Well, I'm done. I'm over it. I give up. Like always, it's my fault, I apparently am always the one at fault. I bore folks, I'm not interesting, I am just a big fat pity party. 4 times my hearts been broken once on my own doing, another cause I got dumped via email, another after I was recovering from having a wisdom tooth pulled and find out I was being cheated on at the same time and one that ended because the person chose to believe his friend over me on a blatant lie which caused trust issues and than got strung along thinking I still had a chance and when I finally go to make the move, boom engagement ring, wedding bells and me once again tossed off with little to no care and woe be it to me to make a complaint, cause I'd be in the wrong.

I get it, I'm a disappointment, I apparently let folks down a lot. I have baggage. I'm not the right guy, I'm sexy but hey just got tired.

Highly doubt anyone reads anything I put up anymore anyways. Didn't get a normal childhood cause of a drunk of a dad, couldn't have friends because of the fear that drunk dad would know someone and take me. Continued that way through high-school. Finally in college I make my first relationship, have yet to come out to my family, and every relationship has been yes I understand, it's cool, we can wait. Ends the same way every fucking time. Them moving on, happy as a fiddle and me picking up the pieces every fucking time. Have relatives dieing left and right, my mom lost her mind and has gotten better, gave up finishing college to care for her, lost my grandmother, lost my dad, lost my grandfather. Last year was a wreck and folks wonder why I want to talk and cuddle online. Why I don't make the first move?

Everyone I know has moved on, but no one has looked back to see, hey are you OK, need help, need a hand. No one. Like always I'm tossed aside and life continues as normal for them with not a care in the world about me, how am I handlingit, how am I doing, was leavinghim stranded back there the best thing. I don't have a single soul outside of my family that I can open up with about certain things. I've been hurt so much, I'm afraid of making the first move, I'm afraid of just getting hurt again. The most fucked up thing.....I'm in love still.....with the one who......fuck it, I love him, he's now married and I'm still in fucking love with him. I try to be respectful, I try not to be overly sexed in chats. I'm the one trying to behave. If you had any idea what I felt when I found out he was getting married. I congratulated him, wished him a lot of happiness....but I was screaming on the inside. I finally got the means and courage to say we can make this work to ask him back and that happened. I kept it to myself, this guy makes him happy.....I apparently never did or couldn't.

I have bouts of feeling worthless, feeling so alone, so....unwanted, I get so insecure about myself.....I have cried myself to sleep so many nights. I want to open up, I want to be a better friend....I want to feel like I'm wanted, needed...like I am not a bother, not an annoyance....like I matter and I really am considered a friend.....I've been dealing with these feelings since I was 18, I am now 37......as I said, the guy I consider a friend now is the one I still love,......i...don't know what to do, what to say, me being sexual and making the first move has never been my thing. Now it just feels like I'm just a nuisance and a bother.....thing is, I don't want to lose a friendship. Already lost a friendship between once and it killed me, more than I think he knows or cares to know.

I have tried to find love, but apparently I am not someone worth folks time. The way I've been feeling these last few days is like standing out in the middle of an open field and let what come what may just happen. I'm broken, whatever positivity I had, whatever good vibes I always try to show. I'm done. I finally broke. The person who's always positive, chipper, never looks for the bad....has finally broke and how can you fix something like that? Maybe I should just dissappear. Just erase myself from every contact....hell, no one would probably give a rats ass if I suddenly vanished. I just don't matter anymore to anyone....not like I thought I did anyway. I give up world. I'm done. Do what you will with me, I'm not going to fight back anymore. Folks around me have made it clear I'm not worth the time or effort. Probably gonna just piss folks off and lose more friends after this, but hey welcome to my life. Apparently I'm meant to be alone.

Every tear every painful sting of doubt has finally become to much for a soul to bare and hold in. I have realized I am truly alone. I look into the night sky at the same moon we all see and wonder why....why does everyone I know have something so wonderful to hold and love and i...I keep getting tossed aside or left behind....why do I have to be the one to feel alone....I want that feeling again, that fluttering of my heart, that warm sensation of happiness, that blush and shyness. The feeling of being wanted and feeling like you are the most important thing in their life.

I truly.miss that feeling. I miss it so much. Yes it sounds stupid, but getting randomly poincex or having someone get sexual with me in a chat or just them making the first move....made me smile. Made me feel like I was worth it to even have that interest taken in me to do that. I'm sorry if I'm not in the mood, or that it left you feeling frustrated or unsatisfied. I know timing has never been on my side for a.lot of things.....I try, but now......God what am I even saying anymore.?

I'm angry at myself, I'm hurt, I just feel empty, lost, forgotten, I feel like I'm just as important as a grain of sand, nothing of interest until it starts to bother you. I always put the other first, try to be respectful and try not to be a bother.....I'm done with it. If you consider me a friend, if you say you love me, care about me, actually like me..... Show me, don't just say it and go silent or start ignoring me. Please....

I will be taking a break from dealing with the world in general. If I contact you, don't push me away. Right now, I need the help to snap me put of this crap mindset I'm in. I'm asking for the help. Also, don't know why I am going to even say this, but I am not going to go do anything crazy folks. I needed to vent, I needed to let folks know how I'm feeling.....I want to, in my current mindset, matter to someone again. I wish I could turn off the water works, not have these feelings....but apparently I'm messed up and I'm asking for help. Just some proof that I'm wrong, that everything will be OK. That I am wanted, needed, that matter. I'm worth the time, I'm worth the effort, that I am attractive and that I am loved......thats all I really want....have wanted.....I'm a wolf....and I don't do the lone wolf routine very well......to be at peace I need to feel like I really belong....not feel like I'm just felt bad for and put up with but am a bother.....there are times I feel that way.

Goodnight everyone......and for the folks I called friends or the ones I've loved...even the one I love still......I'm sorry I've kept how I've been feeling from all of you for so long. I don't need to be berated or scolded or blocked or told to leave you alone.....please, welcome me with open arms.....don't yell at me.....i....just want to feel special again.....wanted, not feel distanced.