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Returning
5 years ago
Hello, everyone. Sorry to have gone silent and vanished on everyone. I was…I still am in a pretty rough cycle through life. I’ve been wanting to try and make a post sooner about all this and build a game plan, but every time I feel like I’ve got a footing, something is pulled out from under me. And BOY was this year a bad one to try and plan that.
So, I’ve been stuck in a cycle of debt the last few years and finally decided to break through that by finding proper employment again. I wanted to be able to have the standing to finally be able to come in and be able to sort out refunds for those I owe. After so long of this and paired with a lot of drama from a family that expects the world but offers no support, I just wanted to be in a spot wash my plate clean and return to at least finding the process of creating fun again. My goal was to wait until my birthday on March 16th of 2020 and oh so finally make a return to the public, accepting wrath and disappointment because hey, that’s my home life anyway. Annnnd then Covid struck. I found myself out of work, and then BACK to work but now 6 days a week and barely any time to do anything else. And all the while without reliable transportation, and costs to get back and forth eating 40-50% of my income, too. I eventually got myself a moped, and having never actually tried one, took to practicing. Only to take a fall on a turn and break my humerus in two… This was just the tail end of this August. Unsure on how long a road to recovery I have, but my dominant arm is now mostly out of commission for any serious use.
And honestly? I’m just at wit’s end. There’s just only so much you can take before the constant tumbling down wears you out and makes you just want to give up on everything. I’ve sat with endless guilt with the work I owe eating away at my soul, knowing it’s always one step forward and five back. On top of that as well, losing my room and thus rendering most of my primary ways to distract myself means I’ve spent the last nearly two months with little to keep my negative thoughts in check. I’ve talked to several friends lately about how I find myself increasingly drawn to just ending it all and only ever being stopped by my fear of actually dying. I came into my “success” wanting nothing more than to just make some folk happy with my little corner of the internet and I can’t even say I’ve been able to do that anymore. I can’t even say I fully LIKE being here anymore, either. Lord knows I’ve been struggling lately with how frustrating things like vore are for me to even enjoy now. But I don’t want to try and milk a pity party. I don’t want to bog people down with sob stories.
I’m here to officially apologize for being a disappointment to the people who have come to me. I’m sorry I’m not in a position to immediately pay everyone back, but I will make good in due time when possible to start arranging refunds. My medical bills are making that impossible for the time being but I will begin to prioritize sorting that out to those who are tired of me. I should have long since thrown in the towel. I never should have been willing to keep thinking I could make this all work. My love-hate relationship with the kinks I’ve made my name in aside, I never, EVER intended to wind up a disappointment here. I have such a hard time finding my place to enjoy, but I have honestly still loved getting to make people happy even as just a smut peddler and I sincerely want to still hold on to being able to do just that, but the time has honestly come to accept that I cannot. None of this is acceptable. None of you deserved this disappointment.
If I could ask for just a bit more time to at least get financially stable enough to refund all of your who are done with me, I would appreciate it even if I don’t think I deserve even that. I’ll try my best to make this right, even if all it means is that I can sit in my corner and no longer be a disappointment to anyone again. I’m so sorry. Thank you for reading. If you want to have a direct line to me, I’ll be happy to give my Discord or whatever from here on to hear your grievances or whatever you feel like venting at me for how badly I’ve dropped this…
So, I’ve been stuck in a cycle of debt the last few years and finally decided to break through that by finding proper employment again. I wanted to be able to have the standing to finally be able to come in and be able to sort out refunds for those I owe. After so long of this and paired with a lot of drama from a family that expects the world but offers no support, I just wanted to be in a spot wash my plate clean and return to at least finding the process of creating fun again. My goal was to wait until my birthday on March 16th of 2020 and oh so finally make a return to the public, accepting wrath and disappointment because hey, that’s my home life anyway. Annnnd then Covid struck. I found myself out of work, and then BACK to work but now 6 days a week and barely any time to do anything else. And all the while without reliable transportation, and costs to get back and forth eating 40-50% of my income, too. I eventually got myself a moped, and having never actually tried one, took to practicing. Only to take a fall on a turn and break my humerus in two… This was just the tail end of this August. Unsure on how long a road to recovery I have, but my dominant arm is now mostly out of commission for any serious use.
And honestly? I’m just at wit’s end. There’s just only so much you can take before the constant tumbling down wears you out and makes you just want to give up on everything. I’ve sat with endless guilt with the work I owe eating away at my soul, knowing it’s always one step forward and five back. On top of that as well, losing my room and thus rendering most of my primary ways to distract myself means I’ve spent the last nearly two months with little to keep my negative thoughts in check. I’ve talked to several friends lately about how I find myself increasingly drawn to just ending it all and only ever being stopped by my fear of actually dying. I came into my “success” wanting nothing more than to just make some folk happy with my little corner of the internet and I can’t even say I’ve been able to do that anymore. I can’t even say I fully LIKE being here anymore, either. Lord knows I’ve been struggling lately with how frustrating things like vore are for me to even enjoy now. But I don’t want to try and milk a pity party. I don’t want to bog people down with sob stories.
