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Just don't think
4 years ago
So i lost another family member, this time it was my mother, it's a third family member i have lost in half a year.
I and my mother had a very bad relationships as she had a drinking problems, hell i wished her death many times for that but now when she is gone i feel guilt, i knew i couldn't help her as alcoholism isn't a very easy problem to deal with but i still feel that stupid guilt. Maybe i should have just chain her to a radiator at house and not let her out to drink that poison, but that sound way too illegal. This was also the first time i saw death corpses, as when she died the police officer told me to identify her, that was so awful that i later on had nightmares about this.
I also had to do all the funeral preparations all alone, as many remaining family members had their own problems to deal with. It was two weeks of pure hell for me, i had to run around the town to collect needed documents and i even had to rage at the goverment official to get papers i desperetly needed. I think it was the first time in my live my split of personality have united, my evil Krist part was like a fury beast trying to get all the needed paper work done no metter what and my good Aizik part was trying to make sure that the funeral would look as good and nice as much as it could be, and even tho i was the only person at the funeral i still felt a bit nice that i did all that i could to make it look nice and bury here with some respect.
Now when it's all done i'm trying to get back to my drawings, but it's hard to do, I and mom lived in one room and now it's empty, i actually really wanted my whole life to get my own room when i could do all i want without being looked by anyone... now i have a room i wanted... but it's doesn't feel that good as i hoped, it's quiet... too quiet, I guess it's very true that we learn the truth value of thing only when we lost them.
I was thinking about it and you know what? I'm very happy none of my imaginary friends are real, if they were real that would mean i could loose them and if i would loose Aizik i think it would be the end of my life, so it's good he isn't real, he will die with me at the sametime, same day, same year, like in a fairy tale.
Anyway thats all i wanted to say... i just needed to write it to make myself feel a bit better, we all going to die so there no reasson to cry too much, i will try just not to think about it, thats a good way to deal with problems, just don't think and everything will be fine.
I and my mother had a very bad relationships as she had a drinking problems, hell i wished her death many times for that but now when she is gone i feel guilt, i knew i couldn't help her as alcoholism isn't a very easy problem to deal with but i still feel that stupid guilt. Maybe i should have just chain her to a radiator at house and not let her out to drink that poison, but that sound way too illegal. This was also the first time i saw death corpses, as when she died the police officer told me to identify her, that was so awful that i later on had nightmares about this.
I also had to do all the funeral preparations all alone, as many remaining family members had their own problems to deal with. It was two weeks of pure hell for me, i had to run around the town to collect needed documents and i even had to rage at the goverment official to get papers i desperetly needed. I think it was the first time in my live my split of personality have united, my evil Krist part was like a fury beast trying to get all the needed paper work done no metter what and my good Aizik part was trying to make sure that the funeral would look as good and nice as much as it could be, and even tho i was the only person at the funeral i still felt a bit nice that i did all that i could to make it look nice and bury here with some respect.
Now when it's all done i'm trying to get back to my drawings, but it's hard to do, I and mom lived in one room and now it's empty, i actually really wanted my whole life to get my own room when i could do all i want without being looked by anyone... now i have a room i wanted... but it's doesn't feel that good as i hoped, it's quiet... too quiet, I guess it's very true that we learn the truth value of thing only when we lost them.
I was thinking about it and you know what? I'm very happy none of my imaginary friends are real, if they were real that would mean i could loose them and if i would loose Aizik i think it would be the end of my life, so it's good he isn't real, he will die with me at the sametime, same day, same year, like in a fairy tale.
Anyway thats all i wanted to say... i just needed to write it to make myself feel a bit better, we all going to die so there no reasson to cry too much, i will try just not to think about it, thats a good way to deal with problems, just don't think and everything will be fine.
