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Time Flies...But Still Here.
4 years ago
They say when you grow older time goes by faster...and I suppose there is some truth to that feeling. Seems like I had plans and aspirations and then I blinked and here I am, sitting here and realizing five years have passed.
I'm certainly in a different place than I was before...both literally and mentally. Not exactly sure if it's particularly good, perhaps it's balanced.
In March 2016 I lost my father after a long bout with kidney disease, heart disease, diabetes, and two types of cancer...a few months before he died we had a long heart to heart about how he had treated me and my sibling...and we both decided to go forward...live for partial credit and simply do what we could to be better people: it didn't have to be perfect, it just had to be an honest effort. After that happened I made it a goal of mine to get back to the Eastern Time Zone after I had come to terms with everything.
In September 2017 I found out my mom had brain cancer...and I rushed back to do what I could, which was painfully little given my depression and inferiority complex...I wound up being there and talking some of the time, but I felt withdrawn and powerless...lost her in January 2018. I barely had time to grieve when I found out that I was actually coming into a fair sum on money from this, nothing that would make me a millionaire, but it was enough to get the professional mental health help I needed and to actually be able to afford the move back to where I was in the same time zone as my family and most of my friends.
In May of 2018 I started a new position within the company I work for...a Senior Role, where if someone screamed for or politely requested a supervisor, I would be one of the people they would get to talk to. Sometimes it was frustrating or just intimidating, but carried on and took on the role full bore....I was the "Original Dragon", and I was brought in to boost morale and encourage camaraderie. For a good year and a half I did that out west.
Eventually, the loneliness and isolation began to get the better of me...I no one to hang out with except for workmates, and though we would go out for sushi or hit up the Olive Garden on personal time, we still kept things pretty professional and low-key. I didn't really talk about my writing or roleplaying much or my exploration of all the weird stuff out there on the internet (that dragon lady has HOW many boobs? And WHERE?!?). I kept a vast majority of those ideas/explorations to myself and truth be told, I enjoyed discovering both the good, the bad, and the weirdly of Furaffinity for the last decade, and I'll likely keep looking about and appreciate a tasteful nude, a good curse story, and tilt my head sideways as a CTF story or two. Just in the professional world we just don't casually chat about that stuff.
In May of 2019 I was at a crossroads...suicidal thoughts invaded my mind again and I nearly drove out into the desert to end my life...I was halfway to Tucson, Arizona when I found a place where I could just disappear...but my imagination, my characters, and the vibes of the few friends I've managed to make over the years when I didn't think I deserved to even be glanced at...all of those kept me in my car, the air conditioner running in the 116 degree heat....
"It's worth it...you CAN come back..."
The next morning before work I made the call to a moving company and scheduled my exodus out of Arizona...I was going to transfer to the Knoxville, Tennessee office and continue my work...got all the paperwork done, flew a good friend out to my place and we met the movers and loaded up my car and took what would be my second cross-country trip to change my life's path.
Emotionally and mentally it has been amazing...I've been having friends over regularly, not so much with Coronavirus but occasionally I have friends to come by for a good meal and some games...My professional life has made more progress than it had in the last decade and a half, and I was exploring new paths to take within my chosen company.
When the pandemic hit the promotions had to stop and they kept me on Senior Team: their rookies listen to me to learn how to do the job the right way and balance it out with compassion and kindness...I've been teaching others how to be the heroes and encouraging the representatives that call me to take charge and be the hero also. It's been gratifying, and sometimes stressful, but between a revitalization at work and having some semblance of an actual social life, that's been a happier time for me.
October of 2020 is when things got tense...I had discovered a cyst in my groin area that had sprung up practically overnight, and after a trip to urgent care the ministrations they gave me only made it far worse. I went to the emergency room a week later after feeling that the antibiotics and special powder were having an opposite effect...that was on a Friday: I was discharged from the Hospital Monday after they drained the abscess which was about the size of a softball...I spent a week off work and in doctor's appointments. Seven days of missed work later I returned, happy to be back.
November 5th I collapsed while getting ready for work...and crash landed on my groin right where the surgeons had made the incisions...blunt force trauma to a crotch on top of feeling like I was having a heart attack and a stoke all rolled into one. EMT arrived...twice. The first time they told me I was stressed and needed more rest. The second EMT Team noticed my blood pressure was low, and I followed my hunch and took the ambulance ride back to the Emergency Room....and found out that I had a massive blood clot about two inches from my heart...if that broke off again I would have been dead.
