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Shouting into the Void
4 years ago
So, I need to just yell into the void right now. I'll probably delete this later, but I needed to outwardly express some shit I'm going through.
It's identity crisis time, folks. I'm having a jolly time, indeed, blazing through confusion on all fronts.
My cultural identity is whacked. I'm half-black-half-white, but, growing up, I was only ever really exposed to the white half of my family because my bio parents broke up when I was two, and biofather was barely in my life until about my mid-20s. I never really jived with the family I was exposed to, and, by the time I was more actively exposed to the other side of my family, I was so distanced from them that I couldn't relate to them. That meant social anxiety kicked in and prevented any opportunity to get to really know them in earnest much less participate in that side of the culture. So, I'm not really sure what the hell I am, culturally. I'm a mixed-race, poc, American. But none of that has any real meaning for me.
My gender identity continues to bother me, but that's really more of a pain of "I don't think I'm trans enough because I haven't been able to do x, y, or z." Pretty basic shit tho it still plagues me.
My sexual identity is basically useless since my sex drive is pretty much deadened. Like, yeah I still get turned on once in a while but as soon as the thought of actual sex crosses my mind, I start going into hyperdrive thinking about what would go wrong. Not to mention the FEW fetishes I have are impossible to fulfill IRL, leaving me with no kinks to speak of while I'm surrounded by people who have all kinds of kinks they get to enjoy. Admittedly not earth shattering but it still hurts...
Anyway, my artistic identity is in question, at the moment, because I can't really bring myself to draw (reliably) outside of commission work. All my passion for creating art for anything other than profit is pretty much gone, and it is ripping me apart. I FULLY regret making art my full-time job when I did. I should have built a lot more of a following before I even began taking commissions. Don't get me twisted, I love the friends I've made in the process of being a commission artist and wouldn't trade them. But what I never realized when I made this my full-time thing is that the process should have been more drawn out (no pun intended) than what I did. Like...
What I did: Finding a job sucks, especially when you can't drive. I need something I can do from home. Oh I know! I'll sell my art! *dives right into commission work*
What I should have done: Suck it up, keep looking for a job. Build an audience by doing art for me/that I'm into. Reach about 10,000+ followers and open a Patreon or start taking a few commissions here and there. Once demand for my commissions goes up or my Patreon matures into a livable monthly income, THEN quit wage-slavery and do the art thing full time.
Now, I'm kinda shitfucked and unable to get it up unless there are dollars being waved in my face. Because of this, none of my financial goals have been reached in 10 years (tho I didn't have any real goals till about 3 or 4 years ago), I can barely draw non-commission work, and even with commission work I'm glacially slow. I wanna start working on a comic series idea I had, but A - I "know" nobody's gonna care cuz I can't write for ass and it's not porn anyway so who the fuck's gonna buy into my stupid indie garbage heap? And B - I don't have the time, even if I had the know-how and the drive. So that's out the fucking window. Bonus C - it's too ambitious a setting. I can't flesh it out without a myriad of problems cropping up for which I have absolutely no good solutions.
This fucking blows. I've basically lost track of who or what the hell I am. I cannot afford any professional help. Read somewhere sometime ago that unchecked depression and anxiety literally causes the brain to start to consume itself over time, so that's fucking wonderful. Also figuring out this year that I probably have ADHD, so navigating that hot mess has been a real sloppy anal blast, too.
Just...fuck a LOT of things.
And rant over.
It's identity crisis time, folks. I'm having a jolly time, indeed, blazing through confusion on all fronts.
My cultural identity is whacked. I'm half-black-half-white, but, growing up, I was only ever really exposed to the white half of my family because my bio parents broke up when I was two, and biofather was barely in my life until about my mid-20s. I never really jived with the family I was exposed to, and, by the time I was more actively exposed to the other side of my family, I was so distanced from them that I couldn't relate to them. That meant social anxiety kicked in and prevented any opportunity to get to really know them in earnest much less participate in that side of the culture. So, I'm not really sure what the hell I am, culturally. I'm a mixed-race, poc, American. But none of that has any real meaning for me.
