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2020
5 years ago
Not for the innocent
I tell ya peeps, this has been a pretty lousy year. Not just for me, but for everyone... but I can't speak for everyone, I can only speak for myself, so might as well make a journal entry right? Just general updates, a little ranting on my own flaws and essentially a list of my fears for the future. Bear with me as I go all over the place. I'm just writing these down as they enter my head. Who knows, it might be therapeutic?
So many problems, no way to solve them. Work has me furloughed until further notice due to the pandemic, in the meantime i'm doing a side gig working for my dads friend who is an auto dealer, traveling places to retrieve vehicles he's bought at auction. Not a bad job but not sustainable either, plus it means dealing with the fact that i'm in my 30s and I still need my dad to bail me out. I'm terrified of what next tax year is gonna bring because i've been having to take the governments CERB program, which people CONSTANTLY remind me will have to be paid back sometime. I'm trying my best to keep everything afloat but every day it feels harder and harder to do. It feels impossible to save money in a climate like this, but somehow it feels like I have a thousand eyes on me at all times expecting me to be better and to do more, but that can't be how it actually is, right? I'm in my 30s now, my teenage angst phase was supposed to have come and gone years ago, wasn't it? I wish I didn't feel so tired all the time.
I try not to watch the news because it just makes me feel awful. Angry, sad, fearful, take your pick... but I know I can't ignore it either, otherwise i'm just burying my head in the sand and keeping myself willfully ignorant of the world around me.
People tell me all the time "Oh you can talk to me about anything if you need to." when I really can't either due to differing ideologies, my own fears, or the sense that the people who offer that REALLY don't know what it is that they're offering. I've seen it a million times, someone says to talk to them about my problems one moment, then the next moment acting completely annoyed that I would have the nerve to say anything about it. I know i've said this same thing to others and acted the same way, I feel awful just thinking about it. I suppose I WANT to help, but i'm very much not equipped to do so. I'm not a professional in the slightest, there are people far more qualified to deal with such things.
I don't even know if anything i've typed up so far is how I really feel, because it seems like how I feel about anything is constantly changing from one minute to the next. Sometimes I feel like all I have in the whole world is my wonderful wife, this tiny, shitty apartment we live in, our cat, and rolling dice every friday and sunday to make our imaginary characters save the world. I have some wonderful friends who I know I should be able to talk to about my issues, but I can't for reasons I already stated, which I know are probably not good enough... I just can't. I wish I had a better answer but I don't... I just can't.
It's funny that I can dispense advice for people for days, but I can't figure out anything for myself. Part of me wants to blame my father for many of my problems, but I know it's probably all something I did or didn't do. I've pretty much been a failure/loser at everything i've ever done. Prisma constantly tells me what a good husband I am, but it's hard for me to see it. I want to like myself more. I used to, but somewhere down the line I lost it. I had an idea to try and deal with most of this. A writing exercise where I write out a conversation with 3 different aged versions of myself. I think that it would be interesting and maybe even a touch fun, but i've been too lazy to do it.
I don't want feel like this anymore. I miss having self confidence.
So that's what's been on my mind. I dunno if any of it made sense, or if i'm just whining. First world problems, right?
So many problems, no way to solve them. Work has me furloughed until further notice due to the pandemic, in the meantime i'm doing a side gig working for my dads friend who is an auto dealer, traveling places to retrieve vehicles he's bought at auction. Not a bad job but not sustainable either, plus it means dealing with the fact that i'm in my 30s and I still need my dad to bail me out. I'm terrified of what next tax year is gonna bring because i've been having to take the governments CERB program, which people CONSTANTLY remind me will have to be paid back sometime. I'm trying my best to keep everything afloat but every day it feels harder and harder to do. It feels impossible to save money in a climate like this, but somehow it feels like I have a thousand eyes on me at all times expecting me to be better and to do more, but that can't be how it actually is, right? I'm in my 30s now, my teenage angst phase was supposed to have come and gone years ago, wasn't it? I wish I didn't feel so tired all the time.
I try not to watch the news because it just makes me feel awful. Angry, sad, fearful, take your pick... but I know I can't ignore it either, otherwise i'm just burying my head in the sand and keeping myself willfully ignorant of the world around me.
People tell me all the time "Oh you can talk to me about anything if you need to." when I really can't either due to differing ideologies, my own fears, or the sense that the people who offer that REALLY don't know what it is that they're offering. I've seen it a million times, someone says to talk to them about my problems one moment, then the next moment acting completely annoyed that I would have the nerve to say anything about it. I know i've said this same thing to others and acted the same way, I feel awful just thinking about it. I suppose I WANT to help, but i'm very much not equipped to do so. I'm not a professional in the slightest, there are people far more qualified to deal with such things.
I don't even know if anything i've typed up so far is how I really feel, because it seems like how I feel about anything is constantly changing from one minute to the next. Sometimes I feel like all I have in the whole world is my wonderful wife, this tiny, shitty apartment we live in, our cat, and rolling dice every friday and sunday to make our imaginary characters save the world. I have some wonderful friends who I know I should be able to talk to about my issues, but I can't for reasons I already stated, which I know are probably not good enough... I just can't. I wish I had a better answer but I don't... I just can't.
It's funny that I can dispense advice for people for days, but I can't figure out anything for myself. Part of me wants to blame my father for many of my problems, but I know it's probably all something I did or didn't do. I've pretty much been a failure/loser at everything i've ever done. Prisma constantly tells me what a good husband I am, but it's hard for me to see it. I want to like myself more. I used to, but somewhere down the line I lost it. I had an idea to try and deal with most of this. A writing exercise where I write out a conversation with 3 different aged versions of myself. I think that it would be interesting and maybe even a touch fun, but i've been too lazy to do it.
I don't want feel like this anymore. I miss having self confidence.
So that's what's been on my mind. I dunno if any of it made sense, or if i'm just whining. First world problems, right?
It may look like the world is crumbling into pieces, it's been that way for several months now, even before we first heard about the virus, and even before mister you-know-who was elected president, but I am still trying myself not to watch the news anyway. It really affects my own mental health and wellbeing, it makes me want to harm myself or any other person that I encounter in a certain way. No matter what happens, I know that I have no control over what happens in these current events, and I understand that people are always gonna do stupid and ridiculous things. But I try not to let it bother me that much. It's really difficult, I know. But please don't let this miserable year get the best of you. I am confident you can get right through this. I know you can. Honestly. :)