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Too Much On The Plate
5 years ago
General
Hey guys. Sorry that I have been inactive...again...and as usual. I wanna draw, I really do, but I basically have too much on my mind. I'll break it down for you.
And I think that about covers it. All of that is the reason why I have not been drawing and such lately. I am really trying to readjust things so I can get back into the swing of things I once was before. As well as be more happy, self-loving, self-confident, more motivated, etc. But again...I am very sorry guys. It's just....been really hard lately. :(
TL;DRMy job has been a massive hassle. Family situations have not gotten better, mostly with my older sister. Been struggling with dark emotions that I cannot stand, nor did I ask for, as well as deal with self-hate. I am trying to draw new things, such as Anime Characters/Human Characters, but it's been really hard.My JobSo, I basically work as a Stocker at a small grocery store. I get paid well, but to...maybe somewhat of a brutal or damaging cost. Basically, when I go to work, I have to wake up at 4 AM to go to work at 5 AM. Stay until 9 AM or 2 PM. And I am at work almost every day. I only have 1 or 2 days off, and I barely have time for myself. For I always come back home from work, either dead tired, or very frustrated. Sometimes I am a people person, but because of my job, most of the times, I'm not.My boss is mostly upbeat with everyone else, but is never upbeat with me. He's always strict on me with bizarre and impossible expectations. And since I am a seasonal associate, I try everything in my human abilities to reach his expectations. I have even gone as far as to neglect my spiritual, mental, emotional, and physical health and wellbeing just to work hard and keep my job. And before the owner moved to Germany, he was a sexist, and he had that vibe that intimidated me. He seemed like a nice guy, and dresses very nicely, but I always saw him as the owner who was a force to be reckon with.At work, I feel overworked, underappreciated, and I may seem happy sometimes, but on the inside, I am not okay. I always worry about the day where I either get let go, or stay. If I stay, wonderful. Then I'll be able to achieve my goals. However, if I do get let go, that'll also be the day where I abandon retail jobs. I can't do it anymore. I just don't feel it is healthy for me. so I'm better off at looking for Photography Jobs.Family IssuesMy older sister basically treats me with negativity often, and it's wearing on me. She usually judges me, the way I am, and the life I live (sometimes on that part.) And my parents, (mainly my dad) has said that he doesn't favor me or my sister, he loves us the same, but when my older sister says whatever to me that annoys me, upsets me, or whatever, no one says anything. But when I say something about it, or I call it out, I'm always in the wrong. Eventually, I decided to just cut her out of my life. I don't bother talking to her or anything. But I still don't know why I give her attention from time to time. I wanna stop doing that. But that has been driving me insane. Her horrible attitude that makes her seem immature and such. And the past and previous family drama I had that were barbaric and such, I've mostly been isolating myself from my family, or when I do come out of my room, I always have this sick feeling that even when I say or do a simple thing, someone gets upset at me for it, knowing that I haven't done anything wrong.My dad says to just be myself, but when I do, someone has a problem or I get judged by my older sister for it. So I'm always scared, uncomfortable, or whatever, to be myself outside of my room. I always feel like someone has a problem.Inner TurmoilI have been struggling with anxiety, depression, frustrations, suicidal thoughts/feelings, stress, self-hate, self-doubt, etc. I've been having nightmares often, and I have nonsuicidal self-harm scars, due to these dark emotions being overwhelming when things get out of control. I have forgotten how to love myself, and Idk how to love myself again. I'm trying to figure out on where to start, and how as well, but because of these dark emotions, and all of what is happening, it's like trying to find a needle in a haystack. And a very small needle in a huge haystack.OtherI've been trying to draw new things, mainly human anime characters, but I suck at drawing anime, let alone humans. But I try and try, and when I start drawing, whether it's Furry-related or Anime-related, my energy and desire to keep going or do it, either slowly, or quickly deteriorate. Like as if I hit a tall sturdy wall, and I get stuck as I struggle to find my way around it, and it's been getting on my nerves as I get frustrated with that and myself included.And I think that about covers it. All of that is the reason why I have not been drawing and such lately. I am really trying to readjust things so I can get back into the swing of things I once was before. As well as be more happy, self-loving, self-confident, more motivated, etc. But again...I am very sorry guys. It's just....been really hard lately. :(
