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Vent: This fandom gives me massive anxiety
5 years ago
Don't get me wrong, I really do love being a furry. I love getting art of my characters, I love expressing myself through my characters, I've even made and worn fursuits ffs. But, for many reasons, this fandom/website is mentally and emotionally taxing for me to be apart of.
To give you a bit of perspective, from the time I was 17 to 18, I was taken advantage of and manipulated by two people with porn/sex addictions, one of which was a furry and a zoophile. The furry had lied to me about many things (he was 21 when he said he was 19. He only told me after I agreed to date him. I was still a minor at the time. He also had said he was straight when he was actually bi, which made me feel special AF when he started coming on to me, but in retrospect, it seems like more of a tactic he would use to manipulate people), he had taken advantage of me sexually (not irl atleast) as well as people I knew who were even younger than I was. I'd have to walk on eggshells cuz the slightest misstep would lead to him cursing me out. He really made me feel like I was the crazy one. It also turned out that he had done unforgivable things to his dog a few years prior. The other person was like a diet furry, sort of apart of the fandom but sorta not as well. But yeah she had also manipulated me. She harassed me sexually and would sext with someone she knew I had a crush and then send me screenshots just to make me jealous. She would go after anyone and everyone and then brag to me about how many nudes she received that week. One time she bragged that she got nudes from someone we both knew was 12 or 13 at the time (Atleast she was 16 at the time, but even then, that's seriously fucked up) Not only that, but it's become not too surprising to me whenever a friend tells me about an experience where they were taken advantage of by other furries. Everytime I hear about some new incident of someone getting abused or any sort of drama, I get a knot in my stomach.
With all of that being a big part of my life for about a year (late 2017 to late 2018) I started growing more and more distressed by the fandom. I recognize that most of my issue is due to the anxiety I had developed from the trauma I had experienced, but it still carries over to this day. I get anxiety when interacting with new furries, I get anxiety when I hear a new story about someone being abused by furries, I get anxiety when seeing lewd stuff of someone I'm familiar with. And I know this sounds ridiculous but I still get panic attacks whenever I see my ex's sona, especially when it's lewd content (not the asshole zoophile guy, I'm talking about the person I dated after him). I want to make it clear that I totally understand that expressing your sexuality through the fandom doesn't in anyway make you a manipulative person, I even have some lewd of my bird. I totally understand that expressing your sexuality is not correlated whatsoever to whether or not you are more inclined to take advantage of someone. It's just that, due to my trauma, it's hard for me to always be vigilant about that understanding (It also doesn't help that this fandom still definitely has a grooming problem). I'll see something that will provoke my anxiety and it'll start to cloud up my mind and I won't be able to think rationally. It often snowballs until I get a full on anxiety attack.
But I really want for things to change. I really want to get rid of all this anxiety, or atleast make it manageable. At this point, I can hardly talk to new furries without my fight or flight response kicking in. I don't want for that to be the case anymore cuz I'm absolutely sure that there have been some really awesome furries who I missed out on the opportunity to get to know due to my anxiety. However, I know that I need to come to terms with the fact that, if I want to have a healthy social life again, I will encounter both good and bad people. Currently, the notion of meeting another bad person is way more terrifying than it really should be.
Before I can really start rejoining the community and meeting new people, I need to get help. I need to start therapy again, I need to get back on my medication, I need to take better care of myself. Cuz at this point, my anxiety is affecting so many other facets of my life, not just my furry side. I get anxiety when I get DMs from someone who I dont know on discord (literally anyone, not just furries), I shiver uncontrollably when I just want to look at fuckin furry porn, and for the past two years, I've just felt like a social shut in. There have been times where the loneliness gets to be too much to deal with. I've tried to make friends, I'm really not all that shy. But making friends is tough when you can't trust yourself to think rationally.
But yeah, whoever read all this is a fucking champ and I thank you so much for hearing me out. I hope this gives more context to my previous journal. Take care.
To give you a bit of perspective, from the time I was 17 to 18, I was taken advantage of and manipulated by two people with porn/sex addictions, one of which was a furry and a zoophile. The furry had lied to me about many things (he was 21 when he said he was 19. He only told me after I agreed to date him. I was still a minor at the time. He also had said he was straight when he was actually bi, which made me feel special AF when he started coming on to me, but in retrospect, it seems like more of a tactic he would use to manipulate people), he had taken advantage of me sexually (not irl atleast) as well as people I knew who were even younger than I was. I'd have to walk on eggshells cuz the slightest misstep would lead to him cursing me out. He really made me feel like I was the crazy one. It also turned out that he had done unforgivable things to his dog a few years prior. The other person was like a diet furry, sort of apart of the fandom but sorta not as well. But yeah she had also manipulated me. She harassed me sexually and would sext with someone she knew I had a crush and then send me screenshots just to make me jealous. She would go after anyone and everyone and then brag to me about how many nudes she received that week. One time she bragged that she got nudes from someone we both knew was 12 or 13 at the time (Atleast she was 16 at the time, but even then, that's seriously fucked up) Not only that, but it's become not too surprising to me whenever a friend tells me about an experience where they were taken advantage of by other furries. Everytime I hear about some new incident of someone getting abused or any sort of drama, I get a knot in my stomach.
With all of that being a big part of my life for about a year (late 2017 to late 2018) I started growing more and more distressed by the fandom. I recognize that most of my issue is due to the anxiety I had developed from the trauma I had experienced, but it still carries over to this day. I get anxiety when interacting with new furries, I get anxiety when I hear a new story about someone being abused by furries, I get anxiety when seeing lewd stuff of someone I'm familiar with. And I know this sounds ridiculous but I still get panic attacks whenever I see my ex's sona, especially when it's lewd content (not the asshole zoophile guy, I'm talking about the person I dated after him). I want to make it clear that I totally understand that expressing your sexuality through the fandom doesn't in anyway make you a manipulative person, I even have some lewd of my bird. I totally understand that expressing your sexuality is not correlated whatsoever to whether or not you are more inclined to take advantage of someone. It's just that, due to my trauma, it's hard for me to always be vigilant about that understanding (It also doesn't help that this fandom still definitely has a grooming problem). I'll see something that will provoke my anxiety and it'll start to cloud up my mind and I won't be able to think rationally. It often snowballs until I get a full on anxiety attack.
But I really want for things to change. I really want to get rid of all this anxiety, or atleast make it manageable. At this point, I can hardly talk to new furries without my fight or flight response kicking in. I don't want for that to be the case anymore cuz I'm absolutely sure that there have been some really awesome furries who I missed out on the opportunity to get to know due to my anxiety. However, I know that I need to come to terms with the fact that, if I want to have a healthy social life again, I will encounter both good and bad people. Currently, the notion of meeting another bad person is way more terrifying than it really should be.
Before I can really start rejoining the community and meeting new people, I need to get help. I need to start therapy again, I need to get back on my medication, I need to take better care of myself. Cuz at this point, my anxiety is affecting so many other facets of my life, not just my furry side. I get anxiety when I get DMs from someone who I dont know on discord (literally anyone, not just furries), I shiver uncontrollably when I just want to look at fuckin furry porn, and for the past two years, I've just felt like a social shut in. There have been times where the loneliness gets to be too much to deal with. I've tried to make friends, I'm really not all that shy. But making friends is tough when you can't trust yourself to think rationally.
But yeah, whoever read all this is a fucking champ and I thank you so much for hearing me out. I hope this gives more context to my previous journal. Take care.
Froo
~froo
Just remember that your friends are there for you. And if you don't have those close friends yet, you have to step outside the comfort box to find them. I'll always be here for when you want to open up. <3
