up being not-so-bad)
Finally getting a new phone and new phone service for the first time in a long time, with unlimited data and the ability to tether, which free'd me from the piss poor laggy satellite internet we have here at the house, only for this same phone service to stop working for nearly a week... sounds like not that big a deal in retrospect, but it fucking sucked to be forced back to the shit show of internet that is satellite.
Random failures of the air conditioning in this part of the house, during the summer/pre-summer months, in Arizona.
Random failures of half the electrical outlets in my room, had to bust out a bunch of extension cables and have them running across my room.
A car with a completely dead AC, electrical problems, a cracked motor mount, etc...
No job, my only real income being the trickle I get from my Secondlife store.
The general state of the world, or I guess more so the United States. A shitty response to the pandemic, police brutality in the limelight, disheartening videos from the protests, etc
And then to top it all off... my mother died from a fucking brain aneurysm. On the 4th of July.
And that same day, my older brother responded to it by getting shitfaced drunk beyond measure and becoming belligerent, cycling between saying he wanted to kill everyone, shouting things at god, crying and saying he didn't mean it, and crying and saying he just wanted his mom to be okay. I spent over an hour wrangling him, trying to stop him from falling down and hurting himself, or from punching/hitting anything. Then he punched a glass light fixture, our father heard the noise in came in and started yelling at him, then me, my younger brother, and like 3 of my female cousins all had to stop a fight from breaking out. By the end of it, his girlfriend was crying, one of my cousins was crying, and maybe even a second cousin was crying.
Beyond that, there was some more drama a week or two later, but thankfully I was asleep for that one. Screaming and yelling and stuff during the night, but it happened in the main part of the house, away from where my room is, so I remain undisturbed by it.
Beyond -that-, the AC for this part of the house has died completely. We're projected to reach a high of 113F today, and 116F the next two days. Inside of my room it's been getting above 95F during the hottest parts of the day. It's been fuckin' miserable. I'm doing what I can to keep cool, but it's still pretty fuckin' miserable :L
And that's about it. The disaster that my life has become. I miss my fucking apartment, I miss my entire life before this year, I miss living alone, I miss being independent and not having to live at my parents' place... or I guess it's just my father's place now... at the ripe old age of 33.
Oh and this fucking pandemic isn't helping anything, either, but that goes without saying.
I feel like my normal positivity has been eroded away this past year, especially these past few months. I'm basically just constantly waiting for the next shitty thing to happen in life, because shitty things just keep happening.
===
Alright, that's enough complaining for now. Wish me luck in whatever stupid shit happens next =.=
P.S. I don't blame my older brother at all for the way he acted that day, his mother just died, and he was closer to her than I was. I still wish he -hadn't- behaved that way, but I also forgive him completely.
Haven't known you all that long (handful of months?), but as far as I can tell, you're just a genuinely nice guy, have been a good, silly, fun friend, and deserve so much better.
Wish there was anything I could do to help, but I hope things begin to look up soon. Surely 2020's bag of tricks must be empty by now... Hopefully, in a few years or something, you can look back on this year with relief that those days have passed.
Much dragon love and wing hugs to you <3