FA+
Shop
This is a bit of a rant but also a bit about me....
5 years ago
I know I rarely talk to anyone on here other then a few comments on your artwork or through notes rather it's commissions or just idolizing your lovely character(s)
For starters I want to say anyone whose going through any tough times in life, if you ever want to vent or talk feel free to message me. I've struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts since I was roughly eight years old, I'm now twenty-eight so twenty years of depression and suicidal thoughts with multiple attempts at ending my own life. I know my life could be 100% worse then a lot of people in this world but each and every single one of us struggles in are own way and I just want to let you all know you MATTER, people CARE about you, rather you think no one does or not. So again feel free to reach out to vent or anything I'm all ears <33
So in a way this is also an interesting coming out post on FA as well, since the age of jez...Seven or Eight, I'll just say Eight, I began questioning my own self I'm born male yet around Eight I began questioning it myself unsure of what I was even thinking, I just knew I felt different and rather unhappy about a lot of things, too the point where I was taking my sisters or cousins clothing and just wearing them whenever I was alone, still unsure of what was even going on. It wasn't till I was probably fourteen or fifteen that my mother had stumbled upon this to where she had sat me down and had a talk with me. Now mind you all those years I've been really unhappy with who I was to the point of attempting to end my life in hopes of a new life were I was born as a female instead. My mom had told me a bunch of things from simply how I felt, informed me about cross dressing, the whole being straight, gay, bi, so forth as well as even transgender, to which amazingly my mother began supporting me in my choice and even helped me buy clothing for myself. But it felt unreal and I felt a bit more disgusted with myself as I felt shut out and I wasn't aware of how to even begin actually doing these things specifically without constant support within my teen years where bulling and the whole LGBTQ wasn't really blowing up as much as it has been these past years. Which lead to me avoiding A LOT of people, friends, family, so forth so I suffer from social anxiety to the point of all I want to do is escape, if I can't escape and hide I get an extremely nausea feeling like I'm going to throw up and pass out.
Over the course of 15 to 28 (current age) I've progressed very little with being comfortable with who I am, as I hate to feel it but I still don't feel safe, I have no one around me to continue giving me support in person to help with my social anxiety if I were to ever go out ( pathetic in a way but that's how I am after all these years ) most of my progress has just been under garments and some pants, with a few skirts and lounge pants that I wear while I'm alone at home, I've gone to therapy a few times to seek help but I can't afford the whole $100-300 some therapists are charging for just 30minutes to an hour if that for a session (Yeah I get it, it's their time and time is money in a way) which leads to another thing, my family hasn't always been great with money while I grew up, I had no concept of money and I hate to admit it even to this day I have VERY bad concept of money I've grown to harshly with impulse buys like...I look at my bank and see money just sitting there and my mind is like ew gross I don't want this so I just spend it on stupid things, to the point where I was like 10k in debt on credit cards and being stupid with money which I want to say is happily down to I think 4k of debt in two years work.
But, good news to that, I've moved out on my own for two years and have a better concept of money for the most part, as I actually have bills and everything to pay so I can't buy as much, but I still impulse buy but not as much ( even more so that I've been giving up my gaming habit which has been draining my money the most all these years )
I've had a recent over haul in my life after I came to a realization that I could very much have gone homeless, I've set major goals for myself, plans for my future for the most part and for once in my life I'm actually wanting to thrive and live as a goal I've set for myself to finally accept myself for who I am and hopefully be able to constantly see a therapist and hopefully be guided more down and go through with the whole transgender acceptance to seek the whole estrogen treatment and whatever else joys that new life of mine holds.
