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Creative hiatus
5 years ago
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FURLANA@
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I am in such a deep cave of despair and creative death I have to vent. I'm sorry, I don't usually need to do this, but as I tried many things before, maybe this will get it off my chest.
Everyone around me keep telling me 'it's fine, gtive yourself some time, relax', 'do it tomorrow', 'it'll pass' or my husband who is the absolutew worse liar 'it doesn't look THAT bad'.
For a month I have been suffering from the biggest artblock I have ever expeirenced. And I do not say this lightly, as I don't really believe there is suhc a thing as an artblock. I have so little time to sit and draw... 3 hours a day is my absolute top and... I can't draw. I feel like a complete fraud. I have taken in commissions and ever since I sketched them out I seem to be absolutely uncapable of rendering them. I start over and over and over forever and each time it's complete rubbish (I'm very sorry, my lovely commissioners, I promise I will keep at it until it looks good). I've deleted the results of so many hours by now I really feel like I'm on the verge of tears. I don't have time for this... I need to work, make money and actually complete my assignements and I have to pay my mom for her time when she looks after Ambrose for me during these 3 hours... And I feel I've beend drawing worse and worse for a month now. I study the works of the artists I admire most, I try to take a diferent approach, I use diferent techniques, different layer properties. I tried drawing on my iPad as well as on my Cintiq. I've tried Photoshop, SAI, Clip Studio and Corel. Jezus F.n Christ, enough is enough. I am running out of ideas and I really really feel like I've run out of creative juice. I'm dry af. My imagination is failing me, My sense of color is failing me, my sense of composition is failing me and most of all my creative ideas are drained.
I've been drawing for 20 years. 20 years, for many of these years it's been a daily activity. And I still hit a wall and it's a wall I can't seem to jump over. I'm stuck, oh god I'm stuck so bad. Looking at all the newest art from other artists is making me even more miserable.
Maybe I can't draw anymore? Maybe I need to stop and find something else to do with my time. I've felt like I am completely useless as an artist ever since I gave birth. I feel like I won't achieve anything more than I already have. Like this is the top of my possibilites and I can't even reach it anymore...
I love drawing, at least I used to. Now it's just making me anxious the longer I waste time on a piece that looks back at me and makes me want to throw my tablet out of the window.
I'm so angry at myself and at this point I have become super impatient and I feel like now I just do mistakes and draw shit just becasue I'm trying to rush it to see if the result is once again BAD.
I haven't slept a full 3 hours for a year almost and well, it doesn't seem likely to happen anytime soon. So I can't wait until it gets better.
Help. what can I do? Did anyone find any consistent way to get out of an art block this severe?
I was trying to make pizza dough today. And I got so impatient while trying to mold it into a pizza shape I actually threw the dough at a wall.
Wasting time, I'm wasitng time constantly. I don't have time. For anything. And the time I get I WASTE on doing things badly.
Sorry for ranting.
To all my commissioners, I assure you I will provide the best of my quality. and I won't finish until you and me are satisfied with the result.
Funnily enough the commissions I've done so far have been met with great appretiation. It's almost as if people don't see what I see. And that's what makes me feel like a fraud.
I was never happy with anything I made, I only sometimes liked the sketch phase and later on it was always a ride downhill for me. I've never been proud of any artwork at it's end result. It used to keep me going and motivate me to spend more time looking for answers, solutions and draw more and explore, but now it's got me stuck and hitting a wall.
Everyone around me keep telling me 'it's fine, gtive yourself some time, relax', 'do it tomorrow', 'it'll pass' or my husband who is the absolutew worse liar 'it doesn't look THAT bad'.
For a month I have been suffering from the biggest artblock I have ever expeirenced. And I do not say this lightly, as I don't really believe there is suhc a thing as an artblock. I have so little time to sit and draw... 3 hours a day is my absolute top and... I can't draw. I feel like a complete fraud. I have taken in commissions and ever since I sketched them out I seem to be absolutely uncapable of rendering them. I start over and over and over forever and each time it's complete rubbish (I'm very sorry, my lovely commissioners, I promise I will keep at it until it looks good). I've deleted the results of so many hours by now I really feel like I'm on the verge of tears. I don't have time for this... I need to work, make money and actually complete my assignements and I have to pay my mom for her time when she looks after Ambrose for me during these 3 hours... And I feel I've beend drawing worse and worse for a month now. I study the works of the artists I admire most, I try to take a diferent approach, I use diferent techniques, different layer properties. I tried drawing on my iPad as well as on my Cintiq. I've tried Photoshop, SAI, Clip Studio and Corel. Jezus F.n Christ, enough is enough. I am running out of ideas and I really really feel like I've run out of creative juice. I'm dry af. My imagination is failing me, My sense of color is failing me, my sense of composition is failing me and most of all my creative ideas are drained.
