As anyone that knows me personally would be able to attest, I am what you may call a "bad friend" because I may go for weeks or even months without talking to a person. I have been simultaneously labelled as "uncaring/unreliable/distant" by some, and as "dependable/responsible" by some others. For the past few weeks I have been helping a friend of mine with a large personal project. This seems to fit the idea of the behaviour of a "good friend" except that prior to this project, I actively sought to cut all communication with this guy (and largely succeeded) for the past THREE YEARS. The thing is, I chose to cut them out of my life because I thought they were dragging me down, and now I've learned they've turned practically everything around and become a better person. And now, after working with them for a few weeks and learning about events I missed out on, I realize how much I missed being around them. Worse than that, I feel like I abandoned them. Many of the things I was angry about 3 years ago can now be applied AGAINST me, yet they've made no accusations. They seem genuinely happy that I am in their life when they need help, and yet when I was going through the same situation, I had only resentment and bitterness.

When my life was affected by a parent's death and other responsibilities emerged alongside other bad news, my response was a desire to abandon everything and everyone around me. But for someone else, they reached out and asked for help. Over the past few weeks I learned this guy (whom I thought was garbage) worked hard in my absence and became a more accomplished person than I have been, and he did it all without me there to enable his more self-destructive tendencies.

Now I feel conflicted because a former friend wants me in their life, but I think they're better without me. But hanging around them reminded me of what I missed for the past few years. I guess I need to be a completely different person from HOW I was, while still being the same person WHO I was years ago.