For anyone who is reading this, thank you for taking your time to read this, from here on out I am in a much better mind set, it feels like a huge weight was lifted off me but I will continue to be weighed down by a few things till I can over come them. But again to anyone who struggles and just want a shoulder to lean on and vent I'm here for you <3
For starters I want to say anyone whose going through any tough times in life, if you ever want to vent or talk feel free to message me. I've struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts since I was roughly eight years old, I'm now twenty-eight so twenty years of depression and suicidal thoughts with multiple attempts at ending my own life. I know my life could be 100% worse then a lot of people in this world but each and every single one of us struggles in are own way and I just want to let you all know you MATTER, people CARE about you, rather you think no one does or not. So again feel free to reach out to vent or anything I'm all ears <33
So in a way this is also an interesting coming out post on FA as well, since the age of jez...Seven or Eight, I'll just say Eight, I began questioning my own self I'm born male yet around Eight I began questioning it myself unsure of what I was even thinking, I just knew I felt different and rather unhappy about a lot of things, too the point where I was taking my sisters or cousins clothing and just wearing them whenever I was alone, still unsure of what was even going on. It wasn't till I was probably fourteen or fifteen that my mother had stumbled upon this to where she had sat me down and had a talk with me. Now mind you all those years I've been really unhappy with who I was to the point of attempting to end my life in hopes of a new life were I was born as a female instead. My mom had told me a bunch of things from simply how I felt, informed me about cross dressing, the whole being straight, gay, bi, so forth as well as even transgender, to which amazingly my mother began supporting me in my choice and even helped me buy clothing for myself. But it felt unreal and I felt a bit more disgusted with myself as I felt shut out and I wasn't aware of how to even begin actually doing these things specifically without constant support within my teen years where bulling and the whole LGBTQ wasn't really blowing up as much as it has been these past years. Which lead to me avoiding A LOT of people, friends, family, so forth so I suffer from social anxiety to the point of all I want to do is escape, if I can't escape and hide I get an extremely nausea feeling like I'm going to throw up and pass out.
Over the course of 15 to 28 (current age) I've progressed very little with being comfortable with who I am, as I hate to feel it but I still don't feel safe, I have no one around me to continue giving me support in person to help with my social anxiety if I were to ever go out ( pathetic in a way but that's how I am after all these years ) most of my progress has just been under garments and some pants, with a few skirts and lounge pants that I wear while I'm alone at home, I've gone to therapy a few times to seek help but I can't afford the whole $100-300 some therapists are charging for just 30minutes to an hour if that for a session (Yeah I get it, it's their time and time is money in a way) which leads to another thing, my family hasn't always been great with money while I grew up, I had no concept of money and I hate to admit it even to this day I have VERY bad concept of money I've grown to harshly with impulse buys like...I look at my bank and see money just sitting there and my mind is like ew gross I don't want this so I just spend it on stupid things, to the point where I was like 10k in debt on credit cards and being stupid with money which I want to say is happily down to I think 4k of debt in two years work.
But, good news to that, I've moved out on my own for two years and have a better concept of money for the most part, as I actually have bills and everything to pay so I can't buy as much, but I still impulse buy but not as much ( even more so that I've been giving up my gaming habit which has been draining my money the most all these years )
I've had a recent over haul in my life after I came to a realization that I could very much have gone homeless, I've set major goals for myself, plans for my future for the most part and for once in my life I'm actually wanting to thrive and live as a goal I've set for myself to finally accept myself for who I am and hopefully be able to constantly see a therapist and hopefully be guided more down and go through with the whole transgender acceptance to seek the whole estrogen treatment and whatever else joys that new life of mine holds.
For anyone who is reading this, thank you for taking your time to read this, from here on out I am in a much better mind set, it feels like a huge weight was lifted off me but I will continue to be weighed down by a few things till I can over come them. But again to anyone who struggles and just want a shoulder to lean on and vent I'm here for you <3
I can, safely say that my grandfather has changed quiet a bit since those days to now, he more or less accepts the whole LGBTQ community, in a way accepted their presences but still mumbles and groans how "God" stats in the bible how it should be man and woman not man and man or woman and woman and how there is only two genders and the whole nine yards. So I'm proud of him for at least getting that far ( Which I also understand a bit each era of time has major turn of events in history which the world slowly begins evolving around so it's not gonna happen over night. )
But if you even need a shoulder to lean on or just randomly vent feel free to message me <# I ain't great with responses but I just want people to know they can vent, as venting can help take A LOT off as they are keeping it locked in forever, which I've bottled up a lot for twenty some years and had multiple break downs alone...it sucks..so I'm here ^.^