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Deep Apology
5 years ago
General
Hey, everyone.
In the last three days, I deactivated my account in the midst of my heavy emotional breakdown again. Before I did that, I was making a statement that I want to leave the fandom. But it turns out, I just really can't do it. I was trying to not looking back, but I did in the act of remorse and trying to take a look one last time before I left it for good. After hearing about this announcement, several people are trying to convince me to stay. *sigh* I was not in control of myself, that I pushed them away and insists on leaving. Someting just hit me..... Looking back again at my sona and my other characters..... I feel like I am letting them down when I said it. At that point, I drop down in tears and berates myself of what have I've done. IF I really left the fandom for good, then that will upset several people that have actually cared for me, and destroying everything that I have worked for years.
So.... to know how it is started, this is a bit of a summary:
https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/9528875/ - Three months ago, I finally got blocked by an old friend who is also my dependable artist, over because I forgot to send him the necessary artwork description because of real-life duties. I could have gotten any warning and such, but it never happened - I am simply get removed and ghosted by him. Having been blocked everywhere, I contact him through e-mail, and he finally tell the bitter truth: he doesn't want to see me anymore. From that moment, I totally lost it. I shut myself from everyone.
So after a few months, which is now... I was in a group, and when I saw the artwork that is shared is a piece done by the artist that had blocked me, I lost it again. I simply react with a sad emoticon, and everyone in the group quikcly assumes I am policing the contents for the group. When I raged quit, the admin quickly contact me and said I will be on a month time-out. From that moment, I lost it again, and this time, it is way worse than before - wanting to quit the fandom and give away everything that I acquired and worked for. I just lost faith in the fandom, as I think they simply care for things that satisfies them rather than try to confort someone. They don't care if something happened between me with the artists, but only care if the artwork turned them on. "It still the same till now," I thought. All the pain and suffering that I've encountered actually piled on, and all of it completely encouraged me to quit.
Several people that still cared for me actually did come to me, and convinced me to stay. It is a complete struggle for them to really convinced me, and I finally listened....... after I made a lot of damages around me. That announcenment that I wanted to sell everything caused a rift between me and my fursuit maker - several groups kicked me out because I am unstable and higher chance they won't have me back. Looking at the damages I made, I sat and think.... "What have I've done?"..... I kept saying to myself and to anyone that this thing won't happened again, but it did...... I totally ashamed for letting this to happen. My friends comfort me and suggests me to try to relax and chill, and besides.... we are also facing a pandemic that had made everyone on edge.
Everyone, I am terribly sorry of what I've done in the previous days. I really really sorry.......
So what happens now?
I am slowly healing myself, piece by piece fixing what I've damaged, and be patient. Someday, I may be forgiven of what I've done. For now, I have to accept of what has been done... accept it and move on. Move on....... I really hope I can really do it.
In the last three days, I deactivated my account in the midst of my heavy emotional breakdown again. Before I did that, I was making a statement that I want to leave the fandom. But it turns out, I just really can't do it. I was trying to not looking back, but I did in the act of remorse and trying to take a look one last time before I left it for good. After hearing about this announcement, several people are trying to convince me to stay. *sigh* I was not in control of myself, that I pushed them away and insists on leaving. Someting just hit me..... Looking back again at my sona and my other characters..... I feel like I am letting them down when I said it. At that point, I drop down in tears and berates myself of what have I've done. IF I really left the fandom for good, then that will upset several people that have actually cared for me, and destroying everything that I have worked for years.
So.... to know how it is started, this is a bit of a summary:
https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/9528875/ - Three months ago, I finally got blocked by an old friend who is also my dependable artist, over because I forgot to send him the necessary artwork description because of real-life duties. I could have gotten any warning and such, but it never happened - I am simply get removed and ghosted by him. Having been blocked everywhere, I contact him through e-mail, and he finally tell the bitter truth: he doesn't want to see me anymore. From that moment, I totally lost it. I shut myself from everyone.
So after a few months, which is now... I was in a group, and when I saw the artwork that is shared is a piece done by the artist that had blocked me, I lost it again. I simply react with a sad emoticon, and everyone in the group quikcly assumes I am policing the contents for the group. When I raged quit, the admin quickly contact me and said I will be on a month time-out. From that moment, I lost it again, and this time, it is way worse than before - wanting to quit the fandom and give away everything that I acquired and worked for. I just lost faith in the fandom, as I think they simply care for things that satisfies them rather than try to confort someone. They don't care if something happened between me with the artists, but only care if the artwork turned them on. "It still the same till now," I thought. All the pain and suffering that I've encountered actually piled on, and all of it completely encouraged me to quit.
Several people that still cared for me actually did come to me, and convinced me to stay. It is a complete struggle for them to really convinced me, and I finally listened....... after I made a lot of damages around me. That announcenment that I wanted to sell everything caused a rift between me and my fursuit maker - several groups kicked me out because I am unstable and higher chance they won't have me back. Looking at the damages I made, I sat and think.... "What have I've done?"..... I kept saying to myself and to anyone that this thing won't happened again, but it did...... I totally ashamed for letting this to happen. My friends comfort me and suggests me to try to relax and chill, and besides.... we are also facing a pandemic that had made everyone on edge.
Everyone, I am terribly sorry of what I've done in the previous days. I really really sorry.......
So what happens now?
I am slowly healing myself, piece by piece fixing what I've damaged, and be patient. Someday, I may be forgiven of what I've done. For now, I have to accept of what has been done... accept it and move on. Move on....... I really hope I can really do it.
I can totally get that sometimes things just get's too much and that leaving might just seem like the only correct choice in the world, but leaving also isn't easy. How you say it, the way you say it, and when you say it can just add to it.
And then before you know it, you are on a mary go-around of more frustrations and pains and you wonder if it was even worth it in the first place.
I am not gonna tell you what to do, but I would suggest practicing taking breaks. Just, say 'fuck it. I need a break' and then do so and just disappear for 4 days. It's not about ignoring things online, but realising when you need to step away for your own sake.
Granted, I do not know what it is like being you, so what I just suggested might not be possible. Still, I hope you will make it towards recovery and peace.
Is Ok Dude :3Sorry, I know I suck at communicating.
offers you a big hugWe are all here for you, man. Just poke me when you need somebody to chat with and get that load off your heart the next time somebody treats you in a not so nice manner.