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Where have I been?
5 years ago
So... it's been 8 years since I posted anything here. Figured I'd explain where I've been. Basically, after I left school, my anxiety and depression skyrocketed.
I mentioned the anti-furry sentiment I encountered in a previous journal, so there was that. I'd lurk around, but not really interact with the furry community after that.
I got jobs. First job I got was a call center, doing tech support for cell phones. That made me so anxious that it made me physically sick for several days and I ended up being let go.
Second job I got was a call center doing support for credit card transactions. I was let go from that because of my call quality not being high enough.
That leads to my current job at Walmart. Nothing amazing, but it pays the bills, and I've been there for five years so I guess I'm doing something right.
That leads to the depression. It feels like my whole life has been a waste.
When I was a kid, I loved video games. I wanted to make them when I grew up. I took a multimedia class after high school where I learned some graphic design and web programming. It wasn't enough. All the coding I learned was for making web sites, so that didn't help much with games, and knowing how to use a tool is not the same as knowing how to make art. My mom knew someone whose company needed a web site built, but I couldn't do it because they needed encryption and security, and I'd never done any of that, nor did I know how to figure it out. I didn't know what else to do, and I needed a job so I joined the army. I used to say that was the most miserable four years of my life, but the subsequent anxiety and depression have put that into question.
At least I got the G.I. Bill so I could go back to school, right? So I wanted to take a computer repair course because that's what I had done in the army, but it was full and I needed to be in school to get the G.I. Bill coming in, so I signed up for a programming class. If I couldn't do the graphic stuff for games, maybe I could do the programming. Well, it turns out I hate programming.
So then I finally got into that computer repair class. Thought it went well. Couldn't get a relevant job afterward. That's when I learned "military service looks good on a resume" is a load of bullshit, because all I got hired by afterward were call centers and Walmart.
So here I am now. Anxiety keeps me from doing stuff. Depression keeps me from wanting to do stuff.
I recently had a mondo nostalgia hit from when I was more active in the furry community, when I was happier, when I had lots of friends, even if they were just online. I figured I'd come back, try being a little more active, see if it helps, see if maybe I can reconnect with some old friends. I notice that I've changed significantly, though. Tansunn as a character doesn't really represent me any more. Now he's his own thing. I created a new fursona that's more representative of me. Not sure if I'll make a new account for him, but we'll see.
Guess that leaves one last thing to address. The latest track I uploaded. I struggled hard with that one. I don't know what it was, but something in there kept tripping me up when I tried working on it. I had to restart work on that track several times and still couldn't figure out how to get past that part that kept tripping me up. Eventually, I decided I'd put it aside for a bit, work on some other stuff, and come back to it. Got stuck again, so I put it aside. Now, finally, I managed to get past it. Maybe it was help from the music classes I've been taking online, maybe it was experience from other things I've been working on, maybe it was just finding the right sound in some of the new tools I'd gotten, but I finally got it.
But the worst part is that I remained silent through all of that, for eight years. Maybe it was guilt at taking so long with it, maybe it was shame at getting stuck when I'd never really had issues before, maybe it was anxiety at how the donor might react having to wait so long compared to all the other tracks I'd done. I can't pinpoint a reason, but I know I shouldn't have stayed silent all that time and I'm truly sorry.
So yeah... My mind is a swirling mess of negativity. No idea if I'll be more active or if I'll continue to just lurk, but I'm still here.
I mentioned the anti-furry sentiment I encountered in a previous journal, so there was that. I'd lurk around, but not really interact with the furry community after that.
I got jobs. First job I got was a call center, doing tech support for cell phones. That made me so anxious that it made me physically sick for several days and I ended up being let go.
Second job I got was a call center doing support for credit card transactions. I was let go from that because of my call quality not being high enough.
That leads to my current job at Walmart. Nothing amazing, but it pays the bills, and I've been there for five years so I guess I'm doing something right.
That leads to the depression. It feels like my whole life has been a waste.
When I was a kid, I loved video games. I wanted to make them when I grew up. I took a multimedia class after high school where I learned some graphic design and web programming. It wasn't enough. All the coding I learned was for making web sites, so that didn't help much with games, and knowing how to use a tool is not the same as knowing how to make art. My mom knew someone whose company needed a web site built, but I couldn't do it because they needed encryption and security, and I'd never done any of that, nor did I know how to figure it out. I didn't know what else to do, and I needed a job so I joined the army. I used to say that was the most miserable four years of my life, but the subsequent anxiety and depression have put that into question.
At least I got the G.I. Bill so I could go back to school, right? So I wanted to take a computer repair course because that's what I had done in the army, but it was full and I needed to be in school to get the G.I. Bill coming in, so I signed up for a programming class. If I couldn't do the graphic stuff for games, maybe I could do the programming. Well, it turns out I hate programming.
So then I finally got into that computer repair class. Thought it went well. Couldn't get a relevant job afterward. That's when I learned "military service looks good on a resume" is a load of bullshit, because all I got hired by afterward were call centers and Walmart.
So here I am now. Anxiety keeps me from doing stuff. Depression keeps me from wanting to do stuff.
I recently had a mondo nostalgia hit from when I was more active in the furry community, when I was happier, when I had lots of friends, even if they were just online. I figured I'd come back, try being a little more active, see if it helps, see if maybe I can reconnect with some old friends. I notice that I've changed significantly, though. Tansunn as a character doesn't really represent me any more. Now he's his own thing. I created a new fursona that's more representative of me. Not sure if I'll make a new account for him, but we'll see.
Guess that leaves one last thing to address. The latest track I uploaded. I struggled hard with that one. I don't know what it was, but something in there kept tripping me up when I tried working on it. I had to restart work on that track several times and still couldn't figure out how to get past that part that kept tripping me up. Eventually, I decided I'd put it aside for a bit, work on some other stuff, and come back to it. Got stuck again, so I put it aside. Now, finally, I managed to get past it. Maybe it was help from the music classes I've been taking online, maybe it was experience from other things I've been working on, maybe it was just finding the right sound in some of the new tools I'd gotten, but I finally got it.
But the worst part is that I remained silent through all of that, for eight years. Maybe it was guilt at taking so long with it, maybe it was shame at getting stuck when I'd never really had issues before, maybe it was anxiety at how the donor might react having to wait so long compared to all the other tracks I'd done. I can't pinpoint a reason, but I know I shouldn't have stayed silent all that time and I'm truly sorry.
So yeah... My mind is a swirling mess of negativity. No idea if I'll be more active or if I'll continue to just lurk, but I'm still here.
I can relate to quite a few bits of life myself. I was big on game design and took graphic design classes. Unfortunately, I would have been better off doing free online tutorials instead. Most of what I ended up learning was on my own / from tutorials.
Also I somewhat know how ya feel about "furry". I stopped caring about the big picture of the "fandom" or whatever you wanna call it and I'm just here to look at nicely-drawn animal characters (or unique art styles, etc.)
Oh, and I still enjoy drawing, of course.