if yall have been watching me since the beginning, you know that my entire time as an artist on FA has been quite the undertaking. ive been an artist since i was a toddler, acumilating stacks and stacks of papers with drawings, but when i got older i just..didnt have the time i suppose. art was a hobby , i always had a binder with me and a pack of tools. but after my car accident in 2018, i started going downhill. and eventually,after i deteriorated past employability, i took up the pen once more but this time out of determination to keep making a living. cue in the furry community.

i started out on "thefurryforum". a humble little community where i started my first ever "buisness" in art. sure ive done commission before, but this was my first time really setting out to make it into sometime substantial. i flourished, and fast. everyone wanted a hand drawn peice made, and mailed to them. work was flowing, and it was good.

but i needed to grow out further. i was living in an appartment with my boyfriend at the time. and i didnt want to be a financial burden so early into our relationship. so eventualy i branched out, and came to discover Furaffinity. which was going to be the biggest boom in buisness i couldnt even had imagined. i was never without a customer. each and every day id get up. get online. draw, and make that earning i so sincerely needed. it wasnt "full rent" kind of money, but it was work, and it was mine. my turnout period was "done and posted" within 3-7 days. a neverending flow in of orders, and flow out of peices. it was laborous because it was all id do every day, but determined to carve out my place in the household. my stamina for art seemed like a endless fountain that came from a endless reserve. it left me with little time for other activities, but at the time i didnt think it mattered since i enjoyed my work. and i definately think due to my history of child abuse, i felt a constant need to justify my existence with labor.


things were fine for a while. except till they stopped. i was pretty much suicidal and on the brink before i met my ex husband. without going down that whole story, it eventualy came to us getting that appartment. he was great for a while but people like him....men like that. narcissists. sociopaths. they cant keep up the veil for long. long story short, he slowly revealed himself to be a monster. cruel and sadistic.he worked me to the bone with my art...there was no waking moment that i wasnt sitting in my chair, drawing for people. he repeatedly made poor money choices, and expected me to pick up the slack. he knew commission work meant i could take in hundreds of dollars worth of work on a moments notice and get him cash. regardless of wether i had the time for the labor. it was always things i couldnt say no to..."200, or i cant drive to work"...."400 or we cant make rent and were gonna be evicted"..."300, or theyre gonna reposess the car". it was always things i couldnt say no to. and who even knows if he was being honest, he swindled money from our roomate as well.

i was in over my head. i had taken on so much art projects, i was drowning. i was in absolute dispair, with no out. i couldnt stop taking more buisness, but i also couldnt possible catch up.i was in an impossible loop. i could finish one peice and 5 would take their place. my mental health steeped deep. i was cutting myself in secret. i was suicidal again. depression. and i developed a intense and harsh anxiety disorder. i had very manageable anxiety beforehand but with the work, and the emotional abuse from my now husband. it had become all consuming. panic attacks, multiple times a day. trigger or no trigger, panic would course through me. my daily obsession was learning to read his body language...his voice..any lilt in how he talked. read how his eyes moved. anticipate his moods and anticipate things that would make him angry. if i was cleaning or working he couldnt yell at me right? he would pick fights knowing my history of abuse would make me an easy and weak victim... that it would be effortless for him to control me.by the time i finnaly came to the decision i was going to leave him, i had to make the impossible into reality. i, a crippled woman in her 20's. with no family, no assets, no car, and nowhere to go. had to find a way to leave what was going to become my death if i didnt leave.

i took to selling absolutely everything i owned of any value. im sure you all remember me periodically selling my things here. i didnt have much to sell, considering most of my things i had already sold to make ends meet. i sold my pets, i sold my reptile breeding inventory (i had aspirations of being a breeder). i told him it was all because art buisness was getting slow. but i was secretly stashing the money for my getaway fund.

but i did have to keep taking commissions. else how else was i going to keep up the charade. i had to keep making money else he would wonder where the money went. i put myself into an art debt that to this day im still backed on. 5 years since ive left him and i still have backlog. i left my husband, was tricked by someone who i thought was my friend, and i ended up broke and alone in some motel in missourri. i knew nobody in the state. but i was fortunate and a relative i barely knew was apparently local and they came and rescued me, and took me back to maryland.

where i came to live with a friend for a few years. i was fortunate that an affordable rent rate was offered to me. 200 a month, and nothing else. i still had to take buisness, but from 2015-2018 i lived there and i worked. i had accumilated so much art debt, i was swimming in it. and i think it was around that time i was finnaly feeling it...the burnout. the weight of all the labor and work i had done to keep myself afloat. since i was no longer in a life threatening place, and no longer struggling. it fell on me all at once.

the years of hurt...of work...of betrayal and backstabbing. of neglect and malicious torment. all of it was finnaly spilling out. decompressing on me. it was harder to get out of bed..it was harder to pick up my tablet pen. to boot up the computer. i began to be tired of my art, but still. i felt a duty to finish each and every one. after all, my credibility as an artist was all i had. i could squirrel away little bits of funds and try to refund small projects here and there but at the end of the day. i had a mountain to climb.

by this time though...i was already so deep into art debt, i felt like i was never going to get it all done. i felt like everyone silently judged me. that all my watchers secretly thought that i was a lazy. that they were growing to become sick of me and my excuses. in my head, i felt like i had lost all credibility. that the least i could do was give the people what they were owed and hang my head in shame that it took so long. id lost the pride in my art for some time now, all my art feels like now is this obligation thats hanging over me. that im a fraud. ive grown to hate myself.

the last couple years though? has been me wringing the last drops of artistic ichor out of myself. that im not even present in my drawing anymore. that its just a mechanical motion im going through. i would even go so far as to say i almost dont like drawing anymore.

im sure youve all seen that my output has slowed to near non existance on FA the last year. i just....dont have anything else to give. im empty. the depression, telling me that everyone hates me and that im only redeemable if i can just get the art done, that isnt even enough to get a pen in my hand anymore. my marrow has been sucked dry. i took many breaks from art, but ive finnaly come to the conclusion that a break just isnt going to cut it anymore. i need far more than what a break can offer me.


i need to love art again.

and ive just been strapped up into this art machine for so long, i dont love it anymore. art, has been the essence of my being. my soul, for as long as i have existed. so loosing my love for art is paramount to near death itself. and i just simply cannot offer you whan i dont have. im done. im all out. my art well is bone dry.


i need to find a new art vein within me. i need to back up from the commission life that has devoured me whole. i need to nurture it and let it grow with my own personal inspirations. i need to nurse a new bud into bloom with personal arts and my own imaginations.

it may be a year. it may be two. it may be five. but im officcialy. not, taking commissions anymore. at all.


i need to feel alive again.




-im not leaving FA. but from now on, all content will be my personal art-



(anyone who has art owed from me, reach out to me. and ill add you to a refund list. my precious and beloved darling of a mate is helping me wipe away my debts and giving me a new start. im refunding everyone.)