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4 years ago
Hi guys!
I wanted to say some things...
First off, to all my new watchers, who didn't notice the pattern yet... I tend to disappear for prolonged periods of time. It simply means that I'm feeling worse, please bear with me, it's how it's been since ever with me and with the diagnosis I have I know it's not going to change ever. I have several health issues that make my life hell.
First are migraines that can last up to a week. Nothing can stop the pain but some serious painkillers that have me simply stoned in the meantime and I'm not able to do anything reasonable anyway. And even those painkillers aren't always enough, so I basically am unable to crawl out of bed for weeks at a time sometimes.
This, as you can imagine, with extreme lack of activity leads to muscle weakening and it's a killer combine with my croocked spine and the osteophite, which is basically a patological bone growth that grows into my spinal cord. The doctor said it's not really possible to do much about it surgically, so I REALLY try not to strain my back, not to make it worse than it is, so that it doesn't just tear my spinal cord in half and in the place it is in, being paralysed chest down is the least of my concerns in such a case. Besides straining it hurts :/
Third of my issues is severe depression I've been battling since I was a teenager. You can imagine, that inability to leave your bed is a great feed for mental issues.
And fourth, one I never really felt like talking about due to it's orginin's nature is my DID. Yup. There's not one Rufciu, but 5 actually. The problem is, not every personality of mine is capable of running this account, or even drawing. And that's also a big reason why I disappear. It's because I disappear. There's someone else living my life, my body. Only after I resurface (or any of the other personalities, that can draw) I am able to continue the work. That's why there's this point in my ToS about very long time completion and my inability to draw for as long as months. That's also why I don't keep any friendships really. I know my friends, but my other personalities just don't. And I don't know their friends, but come on... who would want to really keep contact with somebody who disappears for months every now and then. And it's like a really long time. Like, one of my personalities was last seen in autumn 2019. It's over a year, since they disappeared and never appeared again. I bet all of their friends think they just are mad at them or something, but I can't really even tell them that, because I just don't know the people, or places on the net where they meet them. Also, it's not really the most comfortable topic for discussion, let alone a friendship starter: "Hi, I've been abused and molested as a kid to the point my personality malformed and there's in fact a whole bunch of me. I don't know how about others and if they won't hate you, but I like you, so wanna be friends? :)" Just... no ಠ_ಠ So yeah... I never really talk about it, but I feel like the pressure here escalates and I just want you to understand what's going on. Also, please, don't pity me, I don't want pity. I'm coping just fine and I live my life as it is, having a lot of happy moments. I'm saying that just for the informative purposes.
This all said, let's move on to the more important issues...
I've been feeling a bit better lately, it correlated with my most competent and sociable personality being on, so naturally I've been more active, tried streaming and stuff. Here's the conclusion: I'm still unable to stream. It's just very inefficient way of working for me. Anyone who's ever been at my stream knows that the first half an hour or even an hour is just spent on talking, setting up commissions and organisation. It's time I need to be by my PC, sitting up, which is a very limited privilage for me :/ I could spend this precious time drawing and discuss the details on my mobile via Discord, mail or notes here, while in bed, or wherever, supported by a pile of pillows. This is the optimal solution for me, to be able to finally finish all the pending commissions and be able to accept new ones. So sorry guys, no more streams. I will have to finish all the sketch commissions you were hoping for off stream and I can accept a few more atm, but no streaming of them.
Perhaps I could stream the creation process of some of my works if I feel good enough, but I wouldn't be able to indulge in much chatter. Please let me know if such a solution would satisfy you in any measure.
And lastly a lot of love for all of those, who stand by me, despite my issues <3 You all are very precious to me and you have my gratitude for that!
I wanted to say some things...
First off, to all my new watchers, who didn't notice the pattern yet... I tend to disappear for prolonged periods of time. It simply means that I'm feeling worse, please bear with me, it's how it's been since ever with me and with the diagnosis I have I know it's not going to change ever. I have several health issues that make my life hell.
First are migraines that can last up to a week. Nothing can stop the pain but some serious painkillers that have me simply stoned in the meantime and I'm not able to do anything reasonable anyway. And even those painkillers aren't always enough, so I basically am unable to crawl out of bed for weeks at a time sometimes.
This, as you can imagine, with extreme lack of activity leads to muscle weakening and it's a killer combine with my croocked spine and the osteophite, which is basically a patological bone growth that grows into my spinal cord. The doctor said it's not really possible to do much about it surgically, so I REALLY try not to strain my back, not to make it worse than it is, so that it doesn't just tear my spinal cord in half and in the place it is in, being paralysed chest down is the least of my concerns in such a case. Besides straining it hurts :/
Third of my issues is severe depression I've been battling since I was a teenager. You can imagine, that inability to leave your bed is a great feed for mental issues.
And fourth, one I never really felt like talking about due to it's orginin's nature is my DID. Yup. There's not one Rufciu, but 5 actually. The problem is, not every personality of mine is capable of running this account, or even drawing. And that's also a big reason why I disappear. It's because I disappear. There's someone else living my life, my body. Only after I resurface (or any of the other personalities, that can draw) I am able to continue the work. That's why there's this point in my ToS about very long time completion and my inability to draw for as long as months. That's also why I don't keep any friendships really. I know my friends, but my other personalities just don't. And I don't know their friends, but come on... who would want to really keep contact with somebody who disappears for months every now and then. And it's like a really long time. Like, one of my personalities was last seen in autumn 2019. It's over a year, since they disappeared and never appeared again. I bet all of their friends think they just are mad at them or something, but I can't really even tell them that, because I just don't know the people, or places on the net where they meet them. Also, it's not really the most comfortable topic for discussion, let alone a friendship starter: "Hi, I've been abused and molested as a kid to the point my personality malformed and there's in fact a whole bunch of me. I don't know how about others and if they won't hate you, but I like you, so wanna be friends? :)" Just... no ಠ_ಠ So yeah... I never really talk about it, but I feel like the pressure here escalates and I just want you to understand what's going on. Also, please, don't pity me, I don't want pity. I'm coping just fine and I live my life as it is, having a lot of happy moments. I'm saying that just for the informative purposes.
This all said, let's move on to the more important issues...
I've been feeling a bit better lately, it correlated with my most competent and sociable personality being on, so naturally I've been more active, tried streaming and stuff. Here's the conclusion: I'm still unable to stream. It's just very inefficient way of working for me. Anyone who's ever been at my stream knows that the first half an hour or even an hour is just spent on talking, setting up commissions and organisation. It's time I need to be by my PC, sitting up, which is a very limited privilage for me :/ I could spend this precious time drawing and discuss the details on my mobile via Discord, mail or notes here, while in bed, or wherever, supported by a pile of pillows. This is the optimal solution for me, to be able to finally finish all the pending commissions and be able to accept new ones. So sorry guys, no more streams. I will have to finish all the sketch commissions you were hoping for off stream and I can accept a few more atm, but no streaming of them.
Perhaps I could stream the creation process of some of my works if I feel good enough, but I wouldn't be able to indulge in much chatter. Please let me know if such a solution would satisfy you in any measure.
And lastly a lot of love for all of those, who stand by me, despite my issues <3 You all are very precious to me and you have my gratitude for that!
The wrong one has read the mail.
This is not meant maliciously, but purely rational. An explanation because I have long wondered why there was no response.
But I agree with Haflinger, sounds like a plan.
Sending love & virtual hugs.