Spent three more days in the hospital after an operation to break up the lung clot, and then a team of wound techs told me of the damage to my scrotum, which included a two+ inch deep hole that needed to be packed/flushed regularly...it was in such an awkward place they assigned me home nurse care and I've been basically at home save for doctor visits and grocery runs (allowed to move around and do that maybe 3 times a week to keep on top of the blood clots). I am fighting with short term disability and FMLA to keep my job, but I think I'll be okay with that; I've earned a lot of respect and appreciation at work and people are waiting for me to return, and offering to help fight to keep me.
My mental state has been shaking after the first month of being stuck in "Health Jail", because I start going stir crazy after just a four-day weekend. It's going to be two months as of next week....so I might be out for a total of nine weeks before the nurses allow me to go back...thankfully there have been people over from time to time to keep me from going absolutely nuts. The hospital and medical bills are coming in, and thankfully I have an HSA and some other funds I can work with next months to get myself through the crisis...money will be tight THIS month, however, unless the Disability Insurance people get off their asses and give me the eight weeks of disability I've been asking for.
When I close my eyes and think about it....I am glad to still be alive in this batshit crazy world...I've been through Hell and back, but I am here to write about it. I am glad I fought the dark side of my mind which kept telling me that I wasn't worth anything and I should shut up and suffer in silence...it took many years for me to discuss this with my family without going to pieces, and to get them to understand that depression, inferiority complex, social anxiety, and other emotional/mental issues are real and VALID, and that one just cannot "get over it" and switch it off like a light. I finally earned some degree of understanding from my blood relatives on this, and maybe that's part of why I survived...to let people know what was really going on....and that I could get through it, or at the very least keep that horrible dark part of me at bay.
This has been one Hell of a ramble...but half a decade has passed since I last wrote here.
Life can suck a lot...it can be depressing and horrific...it can feel like there is no way to live it...
....but life can also have its triumphs and joys, and those we cling onto and build from...
And then life....it doesn't seem to be as daunting anymore.
For those who read this: Stay Strong, Be Safe, and Strive For Awesomeness.
-- Murphy
"I am a dragon, and it's tough for ME...I can understand how my friends are struggling."
I'm certainly in a different place than I was before...both literally and mentally. Not exactly sure if it's particularly good, perhaps it's balanced.
In March 2016 I lost my father after a long bout with kidney disease, heart disease, diabetes, and two types of cancer...a few months before he died we had a long heart to heart about how he had treated me and my sibling...and we both decided to go forward...live for partial credit and simply do what we could to be better people: it didn't have to be perfect, it just had to be an honest effort. After that happened I made it a goal of mine to get back to the Eastern Time Zone after I had come to terms with everything.
In September 2017 I found out my mom had brain cancer...and I rushed back to do what I could, which was painfully little given my depression and inferiority complex...I wound up being there and talking some of the time, but I felt withdrawn and powerless...lost her in January 2018. I barely had time to grieve when I found out that I was actually coming into a fair sum on money from this, nothing that would make me a millionaire, but it was enough to get the professional mental health help I needed and to actually be able to afford the move back to where I was in the same time zone as my family and most of my friends.
In May of 2018 I started a new position within the company I work for...a Senior Role, where if someone screamed for or politely requested a supervisor, I would be one of the people they would get to talk to. Sometimes it was frustrating or just intimidating, but carried on and took on the role full bore....I was the "Original Dragon", and I was brought in to boost morale and encourage camaraderie. For a good year and a half I did that out west.
Eventually, the loneliness and isolation began to get the better of me...I no one to hang out with except for workmates, and though we would go out for sushi or hit up the Olive Garden on personal time, we still kept things pretty professional and low-key. I didn't really talk about my writing or roleplaying much or my exploration of all the weird stuff out there on the internet (that dragon lady has HOW many boobs? And WHERE?!?). I kept a vast majority of those ideas/explorations to myself and truth be told, I enjoyed discovering both the good, the bad, and the weirdly of Furaffinity for the last decade, and I'll likely keep looking about and appreciate a tasteful nude, a good curse story, and tilt my head sideways as a CTF story or two. Just in the professional world we just don't casually chat about that stuff.
In May of 2019 I was at a crossroads...suicidal thoughts invaded my mind again and I nearly drove out into the desert to end my life...I was halfway to Tucson, Arizona when I found a place where I could just disappear...but my imagination, my characters, and the vibes of the few friends I've managed to make over the years when I didn't think I deserved to even be glanced at...all of those kept me in my car, the air conditioner running in the 116 degree heat....
"It's worth it...you CAN come back..."
The next morning before work I made the call to a moving company and scheduled my exodus out of Arizona...I was going to transfer to the Knoxville, Tennessee office and continue my work...got all the paperwork done, flew a good friend out to my place and we met the movers and loaded up my car and took what would be my second cross-country trip to change my life's path.
