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Gratuitous Splatterage
19 years ago
General
Somehow, this shit hitting the fan doesn't seem nearly as horrible as i thought it would be--but make no mistake, this does NOT mean i'm a scatophile or anything. It just means that the downturn my life just took isn't looking as bad for me as it probably should.
Maybe it's because I'm in denial on some level, even though I'm not really denying it:
I have to be Gone. My roommates gave me thirty days.
ASAP, I have to get that car signed out of my name and into the name of my soon-to-be-ex-roommate's-mother's name. and i'll be happy to have it done. Not 'good riddance' or anything like that... it's just a huge weight on my shoulders that I'll be happy to have off, and an anchor to this place that I'd rather not have.
I admit this could've gone worse. she could've tried to kill me. Then again, this IS the worst-case-scenario I thought was going to happen a few months ago. In 20/20 retrospect, I really think that the time she blew up at me for wanting to be alone was what resigned me to this. Ever since then, I just couldn't stand it anymore. Everything she did dug into me and TWISTED like a rusty, grime-covered dagger. Every time she made a mistake, I felt the snide, putrid urge to have an "I told you so". ... living here is turning me into a very mean person and I don't think I want to risk that anymore anyways.
ANYWHO, the magic moment is approaching...
The one single most vastly important event is fast occurring: Where I am destined either for PROSPERITY or for DEATH. I'm going up to fredericksburg next week to visit some very good friends... Amanda and Eric. Amanda's going to try to hook me up with a job at Geico. A nice, stable desk job. that would be very nice. it would.
the cheapest rent for a one bedroom apartment would be $750.00 a month in fredericksburg... but if I can get full-time employment, even at $7.75 an hour, I'll have maybe $250.00 left over for utilities, food, or whatever.
But, I will live or I will die. It really... doesn't seem to matter much anymore. Who will it make a diference to if 'ol stoney is no-more?
... well, my friends, first of all.. --but I've already established that I'm living for them in the first place!! If I DIDN'T have them, I'd have fled this body or even... done something MORE drastic than even that.
It's funny though; a few months ago I could've sworn this would be a miserable state to be in... but it's not. I feel calm, reserved, patient, and somehow... maybe even ready? well whatever it is, this is the make-or-break, the main event. The fledgeling hawk must learn how to fly.
...if you think I deserve to live, you could help me survive by buying a commission for dirt cheap--you name the price. Even a buck; I don't care, as long as it reaches my paypal. I have so much daily time, I don't know what to do with it all--so fill it with ART! At least for the next two weeks... after that, if I'm not distinctly surviving, I will be distinctly Dying. As in, homeless, penniless.
As I put it to my dear friend Verm Frost:
"I'm okay...
I'm glad to know that you cared... but I'll be okay, whatever happens. Even if you don't hear from me for a long time... I won't regret.
I'll miss you, but I won't regret."
<3
Maybe it's because I'm in denial on some level, even though I'm not really denying it:
I have to be Gone. My roommates gave me thirty days.
ASAP, I have to get that car signed out of my name and into the name of my soon-to-be-ex-roommate's-mother's name. and i'll be happy to have it done. Not 'good riddance' or anything like that... it's just a huge weight on my shoulders that I'll be happy to have off, and an anchor to this place that I'd rather not have.
I admit this could've gone worse. she could've tried to kill me. Then again, this IS the worst-case-scenario I thought was going to happen a few months ago. In 20/20 retrospect, I really think that the time she blew up at me for wanting to be alone was what resigned me to this. Ever since then, I just couldn't stand it anymore. Everything she did dug into me and TWISTED like a rusty, grime-covered dagger. Every time she made a mistake, I felt the snide, putrid urge to have an "I told you so". ... living here is turning me into a very mean person and I don't think I want to risk that anymore anyways.
ANYWHO, the magic moment is approaching...
The one single most vastly important event is fast occurring: Where I am destined either for PROSPERITY or for DEATH. I'm going up to fredericksburg next week to visit some very good friends... Amanda and Eric. Amanda's going to try to hook me up with a job at Geico. A nice, stable desk job. that would be very nice. it would.
the cheapest rent for a one bedroom apartment would be $750.00 a month in fredericksburg... but if I can get full-time employment, even at $7.75 an hour, I'll have maybe $250.00 left over for utilities, food, or whatever.
But, I will live or I will die. It really... doesn't seem to matter much anymore. Who will it make a diference to if 'ol stoney is no-more?
... well, my friends, first of all.. --but I've already established that I'm living for them in the first place!! If I DIDN'T have them, I'd have fled this body or even... done something MORE drastic than even that.
It's funny though; a few months ago I could've sworn this would be a miserable state to be in... but it's not. I feel calm, reserved, patient, and somehow... maybe even ready? well whatever it is, this is the make-or-break, the main event. The fledgeling hawk must learn how to fly.
...if you think I deserve to live, you could help me survive by buying a commission for dirt cheap--you name the price. Even a buck; I don't care, as long as it reaches my paypal. I have so much daily time, I don't know what to do with it all--so fill it with ART! At least for the next two weeks... after that, if I'm not distinctly surviving, I will be distinctly Dying. As in, homeless, penniless.
As I put it to my dear friend Verm Frost:
"I'm okay...
I'm glad to know that you cared... but I'll be okay, whatever happens. Even if you don't hear from me for a long time... I won't regret.
I'll miss you, but I won't regret."
<3
I can't argue anymore the benefits and detriments of you coming back to Massachusetts, not because I've run out of arguments (because I certainly haven't), but because I just don't have the energy left. I've been arguing it for a while...and I feel like I've been arguing with the wall. Though I must say, for a couple days there were a few of us excited about the propsect of you coming back up here...myself (which is a *duh!*, and Laura too!)...I will not speak for J-chan, since she is on here I will leave her say to her. But now all I feel is tired--tired of saying the same damn things and not being heard.
You will do what you need to do. When you find a new roost, let the rest of us know. There ARE still people up here who are concerned about you, and who care, and who also feel that since you have not just friends up here but family as well, that being up here would have the most benefit for you. I will admit I was especially looking forward to seeing you possibly get back into school..........I will say no more. I can't. It's taken too much out of me already. Just leave some message as to where you go, so I can pass it on to the other people besides me who worry.
The Den Mother (once again)
every single one of your points has proven to be exactly true. You were right.
If I can't find an anchor here, I'll HAVE to come back. Part of me wonders if I might've subconsciously sabotaged my job so I could have an excuse to leave my roommates. I miss home, I miss you, I miss my parents, I miss my family, I miss Laura, and Andrew, and Raina, and... even a lot of people you've never even met x.x I start to wonder if all this happened just to force me to go home, even though I don't think it's wise to pass blame up to divine intervention for things that could otherwise be my own damned fault.