I’m here to officially apologize for being a disappointment to the people who have come to me. I’m sorry I’m not in a position to immediately pay everyone back, but I will make good in due time when possible to start arranging refunds. My medical bills are making that impossible for the time being but I will begin to prioritize sorting that out to those who are tired of me. I should have long since thrown in the towel. I never should have been willing to keep thinking I could make this all work. My love-hate relationship with the kinks I’ve made my name in aside, I never, EVER intended to wind up a disappointment here. I have such a hard time finding my place to enjoy, but I have honestly still loved getting to make people happy even as just a smut peddler and I sincerely want to still hold on to being able to do just that, but the time has honestly come to accept that I cannot. None of this is acceptable. None of you deserved this disappointment.
If I could ask for just a bit more time to at least get financially stable enough to refund all of your who are done with me, I would appreciate it even if I don’t think I deserve even that. I’ll try my best to make this right, even if all it means is that I can sit in my corner and no longer be a disappointment to anyone again. I’m so sorry. Thank you for reading. If you want to have a direct line to me, I’ll be happy to give my Discord or whatever from here on to hear your grievances or whatever you feel like venting at me for how badly I’ve dropped this…
Please, stay up and stay on, Dragga. There's a life ahead of you, it's hard to see through how bleak it is right now, I get that, but I don't think you're a disappointment. I think of you as an inspiration! I've been checking out your stuff since I first started on with this circle of the net, and I can respect that you need to move on with your life. Don't let your perceived ties to the vore community hold you back. You need to be able to live free.
We may be sad to see you go, but I'd rather you be able to smile at what you can do in the future than be chained to the expectations of the past. I hope things go well for you, Dragga. ^^
I'd like to be able to shape my little corner again with the things I love and maybe inspire more of the same to come out more often, but I'm also just feeling so out of it any more.
Life sucks and hits hard, a lot of us know this, but until you're in a better situation and have your own life problems sorted out, don't sweat about the people in the fandom you owe money to. You evidently take if very seriously and you it's something you intend to resolve and you're being transparent about your situation.
I certainly want to see you in a good place in life and don't want you stressing about fandom stuff until you have your life and health sorted.
Luxuries come second to financial stability in addition to physical and mental health. You are a living being not some kind of comic book hero that can just magically juggle all of this. No one really can and that's just the way life is.
I could easily be misreading this, but your entry gives me the impression that you feel like all this or a large portion of it is your fault. It isn't.
The best you can do is take the time to pick yourself back up and find something that gives you positive motivation because you can't let guilt take control. It's just going to punch you in the gut every chance it gets. Sure it's a powerful motivator at first, but after a while it just turns into this muck or quicksand that won't let go and it's going to ruin everything it touches.
At least that's what it does to some people like me.
Also with covid floating around and the social strain that has been causing it's probably only making things worse for regular people.
I don't really have much stake in this as I'm just a random perv on this site and I don't know you beyond the art I've seen and this journal post, but I still hope that things turn out well for you. Even if you end up going in a direction that means you won't be posting art here anymore.
I'd prefer people to be in a good state of wellness rather than regularly generating content if possible.
Just... take it easy alright?
Also yes, I've only seen this journal just now.
"Worked at a place called 'Sexeronni's Pizza' for eight years... right, that's going in the bin."
Then again getting caught taking a whiz in an alley is probably more damming than that in some parts of the world.
Plus I know what it's like to lose privacy, have a love-hate relationship with your own kinks, to feel like you've disappointed everyone, the need to focus on more important things, and even physical health getting worse. I can empathize with you completely, and understand all of this since lately I've been going through similar things these days, hence why I'm not active here these days either.
I really wish I knew what to say other than "I'm just glad you're still with us". Just take things one day at a time and take care of yourself.
I am one of the people who wanted a refund. Unfortunately I've changed so many identities/instant messaging services/platforms during the years that I no longer have logs/evidence about ever commissioning you/sending you money, and it's been so long that I can't go far back enough in my paypal history to find the digital receipt/record of the transaction. It's been so long I don't even remember how much I even paid you, so I doubt I'm eligible for a refund anymore.
I am disappointed, but I hold no grudges. I let go of the pic a long time ago, and all I can do is hope you get better and that your life improves in the future whether or not you make new content or post here. Your health and life are a bigger priority.
I've enjoyed your little corner of the internet before. I'm glad I found it again! Even though I'm some rando on the internet I hope I can get to know ya and help in any way I can <3
How are things going a year later, then?