To open, when I talk about my past it's usually an anecdote or reference but I rarely go into much detail. I feel like I need to vent, though, and as my FB is full of family I can't write this on there or any other social media. I doubt my family would look at this site for me so....this is where it goes. This is going to be a bit long and nobody has to read it.

The holidays as well as the last few months have been particularly bad for me. This has nothing to do with Covid or the election, everyone is tired of those topics so I will assure anyone reading this now that they have no bearing on the following.

So, to understand why I'm having an issue now you have to understand where I come from. I was born in NJ, I have three older siblings and I had two younger siblings. I say had because my youngest brother committed suicide ~11 years ago, not important to this story but so anybody understands why I might refer to him in the past tense. Anyway, our family wasn't particularly wealthy but the house I was born into was decently large. My dad is a Viet-Nam vet and he suffers from very bad PTSD, my mother has multiple undiagnosed mental health issues. (You'll probably understand if you continue reading) My dad developed a very bad drinking problem, and he would get into fights with my mom, physical ones. I was told he also hit my older sister (B for convenience) but I don't remember ever seeing this. My mother claims he used to beat us as well but...even though I try my hardest I can't remember him doing anything other than spank me with his hand a few times when I was bad....and one time he washed my mouth out with soap for refusing to stop using cuss words. My mom on the other hand, I remember being beaten severely any time she was in a bad mood.

I will give a few examples so, trigger warning: Slapping my face multiple times (I was told I must keep my hands down) beating me with a wooden mixing spoon until it broke, she had this gnarled old hairbrush the dog chewed on she would hit us with (it had little spiky bits where the dog chewed it so it would leave cuts as well as bruises) she used one of dad's belts (sometimes using the buckle-end) and one time I remember her being mad that I hadn't mopped the floor well, it was still wet and messy (I was 7 or so) and she grabbed me to use my shirt to dry off the floor and then threw me across the kitchen into an old rusty bar-stool. I sorta hit the stool sideways and a jagged piece of metal took a little chunk out of my calf, I still have the scar.

She was also mentally and emotionally abusive. I won't give examples but the part of that which is important here is every Christmas and New Year she would throw a huge tantrum. She told us we ruined her life, how she wished we were never born, ect. She also smashed the tree, gifts, threw things, and generally made the holidays crap.
My parents split when I was around 11 I think and my mom got way worse. I would find out later that she lied about allot of stuff, including during my little brother's funeral claiming my dad was a pedo and that was why my little bro committed suicide. This is the kind of thing she does.

I can say that she has gotten better but considering how bad she was when I was little any positive change is a big step.

So, to a more recent year. She took me in about 9ish years ago, trust me I very much appreciated it, and I had a pretty rough time for a while. (Actually this was about the time I found the fandom so, YAY!) Struggling to find a good job and improve myself. The goal since moving out of NJ, because it is way too expensive to go it alone there, was to move to the country, get a good job, and find someplace where I could afford to live alone for the first time in my life.

About 5.5 years ago I landed a job at the gas station and I started making decent money. But the house we were living in was in bad shape and my mom and I discussed where to go. We, which is to say I, started looking for something else. We couldn't buy because my credit was trash and we had no money...and I admit I was not frugal or careful with my funds. A little over two years ago I found a large house for sale, mostly due to my mother vetoing anything smaller than a three bedroom, and we negotiated a rent-to-buy agreement with the landlord.

At the time it was a good idea, it solved our problems...for a while. However shortly after buying the house I began to shoulder more and more of the load of the house onto myself. Me chipping into the bills became me paying all of them solo. I wash most of the dishes, I clean the house or it generally doesn't get cleaned, I pay for all of the repairs, I have to come up with the property taxes. I even spent the last 2 years paying off ~$5,000 of my mom's debt. (there were multiple sources: gas, water, electric, car loan, among others)

After this last year I have been suffering from panic and anxiety attacks from stress struggling to keep the house, work stress, never having enough money, my mom's....issues. (I don't know what to call it) And to top it all off I couldn't go anywhere because of current world events.

I realized a few things in the last months:

I'm not happy.
My mother is manipulating and using me again, I have not had a truly good holiday season in years.
I sacrificed my happiness and my goal of living alone because I felt....I don't know. I felt like I owed her something? I felt sorry for her? I felt responsible for her? Maybe a little bit of all three?

I realized that I have been pushing away my life in order to pay for a house I can't afford, with needed repair I can't pay for, with a person that uses me and knowingly manipulates my empathic nature to get me to do what's best for her, even if that thing would hurt me.

And I know she isn't a monster, she's my mom...I still love her. But I came to the decision that I can't keep this up. It isn't possible for me to continue this way.

So a few months ago I started house shopping. Long story short (too late XD ) I found a house I liked. It's small, and not much to look at, but it's nice and cozy and just enough for me and my pupper.
I am about two weeks away from closing on the house.

My eldest sister (L for this instance) is pissed at me for moving out, claiming I am hurting mom. We aren't talking anymore. This has destroyed my holiday this year, despite enjoying my time at B's house for Christmas I still had to go through the mom tantrums and my sister L getting progressively colder. My older brother (S) isn't taking sides but from what I've gathered from other family he isn't happy with me either. (though I find that a bit hypocritical as he hasn't spoken to my mother in DECADES)

This last year, particularly the last few months, haven't been fun for me personally. And that isn't even including the social unrest, disease, and general shit show 2020 was!

I am determined though. This is happening. I'm moving out. I've already made it clear to my mom that I'm not doing this out of spite. I don't WANT to hurt anyone. But this decision is something I didn't make lightly. I have been agonizing over it for a very long time. I lost half my family over this, my mom says she understand but still does her tantrum thing and I can't tell if she is being manipulative or she is genuinely upset...I mean, probably both.

I can't take it back though, and I'm not sure I would if I could. I'm rambling. I'm just so tired. My heart is sore. I need to get away from this toxic situation.

If you've read this far, thanks...I don't really need advice or anything. I just needed to get this down somewhere....I'm not sure if I actually want this to be seen. Part of me does but part of me is afraid my sister is right and I'm being a piece of garbage.

If you have questions you can ask them. I don't mind.