FOR REAL THIS TIME

I got the e-mail confirmation and everything. To put this in perspective, I have been taking college classes off n on since 2008. I'VE DONE MY WAITING! TWELVE YEARS OF IT! Agonizing process of grants, loans, and self-pay all led up to this. It is a profound understatement to say that I am relieved.

Still....

I'm not all that happy. Despite getting Latin Honors I feel like it's not enough because I didn't finish sooner. Yeah yeah life isn't a race blah blah but it's not really about that. I wanted mom to be there too. After she died I just didn't want to go back to school because I thought "What's the point?". I spent about five or so years trying to be better. Better grades, better attitude, better outlook, better treatment etc only for her to say "I'm not proud of you. I like you less now than I had before."

You know prior to that I didn't really have a grasp on what "ugly cry" was.

The sad thing is that we were never close so it's not like I have any nostalgic memories I want to bring back or anything. I thought that if I became more like myself and not faking happiness all the time then maybe something would grow from that? Now I feel like I failed because I didn't try hard enough or I wasn't fast enough. Her friends and my remaining family are all "oh she was always so proud of you" and honestly that's more infuriating than comforting.

Is there anything anyone can say to make me feel better? No, not really. I don't know how long it will be before this will heal but I'm going to do my best to be my best.

2020 is almost over and man, I thought some of the previous years were bad...but I guess few things will really affect me anymore. I've already been there/done that for a whole lot of shit so like even if something else happens I mean yeah I'll be upset but not to the levels from this past year. So there's that.

Anyway...now that I'm out of school I'll definitely be focusing on more art-related stuff for mostly my own well-being. It's cathartic, it's fun, etc.