october used to be my favorite month. i love feeling the air get colder, the sky darker, the leaves crunchier... i love everyone getting all into the spooky spirit.

but 3 years ago, my most beloved died. and it was... i didn't... it didn't go well. not that death is ever easy, but, i feel it was a bit of an extra rough one due to how... dragged out it was. and despite my poor memory and my desire to move on from that event, every year around this time i have dreams that she's still alive, and it seems like others unfortunately have the same experience i did (or, i notice it more...) and i can't help but be reminded of that which i have lost.

more details about the tragedy can be found here; https://www.furaffinity.net/view/25112063/

in the end i cannot say i wish the dreams would stop, because they remind me to properly cherish my new cat, the way i should have cherished luna. babushka(new cat) has been with us for only one year now. it took two for me to even consider getting another, and it was often painful at first because i would accidentally call her 'luna' and thus remind myself of everything i wanted to forget... they're similar in a lot of ways, and babushka even happened to be the age luna would have been... but i am under no delusions that they are the same soul. i am grateful i'm not alone now, and i love babushka, but i still miss luna dearly and i don't think i'll ever really 'get over' her loss. she wasn't the first pet i had to say goodbye to, but knowing she was entirely MY responsibility, not my parents', and having to watch her get sick and to have to actually make the call myself... makes it a much more traumatic event than just coming home to schrodinger's box one day.