FA+
Shop
Bah, Humbug!
5 years ago
General
In eternity, where there is no time, nothing can grow. Nothing can become. Nothing changes. So death created time to grow the things that it would kill and you are reborn but into the same life that you've always been born into.
So it's that time of the year again. These past few years, Christmas has brought/provoked some reflection on my end. This year has been particularly bitter, but this Christmas hasn't really been an isolated issue either.
I enjoy perusing stories and such that I read, heard, watched, etc. when I was younger and finding deeper themes within it. One such story that has been coming to mind the past couple of years is the Charles Dickens classic "A Christmas Carol", which is what actually largely brought the holiday to the forefront of peoples' attention. Before that, it was considered a holiday, but wasn't celebrated even remotely the same way it is now. Of course the subject of the story is the cynical curmudgeon, Ebenezer Scrooge, and the basic theme of the play is "Treat others with some level of decency and respect, asshole!"
However, on reflection, I've come to realize that Dickens' classic is really very insightful and the underlying themes also involve empathy, and how much harm bitterness can cause. See, Dickens actually went out of his way to make it clear that Scrooge's outright hatred of Christmas didn't happen in a vacuum. He has genuine reasons to want to disregard Christmas. The same things it means to most everyone else are the same things that gradually alienated Scrooge, hurt him, and made him bitter. Seemingly the one thing he does cherish is money, but that's not exactly so, is it? He hoards money, yes, he's referred to bluntly as a "miser". He covets wealth, but it's noted that he doesn't overindulge on spending by any means. He has learned how much money really seems to matter, and he knows that people need it. A lot of it.
As far as close relations and friendships, Scrooge has none. Jacob Marley seemed to be the last true friend Scrooge had as of the beginning of the story, and he had been dead for some time by that point. In fact, that friendship is what provokes Marley's visitation. Scrooge is given an intervention, and like many interventions, he has to confront traumatic incidents in his past to reconcile destructive behavior in the present. And that's kind of what hits me about this story, it's how much damage trauma can noticeably cause, how far back the trauma can go, and how unfortunately, for most people, it's not reconciled as quickly and neatly as it is for Scrooge.
I've been thinking about Scrooge and his disposition a lot lately. I realized this year that it's actually a rare year that I sincerely enjoy Christmas. It's gotten to be a time of the year when I'm forced to spend time with people I barely tolerate, and it's actually gotten worse than that. I had to work today (Christmas day), after having four straight days off with two of those days being paid vacation days. I don't plan on taking anymore PTO unless I'm going somewhere away from my family, or I'm sick. I'm also not sure that I want to celebrate or acknowledge Christmas anymore either.
Some of you may recall the journal I posted at the end of October, concerning my dumb cunt brother and his dumb cunt wife. They went at it again on Christmas Eve, and it got pretty fucking bad, and it's clear that both the cunts are actively provoking each other. Them having a baby has really hammered home to me how cruel the existence of a God really is. He/She/It may not be actively malicious, but It's also not benevolent or caring. You can't tell me that a baby born to someone like my brother is a miracle. But my distaste isn't even about the kid, it's that my brother has and continues to shit all over every bit of goodwill he's been given, AND HE'S REWARDED FOR IT. It's been that way since we were little, and he's learned to expect to be given whatever he wants.
I've been working off and on on writing a letter effectively disowning my brother. Every time I make some headway with it, something else happens and I just sit here and think "How can I even include what's just happened this week? Should I even bother tallying the score anymore?" I'm just dumbfounded at all of it. I'm making tentative plans to leave and put as much distance between me and my family as reasonably possible. I have some plans, I intend to get some certifications, learn some shit, and apply it so that I can get a foot in the door where ever I'd like to go. And I don't want to be bothered with unannounced guests.
I don't think I much care to celebrate Christmas again for the foreseeable future. The campy holiday "message" clearly doesn't hold water, and maybe Scrooge wasn't completely in the wrong to react to the holiday in the way that he did. Nobody cares about you unless they have a use for you, and you're likewise tethered to others when you have a use for them. I'm going to work on that.
With all that being said, though, I hope everyone else is having a great Christmas and/or whatever other holidays you observe.
