I know that I'm not really active here nowadays, but I just need somewhere to vent and get my thoughts and feelings down, mostly so I can take everything in while I sit here in shock.

So roughly 3 hours ago, my grandmother passed away from breast cancer, which had spread to multiple parts of her body. This hasn't come as a shock as she was declared terminal in the spring, but the doesn't stop this horrible mixture of emotions.

I feel privileged. My grandmother was the most loving person and the purest heart I've ever known. She was more than a grandparent, she adopted me at one of the lowest points of my life and was vocal about how she saw me as the son that she never had. It would have been a privilege just to have known her, but I was the luckiest guy on the planet for being related to her.

I feel relieved. I was told that her death was going to be imminent on the 6th November and that she had 48-72 hours left. So I vowed to stay by her bedside, keeping her company and helping make her as comfortable as I possibly could. Miraculously, she rallied, fighting on for 10 days. I stayed with her until the end, up until her last breath, leaving only to use the bathroom and shower.

I feel angry. She was let down by medical professionals every step of the way. Multiple misdiagnosis, lost test results and even a doctor declaring that she was terminal early on when she was alone, without the company of her loved ones, only for a second and a third doctor to tell us otherwise weeks later cost her dearly. There was even an admission of mistreatment from the hospital that the mistakes had cost her six weeks of treatment, which could have potentially saved her life. It leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.

If nothing else, I can take comfort in that I was there for the last 10 days of her life. I was there until the very end. She went peacefully and was never alone.

Rest in peace Nan. I'll love you always.
1st May 1944 - 17th November 2020