FA+
Shop
The end of a relationship.
5 years ago
General
Thoughts, and various mad ramblings. Exactly what it says on the tin. As stated before in previous journals, I'm not one to ramble or complain to strangers, but I need to vent, and to whoever reads this, just know that I'm not looking for anything in particular. Kind words or bits of advice or your own personal experiences; whatever you feel like posting (or not posting), don't sweat it. With that said...
I lost my girlfriend, today. We'd date for almost a year, long-distance, and though I made the effort to fly cross-country and see her, our relationship was always a bit strained. There was a period early on where she seemed eager as hell to talk to me and we could go on and on for hours, but somewhere along the line, it changed, though I don't recall doing anything different. I considered her a premier catch, right down to us both being furry and Christian, which is hard enough to find if you only choose one of those things. Shit you not, she seemed tailor made for me, like an answered prayer, and I was even willing to uproot my life and move to the center of the country to be with her; I admit, though, that it was in between our families. I'm all about the fairness and wanted us to both sacrifice, not have it all be one-sided. I've already had relationships where I gave it all and I'm not going to be a Beta male, but I digress...
As our relationship soured, she wondered about her feelings and so we stopped talking every day, something that immediately effected me, but not her. That should've been my first clue, and to a point, it was. After 3 or 4 weeks with only about 6 calls made, she finally decided how she felt, and that was... Nothing romantic. I'm not sure why or how, as I made all of the effort I could. I even gave this girl her first kiss, after flying 1,000 miles and staying in a crummy little hotel for a week! I never pushed for sex, I always cared about her feelings, and now I'm reminded of another situation where I wasted a year trying to have a relationship with someone who ended up abandoning me.
To be fair, she and I can be friends and she was very cordial. Honestly, that might be what hurt the most. That and I have a sneaking suspicion that maybe she likes a guy in her home town, though that could be paranoia. In the end, what disappoints me the most is what I never get to have. One of these days I actually want a wife and kids. One of these days, I'd like to feel like someone other than my parents and my best-friend/heterosexual life partner care about me. Call me callous or selfish, but it'd be nice to know that if I passed away in some car accident or something like that, more than a handful of people would be upset by it.
Ironically, I posted a poem today (https://www.furaffinity.net/view/37853650/), which I wrote around the time my now ex-girlfriend decided she didn't love me. It's a free verse poem about why I don't go to church, because I never felt welcomed at many churches, catholic and non-denominational alike, and how many other Christian's would take one look at me and assume I was some Hell's Angels member or a pot head, neither of which are true. As a result, I'm forced to deal with people who are oftentimes genuinely harmful to me, because they're the only ones who seem to care. In a way, the poem is vague enough that in could also apply to my dating life. I've only twice dated Christians, as most truly religious women, aside from getting married and having families early in life, seem to judge me solely by appearances and want nothing to do with me. I don't make religious convictions or beliefs a requirement in a partner, and at this stage of my life, I realistically cannot, so I'm open to anyone. It just sucks that the people I care for and want to be with keep me on the sidelines. I'm getting tired of hitchhiking; can someone please pull over?
Anyway, with my depressive rant out of the way, I should add that my writing is less therapeutic and more something I do when I'm already happy, so this might make my output drop. This matters more on SoFurry, where I post the most up-to-date stories, but I use FurAffinity as my backup, so... Sorry about that.
I lost my girlfriend, today. We'd date for almost a year, long-distance, and though I made the effort to fly cross-country and see her, our relationship was always a bit strained. There was a period early on where she seemed eager as hell to talk to me and we could go on and on for hours, but somewhere along the line, it changed, though I don't recall doing anything different. I considered her a premier catch, right down to us both being furry and Christian, which is hard enough to find if you only choose one of those things. Shit you not, she seemed tailor made for me, like an answered prayer, and I was even willing to uproot my life and move to the center of the country to be with her; I admit, though, that it was in between our families. I'm all about the fairness and wanted us to both sacrifice, not have it all be one-sided. I've already had relationships where I gave it all and I'm not going to be a Beta male, but I digress...
As our relationship soured, she wondered about her feelings and so we stopped talking every day, something that immediately effected me, but not her. That should've been my first clue, and to a point, it was. After 3 or 4 weeks with only about 6 calls made, she finally decided how she felt, and that was... Nothing romantic. I'm not sure why or how, as I made all of the effort I could. I even gave this girl her first kiss, after flying 1,000 miles and staying in a crummy little hotel for a week! I never pushed for sex, I always cared about her feelings, and now I'm reminded of another situation where I wasted a year trying to have a relationship with someone who ended up abandoning me.
