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Vent.
5 years ago
I want to start this off as first saying this is a straight up vent and I just need to get frustrations out. I don't wanna have advice or anything, I just need to vent and let shit out.
I'm tired of being below the poverty line, of barely having enough to get by every month in terms of food and money and it jsut makes things hard and when I run out of both, my mood dips and I get frustrated because I don't like asking for 'handouts' or help as I've asked for help before and people have thrown it back in my face saying I should find a job and pull myself up by my own bootstraps essentially. Even when working I was constantly broke because I could only work part-time due to my energy levels. Yeah it gave me a sense of purpose and a sense of being able to do things but I still wasn't making enough to really get by.
People can say 'oh you could have gotten a second job' but my mental disability prevented me from doing so. I have something called FASD and I need to be focused on one, and ONLY one task if I'm working. I get easily flustered and overwhelmed and finding a second job at the time wasn't possible because of these issues. I had to quit a job I loved last year because of the company not supporting people with disabilities/not caring about their issues.
There has been a lot going on the past couple of years that have made my mental health decline quite a bit and I"m still dealing with that, I want to find a job, but I exited the employment program in my support program because I need to focus on my mental health and getting over this utter sense of sheer betrayal and feeling like I'm not good enough anymore.
I messed up badly at the beginning of the year and lost a lot of friends because of my actions, so I'm trying to recover from that, along with family issues that have made it hard for me to feel like I belong anywhere, and when people are genuinely nice to me or offer to help me, it's hard for me now to accept that because what if it blows up in my face again?
Right now I'm struggling a lot, and feeling like I'm not a good enough friend or Rper or anything of that sort because things just...have gone so wrong this year and I don't know where the good is anymore, so if I'm lamenting a lot or anything, I'm sorry. I just...I've been bottling a lot up inside lately, saying I'm okay when I'm really not, and just...not really talking much ><.
This isn't a pity party for myself or anything, I'm just trying to get thoughts and emotions out that I've been pushing down for a while.
If you've read all this...just know I am trying my best and just trying to get by >< I'm not perfect and I never claimed to be. I've made mistakes, but I'm trying to be better.
I'm tired of being below the poverty line, of barely having enough to get by every month in terms of food and money and it jsut makes things hard and when I run out of both, my mood dips and I get frustrated because I don't like asking for 'handouts' or help as I've asked for help before and people have thrown it back in my face saying I should find a job and pull myself up by my own bootstraps essentially. Even when working I was constantly broke because I could only work part-time due to my energy levels. Yeah it gave me a sense of purpose and a sense of being able to do things but I still wasn't making enough to really get by.
People can say 'oh you could have gotten a second job' but my mental disability prevented me from doing so. I have something called FASD and I need to be focused on one, and ONLY one task if I'm working. I get easily flustered and overwhelmed and finding a second job at the time wasn't possible because of these issues. I had to quit a job I loved last year because of the company not supporting people with disabilities/not caring about their issues.
There has been a lot going on the past couple of years that have made my mental health decline quite a bit and I"m still dealing with that, I want to find a job, but I exited the employment program in my support program because I need to focus on my mental health and getting over this utter sense of sheer betrayal and feeling like I'm not good enough anymore.
I messed up badly at the beginning of the year and lost a lot of friends because of my actions, so I'm trying to recover from that, along with family issues that have made it hard for me to feel like I belong anywhere, and when people are genuinely nice to me or offer to help me, it's hard for me now to accept that because what if it blows up in my face again?
Right now I'm struggling a lot, and feeling like I'm not a good enough friend or Rper or anything of that sort because things just...have gone so wrong this year and I don't know where the good is anymore, so if I'm lamenting a lot or anything, I'm sorry. I just...I've been bottling a lot up inside lately, saying I'm okay when I'm really not, and just...not really talking much ><.
This isn't a pity party for myself or anything, I'm just trying to get thoughts and emotions out that I've been pushing down for a while.
If you've read all this...just know I am trying my best and just trying to get by >< I'm not perfect and I never claimed to be. I've made mistakes, but I'm trying to be better.
