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Another "TMWY" Sort of Thing || November 29th, 2020
5 years ago
General
The Hefty 'Bre has something to say!
I should be happy that I got a PS5 today after getting pissy and angry over how much the scalpers have screwed me to find one for a fair price like I did at Walmart, but...I honestly feel like I screwed up again and made a mistake that I likely said to myself I wouldn't repeat. I may have upset or even pissed off an artist with my behavior last night. I'll explain this, as usual, so you all can get the story.
As some of you might have seen from my gallery, I bought 3 refs and 1 other image from an artist named Chub United. I can't deny that their artwork is amazing and I admire them for it. However, for the last month or so, I've been trying to get a ref from them on a new character I wanted to surprise everyone with, to show them what sort of ideas I have for when it comes to chatting about characters. I felt mad when I found out last night I wasn't picked for a "First Come First Serve(FCFS)" slot because I didn't have everything laid out on the Google Docs form. I wasn't told this until after the FCFS slots were filled and it made me angry a lot that night. I was hyped up for this, but I brought myself down when I wasn't specific enough yet again on something I've been this patient for. Clearly, my patience has long since run dry and I blew a fuse over it. I reacted in a way that I think made Chub dislike me more than ever despite praising his artwork so much...in my own way, at least. I went back to fill out a form for an "Artist Choice(AC)" slot the same night, but still didn't get picked by the end of it. And one or more of my comments were likely the last straw as he(Or they, sorry. I see "He" on their profile too) said this to me: "I gotta say buddy you being angry and sour about stuff doesnt make me want to work with you very much". Their exact words to me on Twitter. And it hit me: I messed up.
Now, I don't want people being sorry for me over this because, honestly? This is my fault. My emotions got the best of me after a rocky October and November for me. I'm jumping back and forth on how to feel and it's just painful to me. I hardly ever get physically injured, but my mental state takes more of a hit than anything else. This year, and previous ones, haven't been the best on me. This year in particular has left barely any room to be free and be happy with myself. More than ever, I just make myself sad, angry or depressed. I have very little options on me and the only people I live with have argued loud enough to where I can hear them, get drunk, and often neglect to listen or do anything with me. I just feel lonely more than ever in terms of people being around me physically. All my friends are either away doing stuff or online such as Discord and Twitter. I hardly have a good outlet to turn to and it feels like I'm being dragged down yet again by my feelings. I can't ignore that I act more on feeling than anything else. It just...makes me too soft despite how hard I try to be. Especially on myself. My mind is a mess right now as it bounds back and forth on things. I should be grateful I have a better TV, better chair, a new console that many can't even flipping buy right now, a mic, a headset, and so much more...but all I learn to take more personally is the negativity because that's what I've learned most of my life. I've lost my smile a lot with time cause I'm losing a lot of what makes me happy or not doing the things that make me happy cause I don't want to further ruin what little I have that brings me joy and...anything, really. Out of my own desperation to get something to not only make myself happy, but to others, I sour a tie I have to someone I praise for their work.
Before anyone says things out of the wrong way, I want to preface something to you. I'm not putting blame on Chub United at all for anything that happened to me when it comes to getting that commission. It was my fault I didn't describe things well enough and it's my fault for my outburst. I let negativity often cloud me and it often speaks louder than any positive message I try to put anywhere. Or even positive messages received, to be honest. Chub, if you're reading this, I'm sorry for my behavior from earlier. It was wrong of me being pissed at you for losing my temper. I'll be avoiding attempts to get a commission from you for a while as to not further sour things. I'll even back off from interacting with your posts, if it makes things better. I just don't want to make another artist hate me after being a nuisance to another artist when I first started on FA about 4 or so years ago.
I honestly just hate myself for my own behavior right now. I don't know what I should do besides work now. To give everyone a break from me for a change, I won't be posting or favoriting anything for about a week on FA and on my fetish account on Twitter. I just think I need to be punished again for how I behave as it feels like me being vocal causes so many more issues and harm than actual good. What I do is not only is to try and make me happy, but to hopefully make others happy, interested in my characters, and maybe be inspired to do more with theirs. It's...what I want for the best of others. I hope me being gone for a week pleases someone out there to be taking a break from me. I'll see you all another time.