I've been drawing for 20 years. 20 years, for many of these years it's been a daily activity. And I still hit a wall and it's a wall I can't seem to jump over. I'm stuck, oh god I'm stuck so bad. Looking at all the newest art from other artists is making me even more miserable.
Maybe I can't draw anymore? Maybe I need to stop and find something else to do with my time. I've felt like I am completely useless as an artist ever since I gave birth. I feel like I won't achieve anything more than I already have. Like this is the top of my possibilites and I can't even reach it anymore...
I love drawing, at least I used to. Now it's just making me anxious the longer I waste time on a piece that looks back at me and makes me want to throw my tablet out of the window.
I'm so angry at myself and at this point I have become super impatient and I feel like now I just do mistakes and draw shit just becasue I'm trying to rush it to see if the result is once again BAD.
I haven't slept a full 3 hours for a year almost and well, it doesn't seem likely to happen anytime soon. So I can't wait until it gets better.
Help. what can I do? Did anyone find any consistent way to get out of an art block this severe?
I was trying to make pizza dough today. And I got so impatient while trying to mold it into a pizza shape I actually threw the dough at a wall.
Wasting time, I'm wasitng time constantly. I don't have time. For anything. And the time I get I WASTE on doing things badly.
Sorry for ranting.
To all my commissioners, I assure you I will provide the best of my quality. and I won't finish until you and me are satisfied with the result.
Funnily enough the commissions I've done so far have been met with great appretiation. It's almost as if people don't see what I see. And that's what makes me feel like a fraud.
I was never happy with anything I made, I only sometimes liked the sketch phase and later on it was always a ride downhill for me. I've never been proud of any artwork at it's end result. It used to keep me going and motivate me to spend more time looking for answers, solutions and draw more and explore, but now it's got me stuck and hitting a wall.
❥ Buy me a coffee ☕️
Fundraising: Woolen reusable diapers (caus'e I'm crazy about them now)
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Reached goals: button making machine, Schoolism art course annual licence
Future goals: ZBrush, art courses online, annual add on FA
I haven't slept a full 3 hours for a year almost and well, it doesn't seem likely to happen anytime soon. So I can't wait until it gets better.
You're running on near-empty every day for a year. Your brain is tired and your body is struggling to cope on way too little sleep. That you threw the pizza dough against the wall is another sign of this.
It's almost as if people don't see what I see. And that's what makes me feel like a fraud.
I've been following you for a while. The art you've posted recently is beautiful, but it sounds like your brain chemistry is just utterly shot with too little sleep for too long a time.
Sleep, of course, would fix this, but if that can't be done is there the possibility of speaking with a psychiatrist? They may be able to prescribe something short-term to help you through this until you can start resting again. It seriously sounds like you're suffering major depression from constant exhaustion. I hope you can find a way through this, but don't be hard on yourself about it, if at all possible. Your art is genuinely lovely, even if it manages to frustrate you anyway.
As for the sleeping issue, I'm in a similar boat.
In my case it's sinus pressure and not being able to breathe.
Doc's looking into a surgery.
You sound tired and stressed. An I'm no doctor.
So I'm not about to say "Oh you just need to relax and sleep"
cause the last two years have made life for many a fscking nightmare
I will say this. You're not alone. Your commissioners will understand (Most of em, there's always that one Karen or Kyle in the group)
And your watchers will be here to offer any advice we can. If we have any that'd be of use.
I ask you try to take care of your self and stay safe. Your muse is probably tired to.
Lack of sleep takes a lot outta ya
However, I do know the cause of mine - depression. And I think the first step is to try and recognize why you're so stuck. Something in your brain is hindering your capabilities - stress, pressure, hormones, it could be so many things. But you can figure it out, and once you figured it out, you can try and find a way to approach it healthily.
