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getting on with it
16 years ago
Just as a warning, I'm not sure how long this ramble is going to be. I have not seriously written anything in about three or four months due to chaos and catastrophe but fall weather is bringing in a tide of unspoken thoughts, feelings and restlessness. This and all future rambles will be cross posted to LJ, FB and MS (and maybe even FA) since I have completely different sets of friends on most of them.
I will also warn that the things I will be writing about fall into the categories of current real life, past real life and complete fiction. I will make no distinction about where the post falls at the time it is posted. Some things are just things I need to get sorted in my own head, some things are bits and pieces of thoughts I need to put down for a project I will be working on with an artist who is interested in combining his paintings with my words and there will be bits of other things that are just exercises for my own benefit or thoughts inspired by whatever my experiences and interactions are at the moment.
I spent the past few months dating someone and the only fitting words to describe the experience are absolute fabulous fucking disaster. I do not count it as a mistake because I learned a lot and got some of the answers I needed to understand better who I am and what I want. I broke off the relationship and it has caused more than a few hurt feelings. I will not go into the details because there is no reason to share the tidbits and if you are in my life you either know exactly what happened or have a really good idea of what all transpired. The past month of my life has been hell on earth and the parting kick in the head nearly crushed me. Revenge is such a petty thing.
The things I have learned or been reminded of are:
- My heart already belongs to someone so I do not have it to offer to a new mate at this time.
- I am much better suited to living alone and do not want to live with anyone else.
- Nostalgia is only scary if you let it eat at you.
- Life is what I make it and today is the first day of the rest of my life.
- If I cannot have quiet time to write and meditate everyday I become a cranky bitch.
- My friends are the most amazing illuminated souls.
- I have friends in my corner that I did not realize were there until recently.
- My life already contains everything I need to be happy.
- My instincts are dead on, no matter how strange my choices seem to others.
- Happiness is a choice, not a right.
- People and experiences can only destroy you if you let them.
- Being by myself does not mean being alone.
- I can survive life with my sense of adventure still intact.
There is a lot more to that but it will come out over time.
And now for the random thoughts portion of the post so I remember later what I wanted to write about.....
What some people call love is actually a combination of fear and dread.
I no longer fear love and accept it for what it is in that moment and in my unique connection to that person.
A traditional relationship will never work for me. I just don't have it in me.
Discovery and acceptance of self is key. Show no fear and just be yourself.
Love need not be reciprocated to be fulfilling. Sometimes it is enough just to love without expecting anything in return.
Let everyone in your life be, do or express in whatever way they see fit. You are only sharing part of the path with them but no two people ever share an entire path together even if you spend the rest of your lives together. Life is an ebb and flow of convergence and divergence. Let time sort it out and do not try to control it.
Sometimes life is just random and if we try to control it too much we miss the important, if seemingly small, lessons.
I think I have most of the bones down and you will get more information as time moves on. I just needed to get back in the habit of writing and sharing. Love it. Hate it. It is not for me to decide, it is only imperative for me to write and you to respond or ignore. Maybe you have already learned or figured out for yourself what I am just now getting around to. If so, kudos to you and thank you for your patience. If not, talk to me and let me know your perspective. I could use the chat and the input.
In closing, the Zen quote I have been thinking upon lately is: "The sound of water says what I think." Chuang-Tzu
An introspective yet extroverted night to all & POLO!!!
I will also warn that the things I will be writing about fall into the categories of current real life, past real life and complete fiction. I will make no distinction about where the post falls at the time it is posted. Some things are just things I need to get sorted in my own head, some things are bits and pieces of thoughts I need to put down for a project I will be working on with an artist who is interested in combining his paintings with my words and there will be bits of other things that are just exercises for my own benefit or thoughts inspired by whatever my experiences and interactions are at the moment.
I spent the past few months dating someone and the only fitting words to describe the experience are absolute fabulous fucking disaster. I do not count it as a mistake because I learned a lot and got some of the answers I needed to understand better who I am and what I want. I broke off the relationship and it has caused more than a few hurt feelings. I will not go into the details because there is no reason to share the tidbits and if you are in my life you either know exactly what happened or have a really good idea of what all transpired. The past month of my life has been hell on earth and the parting kick in the head nearly crushed me. Revenge is such a petty thing.
The things I have learned or been reminded of are:
- My heart already belongs to someone so I do not have it to offer to a new mate at this time.
- I am much better suited to living alone and do not want to live with anyone else.
- Nostalgia is only scary if you let it eat at you.
- Life is what I make it and today is the first day of the rest of my life.
- If I cannot have quiet time to write and meditate everyday I become a cranky bitch.
- My friends are the most amazing illuminated souls.
- I have friends in my corner that I did not realize were there until recently.
- My life already contains everything I need to be happy.
- My instincts are dead on, no matter how strange my choices seem to others.
- Happiness is a choice, not a right.
- People and experiences can only destroy you if you let them.
- Being by myself does not mean being alone.
- I can survive life with my sense of adventure still intact.
There is a lot more to that but it will come out over time.
And now for the random thoughts portion of the post so I remember later what I wanted to write about.....
What some people call love is actually a combination of fear and dread.
I no longer fear love and accept it for what it is in that moment and in my unique connection to that person.
A traditional relationship will never work for me. I just don't have it in me.
Discovery and acceptance of self is key. Show no fear and just be yourself.
Love need not be reciprocated to be fulfilling. Sometimes it is enough just to love without expecting anything in return.
Let everyone in your life be, do or express in whatever way they see fit. You are only sharing part of the path with them but no two people ever share an entire path together even if you spend the rest of your lives together. Life is an ebb and flow of convergence and divergence. Let time sort it out and do not try to control it.
Sometimes life is just random and if we try to control it too much we miss the important, if seemingly small, lessons.
I think I have most of the bones down and you will get more information as time moves on. I just needed to get back in the habit of writing and sharing. Love it. Hate it. It is not for me to decide, it is only imperative for me to write and you to respond or ignore. Maybe you have already learned or figured out for yourself what I am just now getting around to. If so, kudos to you and thank you for your patience. If not, talk to me and let me know your perspective. I could use the chat and the input.
In closing, the Zen quote I have been thinking upon lately is: "The sound of water says what I think." Chuang-Tzu
An introspective yet extroverted night to all & POLO!!!