My gender identity continues to bother me, but that's really more of a pain of "I don't think I'm trans enough because I haven't been able to do x, y, or z." Pretty basic shit tho it still plagues me.
My sexual identity is basically useless since my sex drive is pretty much deadened. Like, yeah I still get turned on once in a while but as soon as the thought of actual sex crosses my mind, I start going into hyperdrive thinking about what would go wrong. Not to mention the FEW fetishes I have are impossible to fulfill IRL, leaving me with no kinks to speak of while I'm surrounded by people who have all kinds of kinks they get to enjoy. Admittedly not earth shattering but it still hurts...
Anyway, my artistic identity is in question, at the moment, because I can't really bring myself to draw (reliably) outside of commission work. All my passion for creating art for anything other than profit is pretty much gone, and it is ripping me apart. I FULLY regret making art my full-time job when I did. I should have built a lot more of a following before I even began taking commissions. Don't get me twisted, I love the friends I've made in the process of being a commission artist and wouldn't trade them. But what I never realized when I made this my full-time thing is that the process should have been more drawn out (no pun intended) than what I did. Like...
What I did: Finding a job sucks, especially when you can't drive. I need something I can do from home. Oh I know! I'll sell my art! *dives right into commission work*
What I should have done: Suck it up, keep looking for a job. Build an audience by doing art for me/that I'm into. Reach about 10,000+ followers and open a Patreon or start taking a few commissions here and there. Once demand for my commissions goes up or my Patreon matures into a livable monthly income, THEN quit wage-slavery and do the art thing full time.
Now, I'm kinda shitfucked and unable to get it up unless there are dollars being waved in my face. Because of this, none of my financial goals have been reached in 10 years (tho I didn't have any real goals till about 3 or 4 years ago), I can barely draw non-commission work, and even with commission work I'm glacially slow. I wanna start working on a comic series idea I had, but A - I "know" nobody's gonna care cuz I can't write for ass and it's not porn anyway so who the fuck's gonna buy into my stupid indie garbage heap? And B - I don't have the time, even if I had the know-how and the drive. So that's out the fucking window. Bonus C - it's too ambitious a setting. I can't flesh it out without a myriad of problems cropping up for which I have absolutely no good solutions.
This fucking blows. I've basically lost track of who or what the hell I am. I cannot afford any professional help. Read somewhere sometime ago that unchecked depression and anxiety literally causes the brain to start to consume itself over time, so that's fucking wonderful. Also figuring out this year that I probably have ADHD, so navigating that hot mess has been a real sloppy anal blast, too.
Just...fuck a LOT of things.
And rant over.
*smooches, holds her hands*
You know you can always count on me to hear you out, the same way you're always there for me.
The part about commissions and selling your work before building an audience is totally true, you're so correct. That happens all the time, I see artists falling on the trappings of just doing commission work, and then eventually fall off the face of the Earth. Make sure this doesn't happen to you, I encourage you to do the same thing I did at the start of the year, and begin your own set of personal projects.
We can talk about this later if you're available!
And making fiscal goals? That's a challenge regardless an I work a 9 to 5!
An while yes, more fans means possibly more money. Those patreon's don't make as much as these people would like.
Only advice I can offer, is try to find a normal joe shmoe job. An like you mentioned before get a slightly bigger fan base
Then later open a patreon and have it as supplemental income. Unless you've like 6k sub's and they're all above $3 then maybe, strictly art?
And sexuality...this one is not a fun thing to figure. An I wish you patience and clarity as you figure it out. All I can say? You're you
That's all and who you need to be. Your ethnicity really, only translates to your health. One's heritage is much like their sexuality
It helps determine the type of person you are. It doesn't define you. Like one more layer to the cake that makes up yer soul. Y'know?
(I'd say onions but, those make people cry)
Be safe, an if ya need help. I'm with Sedafox. A counselor or even close friends might be a good idea to talk to someone. Help you plan
for your future goals. Might not be EXACTLY as you want it...but, it won't hurt to take those steps forward
you know my DMs are always open if you ever need to vent, I know I've made the offer before. And I'll do all I can to assist you where possible