Doing things that aren't art in your free time is honestly a very good approach. It sounds a lot like you're terribly burned out, and try to force yourself to put out art regardless of that - something I've been doing over the past 2 months as well and it's only making things SIGNIFICANTLY worse.
If you're impatient to the point of (self)destruction, I suggest trying to do something to get rid of all that anger! In those 3 hours you have, instead of art or something else inside, try (responsibly) jogging, or something else that takes a lot of physical energy. Maybe go outside and take pictures of things you could later paint!
But again, I think the most important first step is recognizing what's blocking you, and from there figure out how to tackle it.
I promise you, this will pass, and you're not at the end of your artistic possibilities. I know it feels like it, I really know, but it isn't like that. That's the good thing about art - there's NEVER an end to what you can do an accomplish!
Sometimes you can push through it by drawing, but it sounds like you're burnt out and need to step away from it for a while. I understand the feeling of thinking your work isn't nearly as good as people say. But I can tell you, you are not a fraud.
I myself have felt my anatomy and composition has been complete trash lately, but no one complains. Something I did was look up tutorials to try shake things up on a more fundamental level. Videos by Sycra Yasin, Michael Mattesi and Marco Bucci helped me out a bit.
All the best to you in pulling through this. It sucks, but it won't feel this bad forever.
I wish I could take a month off but it's out of the question since I need to earn money to be able to support my family :( if I could afford sleeping and going on holiday, I totally would. It just sucks casue as a mom (and a breastfeeding one at that) i can't do it 😔
I know you don't wanna let down the people that supports you and you don't wanna get behind in your work, but you need to take time off. I would suggest taking 1 week off from drawing/painting, anything related to art and work. Try not to think that you are letting people down. But take some time off, at least 1 week.
You need a lot of sleep. Your mind is telling you that, it is exhausted.
Give yourself that week to rest, sleep, take some walks, you need it.
Hope this makes some sense lol, sorry for the typos and take much care!
But I know how you feel, very well (I feel identified with a lot of what you described), is an awful mindstate where you constantly fight with yourself.
Maybe once the "wasting time" hits, stop drawing and instead try to sleep/take a nap, meditate? whatever helps you relax and rest. Your body and mind need that and it will do you well.
Take it easy Lana, hope you will feel better soon
and if you want to chat, count with me
I know it will be hard to try to fight the "I'm a failure" thoughts that your brain might throw at you, but if you find yourself struggling with art, try to just stop, and consider that day a down day. Use the rest of the hours that you might otherwise spend smacking your creative brain against a wall (I've been in that state of mind many times, I know how infuriating it can be) to rest, like Etskuni suggested <3
If you are feeling like you can't, sometimes the best thing you can do is just not. And I don't mean stop entirely ofc, I know we need to make money to survive, but if you allow yourself to use that work time that doesn't work out to try to rest, it might help relieve some of that exhaustion you are going through <3 Even if it's just every other day, try to push through if you need to the next day, but give yourself some time to rest. It is counterproductive to try to break down a wall with only the handle of the hammer ♥
For the best part of last year I forced myself to try to work through major mental health troubles and health issues, but all I ended up doing was burning myself out to the point that I couldn't do art anymore. Physically I got tired and mentally I just couldn't DO it. I only say this because for me (and I know we are different, but I feel it can sometimes help to know experiences anyway) when I finally started to allow myself to say "hey, this isn't working, so I'm going to take this time to just sleep or game, or whatever helps me to rest". And while I'm still reeling from mental health stuff, I've had a bit more energy and motivation and creative juice than I had for most of last year. All because I let myself breathe a little more. And I think what Etsku suggested is perfect <3
I'm sorry this is rambly (and I'm sorry I kinda hijacked your post Etsku ;;; ) but I wanted to hopefully offer SOME kind of thought ;;/
Either way though I know you will pull through this! You are an amazing artist, a wonderful person, and definitely not a fraud! You are simply going through a huge, difficult part of your life right now and it's stressful for you ♥
Take care!
I know I haven't spoken to you in a long time personally, but I still often look at what you do and follow the things you say and support from inside my shy hole in the ground.
Wishing you the very best Lana!
I've found forgiving myself and just letting the art look like trash till the time I can make it look better is about the best I've been able to do. it's not my fault that I don't have the energy, this is just what life is giving. my commissioners have been understanding of what I'm going through, and they don't seen to notice or care about the loss of quality. and once things get better, and sleep and health and social activity can improve, so will the work~
missing two hours of sleep can drop cognition by 30%. if you've been getting 3 for a year, you're probably running way under half, and art is a very mental venture, even those things that we've done a thousand times over can become difficult.