I enjoy perusing stories and such that I read, heard, watched, etc. when I was younger and finding deeper themes within it. One such story that has been coming to mind the past couple of years is the Charles Dickens classic "A Christmas Carol", which is what actually largely brought the holiday to the forefront of peoples' attention. Before that, it was considered a holiday, but wasn't celebrated even remotely the same way it is now. Of course the subject of the story is the cynical curmudgeon, Ebenezer Scrooge, and the basic theme of the play is "Treat others with some level of decency and respect, asshole!"
However, on reflection, I've come to realize that Dickens' classic is really very insightful and the underlying themes also involve empathy, and how much harm bitterness can cause. See, Dickens actually went out of his way to make it clear that Scrooge's outright hatred of Christmas didn't happen in a vacuum. He has genuine reasons to want to disregard Christmas. The same things it means to most everyone else are the same things that gradually alienated Scrooge, hurt him, and made him bitter. Seemingly the one thing he does cherish is money, but that's not exactly so, is it? He hoards money, yes, he's referred to bluntly as a "miser". He covets wealth, but it's noted that he doesn't overindulge on spending by any means. He has learned how much money really seems to matter, and he knows that people need it. A lot of it.
As far as close relations and friendships, Scrooge has none. Jacob Marley seemed to be the last true friend Scrooge had as of the beginning of the story, and he had been dead for some time by that point. In fact, that friendship is what provokes Marley's visitation. Scrooge is given an intervention, and like many interventions, he has to confront traumatic incidents in his past to reconcile destructive behavior in the present. And that's kind of what hits me about this story, it's how much damage trauma can noticeably cause, how far back the trauma can go, and how unfortunately, for most people, it's not reconciled as quickly and neatly as it is for Scrooge.
I've been thinking about Scrooge and his disposition a lot lately. I realized this year that it's actually a rare year that I sincerely enjoy Christmas. It's gotten to be a time of the year when I'm forced to spend time with people I barely tolerate, and it's actually gotten worse than that. I had to work today (Christmas day), after having four straight days off with two of those days being paid vacation days. I don't plan on taking anymore PTO unless I'm going somewhere away from my family, or I'm sick. I'm also not sure that I want to celebrate or acknowledge Christmas anymore either.
Some of you may recall the journal I posted at the end of October, concerning my dumb cunt brother and his dumb cunt wife. They went at it again on Christmas Eve, and it got pretty fucking bad, and it's clear that both the cunts are actively provoking each other. Them having a baby has really hammered home to me how cruel the existence of a God really is. He/She/It may not be actively malicious, but It's also not benevolent or caring. You can't tell me that a baby born to someone like my brother is a miracle. But my distaste isn't even about the kid, it's that my brother has and continues to shit all over every bit of goodwill he's been given, AND HE'S REWARDED FOR IT. It's been that way since we were little, and he's learned to expect to be given whatever he wants.
I've been working off and on on writing a letter effectively disowning my brother. Every time I make some headway with it, something else happens and I just sit here and think "How can I even include what's just happened this week? Should I even bother tallying the score anymore?" I'm just dumbfounded at all of it. I'm making tentative plans to leave and put as much distance between me and my family as reasonably possible. I have some plans, I intend to get some certifications, learn some shit, and apply it so that I can get a foot in the door where ever I'd like to go. And I don't want to be bothered with unannounced guests.
I don't think I much care to celebrate Christmas again for the foreseeable future. The campy holiday "message" clearly doesn't hold water, and maybe Scrooge wasn't completely in the wrong to react to the holiday in the way that he did. Nobody cares about you unless they have a use for you, and you're likewise tethered to others when you have a use for them. I'm going to work on that.
With all that being said, though, I hope everyone else is having a great Christmas and/or whatever other holidays you observe.
I'm currently trying to crunch my numbers and find out what I need to do to move away and put some distance between me and them. But I've made it clear I want nothing to do with my brother, his wife, or their kids after that point. I've also told our family that I won't be going to their wedding ceremony (they went to a courthouse to get married and now they want a big ceremony with all the friends and family). Another issue with this is that I could legit get in serious trouble at work (I work in food services at a hospital) for going to large gatherings with COVID19 still running rampant.
I appreciate your words. I'm trying really hard to not become overly bitter, but I'm reaching a point where something's about to give.