As some of you might have seen from my gallery, I bought 3 refs and 1 other image from an artist named Chub United. I can't deny that their artwork is amazing and I admire them for it. However, for the last month or so, I've been trying to get a ref from them on a new character I wanted to surprise everyone with, to show them what sort of ideas I have for when it comes to chatting about characters. I felt mad when I found out last night I wasn't picked for a "First Come First Serve(FCFS)" slot because I didn't have everything laid out on the Google Docs form. I wasn't told this until after the FCFS slots were filled and it made me angry a lot that night. I was hyped up for this, but I brought myself down when I wasn't specific enough yet again on something I've been this patient for. Clearly, my patience has long since run dry and I blew a fuse over it. I reacted in a way that I think made Chub dislike me more than ever despite praising his artwork so much...in my own way, at least. I went back to fill out a form for an "Artist Choice(AC)" slot the same night, but still didn't get picked by the end of it. And one or more of my comments were likely the last straw as he(Or they, sorry. I see "He" on their profile too) said this to me: "I gotta say buddy you being angry and sour about stuff doesnt make me want to work with you very much". Their exact words to me on Twitter. And it hit me: I messed up.
Now, I don't want people being sorry for me over this because, honestly? This is my fault. My emotions got the best of me after a rocky October and November for me. I'm jumping back and forth on how to feel and it's just painful to me. I hardly ever get physically injured, but my mental state takes more of a hit than anything else. This year, and previous ones, haven't been the best on me. This year in particular has left barely any room to be free and be happy with myself. More than ever, I just make myself sad, angry or depressed. I have very little options on me and the only people I live with have argued loud enough to where I can hear them, get drunk, and often neglect to listen or do anything with me. I just feel lonely more than ever in terms of people being around me physically. All my friends are either away doing stuff or online such as Discord and Twitter. I hardly have a good outlet to turn to and it feels like I'm being dragged down yet again by my feelings. I can't ignore that I act more on feeling than anything else. It just...makes me too soft despite how hard I try to be. Especially on myself. My mind is a mess right now as it bounds back and forth on things. I should be grateful I have a better TV, better chair, a new console that many can't even flipping buy right now, a mic, a headset, and so much more...but all I learn to take more personally is the negativity because that's what I've learned most of my life. I've lost my smile a lot with time cause I'm losing a lot of what makes me happy or not doing the things that make me happy cause I don't want to further ruin what little I have that brings me joy and...anything, really. Out of my own desperation to get something to not only make myself happy, but to others, I sour a tie I have to someone I praise for their work.
Before anyone says things out of the wrong way, I want to preface something to you. I'm not putting blame on Chub United at all for anything that happened to me when it comes to getting that commission. It was my fault I didn't describe things well enough and it's my fault for my outburst. I let negativity often cloud me and it often speaks louder than any positive message I try to put anywhere. Or even positive messages received, to be honest. Chub, if you're reading this, I'm sorry for my behavior from earlier. It was wrong of me being pissed at you for losing my temper. I'll be avoiding attempts to get a commission from you for a while as to not further sour things. I'll even back off from interacting with your posts, if it makes things better. I just don't want to make another artist hate me after being a nuisance to another artist when I first started on FA about 4 or so years ago.
I honestly just hate myself for my own behavior right now. I don't know what I should do besides work now. To give everyone a break from me for a change, I won't be posting or favoriting anything for about a week on FA and on my fetish account on Twitter. I just think I need to be punished again for how I behave as it feels like me being vocal causes so many more issues and harm than actual good. What I do is not only is to try and make me happy, but to hopefully make others happy, interested in my characters, and maybe be inspired to do more with theirs. It's...what I want for the best of others. I hope me being gone for a week pleases someone out there to be taking a break from me. I'll see you all another time.