As we know nothing about your family situation... Do you have anyone, parents, siblings, etc that would be willing (and able) to take them for a night so you can get some real sleep? Not sure how the baby handles, or would handle being away from you for a night, but you could try pumping if you haven't already to make sure they have enough to get through.
Either way, know you're not alone in this, and no matter how stressful it feels now, you 'will' get through this part.
But I hear you on lack of artistic creativity, my new job is physically demanding and the hours long. Only to get worse by the holidays, I haven't drawn in weeks and usually too tired and sore getting home after a 11-13 hour shift. And that bothers me as well.
But still, talk to your pediatrician and maybe your doctor as well, explain in detail. Plus invest in a breast pump, start storing your milk in the fridge and have your husband bottle feed your son so you can get some badly needed shut eye,
Thanks though, and I hope a break will serve me well. I also hope you get less stress. If only 2020 wasn't as hard on us as it is
Both my son and daughter gave up the tit by the first year, though my wife pumped for six months afterwards for my daughter.
It could also help to relax nerves and sleep a bit better. Also don't hesitate to take some like nap on a day, you may feel tired after, but on the long run it'll probably help (always depends on the individual, everyone is different).
But like many others, I'm only supportive here and wish you to reach the rest required level soon enough to be on best shape ;)
I had something akin to an art block recently, due to -among other factors- when I compared my drawings to the artists I look up to, and would like to make similar work. It doesn't look at all like the realistic style that I'm desparately wishing I'd have. I barely touched pen and paper, had thoughts of quitting, even though I knew in the end that was a laughable notion, since I drew since I was 8 (39 now) and you do not just walk away from that.
Truth is, with every work, I'm going to end up short. There's always some or more mistakes I make that I see a few months down the road, and I resolve to avoid making those mistakes in the next drawing I make. I'm also currently making an clearly and specifically defined inventory of what my goals with respect to my art style and projects, what the problems are that need to be overcome, and what the possible solutions can be. Then, the only obstacle is actually setting to work on working on the solutions.
My solution is that, while I'm still not there and it may take me maybe a few decades to get to the realistic style levels of, say, Honovy, Mithril or Veramundis, I have the confidence that I will attain a realistic style of my own, and nobody's going to tell me otherwise. I surround myself with positive thoughts (i.e. when I had finished a piece that I was particularly proud of) and positive people, that can help me get to where I want to be.
If you study the artists that you like, how about you just contact them and ask what advice they can give you to get you the result that you want? There is no shame in being forward with your questions, the worst you can get is a negative response. More than likely they'll be delighted to help you out with imparting some of their skills to you.
Also, if you're hopelessly stuck on a complex problem, it doesn't help to keep railing against it with the current mindset, as it'll only frustrate you more. If you have commissioners waiting for you, be frequent and open in communications, tell what's currently going on (like in this journal) and ask for more time. Distract your mind from the problem for the moment, occupy it with tasks where the standards aren't as high as you've set them for yourself (me personally I drew new chibi designs where the only rule was that I was happy with the design and not strictly correct antomy and proportions). Create small successes to boost your morale and confidence.
Now this is all easy and obvious talk from me, who doesn't have anyone else to maintain but myself, whose main income and by extension, commitment isn't art (yet?), and while I do have some sleeping issues, none as glaring as having to go on only 3 hours of sleep. Especially sleep is important to keep up the morale and render better performance. Having someone to boost you up for the day, impress the strengths that you *definitely* have onto you, is essential for getting through the day. I advise talking about it with something you trust and has experience and/or connections, sit down and make plans, because right now you seem lost in the fog.
Do know that, from my perspective, you need not worry about the quality of your work, as it can easily measure up to mine, and you have a distinct appealing style that you should be proud of, even through the rough patches that art (in a sense moreso than science, as by putting in variable A you will not automatically arrive at answer B, if you catch my drift) will continually throw at you. Cherish it.
Sorry for the longwinded reply, but I felt it needed to be said. Hope it helps.
CM ~
Please have a serious talk with your support network about this.
Don't worry about art; art will be there when you're ready to return to it. For now, care for yourself and your family.