Emotionally and mentally it has been amazing...I've been having friends over regularly, not so much with Coronavirus but occasionally I have friends to come by for a good meal and some games...My professional life has made more progress than it had in the last decade and a half, and I was exploring new paths to take within my chosen company.
When the pandemic hit the promotions had to stop and they kept me on Senior Team: their rookies listen to me to learn how to do the job the right way and balance it out with compassion and kindness...I've been teaching others how to be the heroes and encouraging the representatives that call me to take charge and be the hero also. It's been gratifying, and sometimes stressful, but between a revitalization at work and having some semblance of an actual social life, that's been a happier time for me.
October of 2020 is when things got tense...I had discovered a cyst in my groin area that had sprung up practically overnight, and after a trip to urgent care the ministrations they gave me only made it far worse. I went to the emergency room a week later after feeling that the antibiotics and special powder were having an opposite effect...that was on a Friday: I was discharged from the Hospital Monday after they drained the abscess which was about the size of a softball...I spent a week off work and in doctor's appointments. Seven days of missed work later I returned, happy to be back.
November 5th I collapsed while getting ready for work...and crash landed on my groin right where the surgeons had made the incisions...blunt force trauma to a crotch on top of feeling like I was having a heart attack and a stoke all rolled into one. EMT arrived...twice. The first time they told me I was stressed and needed more rest. The second EMT Team noticed my blood pressure was low, and I followed my hunch and took the ambulance ride back to the Emergency Room....and found out that I had a massive blood clot about two inches from my heart...if that broke off again I would have been dead.
Spent three more days in the hospital after an operation to break up the lung clot, and then a team of wound techs told me of the damage to my scrotum, which included a two+ inch deep hole that needed to be packed/flushed regularly...it was in such an awkward place they assigned me home nurse care and I've been basically at home save for doctor visits and grocery runs (allowed to move around and do that maybe 3 times a week to keep on top of the blood clots). I am fighting with short term disability and FMLA to keep my job, but I think I'll be okay with that; I've earned a lot of respect and appreciation at work and people are waiting for me to return, and offering to help fight to keep me.
My mental state has been shaking after the first month of being stuck in "Health Jail", because I start going stir crazy after just a four-day weekend. It's going to be two months as of next week....so I might be out for a total of nine weeks before the nurses allow me to go back...thankfully there have been people over from time to time to keep me from going absolutely nuts. The hospital and medical bills are coming in, and thankfully I have an HSA and some other funds I can work with next months to get myself through the crisis...money will be tight THIS month, however, unless the Disability Insurance people get off their asses and give me the eight weeks of disability I've been asking for.
When I close my eyes and think about it....I am glad to still be alive in this batshit crazy world...I've been through Hell and back, but I am here to write about it. I am glad I fought the dark side of my mind which kept telling me that I wasn't worth anything and I should shut up and suffer in silence...it took many years for me to discuss this with my family without going to pieces, and to get them to understand that depression, inferiority complex, social anxiety, and other emotional/mental issues are real and VALID, and that one just cannot "get over it" and switch it off like a light. I finally earned some degree of understanding from my blood relatives on this, and maybe that's part of why I survived...to let people know what was really going on....and that I could get through it, or at the very least keep that horrible dark part of me at bay.
This has been one Hell of a ramble...but half a decade has passed since I last wrote here.
Life can suck a lot...it can be depressing and horrific...it can feel like there is no way to live it...
....but life can also have its triumphs and joys, and those we cling onto and build from...
And then life....it doesn't seem to be as daunting anymore.
For those who read this: Stay Strong, Be Safe, and Strive For Awesomeness.
-- Murphy
"I am a dragon, and it's tough for ME...I can understand how my friends are struggling."
That is quite the extensive journal. I don't mean it's long, more that it covers so much time, and so many major events.
This thing puts other journals that are just about the events of one day or one weekend, to shame! O:
I'm glad you're still around. Just as we said last time, we don't really know each other at all, but it seems you've got quite a compelling life story, in addition to the stories I'm sure are brewing in your imagination.
One story that popped into my head recently was an animal rescue that turned into something far more than either the rescuer or the rescued had bargained for.
Rescuer wishes for magic to be a force in the world around him, even if it's just one thing.
Rescued wishes to be safe, and to keep others safe...to help, though they don't understand those thoughts completely because started as an animal.
Something Explainable Happens, and rescued needs to learn how to be a sentient person....Rescurer needs to step up and keep this new lifeform safe, and be supportive.
Holiday Miracles are Complicated. :-3