To be fair, she and I can be friends and she was very cordial. Honestly, that might be what hurt the most. That and I have a sneaking suspicion that maybe she likes a guy in her home town, though that could be paranoia. In the end, what disappoints me the most is what I never get to have. One of these days I actually want a wife and kids. One of these days, I'd like to feel like someone other than my parents and my best-friend/heterosexual life partner care about me. Call me callous or selfish, but it'd be nice to know that if I passed away in some car accident or something like that, more than a handful of people would be upset by it.
Ironically, I posted a poem today (https://www.furaffinity.net/view/37853650/), which I wrote around the time my now ex-girlfriend decided she didn't love me. It's a free verse poem about why I don't go to church, because I never felt welcomed at many churches, catholic and non-denominational alike, and how many other Christian's would take one look at me and assume I was some Hell's Angels member or a pot head, neither of which are true. As a result, I'm forced to deal with people who are oftentimes genuinely harmful to me, because they're the only ones who seem to care. In a way, the poem is vague enough that in could also apply to my dating life. I've only twice dated Christians, as most truly religious women, aside from getting married and having families early in life, seem to judge me solely by appearances and want nothing to do with me. I don't make religious convictions or beliefs a requirement in a partner, and at this stage of my life, I realistically cannot, so I'm open to anyone. It just sucks that the people I care for and want to be with keep me on the sidelines. I'm getting tired of hitchhiking; can someone please pull over?
Anyway, with my depressive rant out of the way, I should add that my writing is less therapeutic and more something I do when I'm already happy, so this might make my output drop. This matters more on SoFurry, where I post the most up-to-date stories, but I use FurAffinity as my backup, so... Sorry about that.
That said, ironically I am considering continuing my career as a mercenary in africa and helping the fight against child trafficking. I still don't know what I am going to do. It's either that or grow my business here in the states and hope to retire and live in my van, touring the country.
Either way, I am sorry this has happened to you. I have my theories on why relationships are so difficult when they really should be easy and wonderful. Mine was constant work and effort. And for nothing.
With that said, your career is very important. Maybe you should continue to serve? I always wanted a be a cop, to serve others, but the market in 2011 and my lack of military experience meant I was overlooked by every PD and so I wound up with an education in law enforcement that does nothing. At least you don't have that issue, too.
Thanks for the condolences. It does seem like relationships are overly complicated. Maybe too much give and take? Maybe not enough connection and understanding? In any case, it sucks, and I'm hoping the rain stops pouring soon, so I can see a brighter tomorrow.
I really want to continue my career as a merc. It's a lot of fun and you actually keep people safe from death. I remember my first op, it was volunteer, we had credible threats from several insurgent groups, I literally knew I was not coming home.
But I thought, if good men do nothing, evil will prevail. So I saddled up. I can't go into any details. But I remember standing watch, no cover, totally exposed.
I remember thinking, I could be shot, stabbed, run over, or blown up and there's about a 13 percent chance I could do anything about it. I remember thinking immediately after, "I LIVE for this shit!!!" Lol. I love it except for the boring parts. It was so dangerous I realized I could I snuffed out at any point, and I swear you are never closer to God than as a soldier in battle.
Mainly having my fiancee kept me out of it. And my unit broke up. They split two extreme directions and I was left right in the middle. Some of the guys still meet for training and such, I may look them up. I really do need to start training again.
Ironically one of my clients runs a handful of charities in Africa. And before my fiancee came into my life I was trying to get a hold of a group that was doing work in Africa to help victimized children. And a week before my fiancee and I started having big problems I was overcome by a desire to do that sort of work again. My client's ears perked up when I told him I was going to try and join that outfit. He is wealthy and could finance a trip there. However, an army buddy of mine says he is against it. He says I am needed in the states. He is right. Also I have a friend from africa who witnessed apartheid. Even she is against me going there! So I don't know what I will do. Part of my heart wants to remain in the states.
I have a struggling business but things are going alright. I own some land in the hills of Arizona that I want to build a house on. Maybe let someone rent it so my Bill's are paid. Work on getting my license, which has a county extortion fee of 4 thousand dollars. Right now I'm struggling to even buy food.
I think good times are ahead. My relationship with God means I am perfectly calm and content even as the world around me burns. I am going to get deeper into the #vanlife scene. I am looking forward to growing my business and maybe hiring some people, maybe having a fleet of vehicles, and doing good at least on that front. My business model has always been put honor first. Don't cheat the client, always do a good job. My employees will be held to that extremely high standard. I have an excellent reputation in town. I want to do profit sharing, bonuses, perks to reward my good employees. I don't care if I don't make a ton of money. I don't need it. I want to bless my community.
But yeah man, I think the best years are ahead of us. I know my first 40 years were an endless valley.