I just feel the need to write a journal entry to explain the life and mind of RockerGrayFox right now and I just need to get it out there. I'm pretty inebriated right now; been drinking excessively lately (for someone who usually doesn't drink, let's say I'm on my 4th bottle of those 1.5 oz bottles of Smirnoff to give you a scale, since my birthday on NOV 6TH......I generally feel icky when I drink, usually even to the point of vomming) ever since my Dad sorta shot me down and doesn't expect an art career out of me...Not to mention waking up in the morning single and by myself...but I'm so inebriated right now, I just don't feel like bitching about that right now. Let's just say my local furry friends may or may not be excluding me from fur meets and cons and stuff or just generally opportunities to meet other furs or whatever. *GLUG* This is more of an opportunity to spill my guts out of current thoughts and future projects. I tend to call alcohol "truth serum" in conversation. I won't be spittin' harsh truths about any individuals, just no need, no reason, not good, not cool in the slightest, and even though I know some individuals on here might hate me, I have no qualms with ANYONE right now....This is just an entry of what I'm currently thinking right now and maybe some gut-spilling reveals of some future projects that may or may not happen.

Firstly, I've been binge-watching SNL sketches like mad and especially during recently/soon-to-be-posted drawings. (Saturday Night Live). Haven't really seen much of the "classic" ones on Youtube (Bill Murray, Eddie Murphy, etc.) but keep watching somewhat recent ones with Will Ferrell, Jimmy Fallon, Amy Poehler, etc. Watching these make me long for the days of high school theatre. I really want to dabble in theatre again, maybe. Although, it would obviously be a pipe dream to go straight to SNL, I've even been fantasizing about starring on there and even doing a furry sketch to break the barriers a little...I need to tell you about our High School Theatre shenanigans in a future post, but I'm somewhat afraid that the details will be too specific and someone will track me one day...But, anyway, SNL...Just watching past sketches and even some of the "memories" Youtube videos they've been posting and I just...long for that...so much. I want to be part of something bigger, yet compact, very unlike the "shitty jobs" I've been working where I feel like a trapped, soulless cog-in-the-machine. I may as well be the AVGN of basic employment at this point...But back to Theatre, I just really love the humor involved and feel the need to entertain others, but don't even know how. I just want to part of a stellar cast (not even referring to how famous they are, just different humor and personalities). Or maybe perhaps a team of individuals working on a game or something...God, I still do miss my high school days in the theater, there were even straight dudes getting naked in Men's dressing room...If that will hopefully even get you to keep reading. Shigeru Miyamoto (Mario, Donkey Kong, Legend of Zelda, you know him) even once said his characters are like a "theatre troupe" in his game worlds, and that is a weird layer of psychology I've takin account of my own characters; they're mercenaries and lovers, yet they are also "puppets" or "play-things", willing to entertain any, even perverted, imaginations as long as they are happy and the "Player", or sorts, is entertained...and happy...and like them... :____; But, yeah, long-story short; want to maybe try acting again, but I can say, with some arrogance, that I am a "Reneissance Man" of some sorts; meaning that I dabble in a long of different creatives processes. But, I just really don't know what to settle on. What would fuckin pay the bills? What will make my RL father happy with me??

I was going to draw more "depression porn" as I call it, but to drunk to care or even do so, and even then; no one really wants to see more of that, probably. I think this image stems more from the desire of companionship, but maybe I will draw in the future to get it off my chest. Basically, I picture a crying, plush-toy Fox on a shelf in a store. All the other children with their parents are grabbing other characters off the shelf, Rugert and Bo-Booso, and yet Fox is left on the toy shelf, broken and crying silently to himself. No one will choose him to take home and love forever.......But who am i kidding? Even REAL relationships don't even last that long and love is just a fleeting concept at this point. My parents couldn't stay together. The two artists I had watched didn't stay together. Why do I want companionship so bad when it is just a myth nowadays??

Okay, I'm getting tired of typing this and I promised I said something about future projects...But I only remember one thing to refer to. I swear I come up with fantastic descriptions/journals and can't even remember to write it all...I've tossed the idea around of doing Youtube with a puppet of Fox. I want to do a cool furry Youtube channel with just my thoughts and whatnot..Maybe lessons I have learnt so far in my 20s. But I have this deep-threaded fear some fuck-face will trace it back to this art account and find my piss-and-shit porn and then I will become a "lolcow" of sorts.

I don't know.... I was a tad inspired by Ulililila and some of his stuff. The dude thinks in RPG and that's basically what I've been trying to do my whole life, just even to get through the shitty parts. I also DO want to start a web archive and Deep Web archive page full of all the stuff I think about, all the notes, all the Notebook of 1000 Demons stuff, all the illustrations I have done that may or may not have to do with furries.

That's all I wanted to puke out right now. I hope you are all having a great day, I'm really sorry if I rained on your parade if you were having a good day and happened to click on this Journal.