I'm really tired. I didn't want to talk about this with anyone in DM, or tell my family about it (they're too religious and might just say that I went far from God and just cut everything that brings me any kind of serotonin to bring me back to God ) but I need to blow out the steam(?) without making anyone think that they have to say something back or "cheer me up". So if you reading it, please don't feel like you have to reply to this. True, I'll really appreciate that, but I don't want anyone to feel pressed.
So uh... I'm tired, as I already said and taking naps is not an option anymore. It's been a year and I still feel useless and... heavy? like I can't carry this body anymore. Literally
I'm not gonna self diagnose myself, and no, I can't go to therapist to find out. Not only because I can't afford it, but because the only answer I will get will be "You should just work more and there will be no time for such thoughts", I've already been through this and that's not what I'm willing to take as an answer when I say "I'm tired". So the only option I have rn - just to write about it somewhere, where no one of my family members could find and understand. I feel useless, as I said before, I keep recalling little things that my mother said in past. I'm sure she wouldn't even remember that, cuz it's doesn't mean much to her. but somehow it keeps bugging me. Things like "you will forget about all this childish drawing thing when you'll "grow up"" or "I wish it was your brother who could draw. It would be more useful for him since he's a boy and he needs it more than you". I know that she went through a lot herself when she was little, all her problems with health and nerves, and it was only a few times when she said such things to me, but it seems to hit me hard, and since then I'm trying to do everything to get rid of this feeling of uselessness. So I start working, to help my mother with her shop that she always dreamed to open and was saving money for that and to pay for college myself, so my mother won't have to do it. Though I don't want to be a nurse, but decided that I at least could be useful with my mothers health problems, and she also won't worry about me not getting a job (I still don't plan to actually work as nurse tho). Also all the money I gain from commissions, YCHs and adoptables were also spent on my college, medications, some books for me and on my mother's shop (wich I don't regret, don't get me wrong, I was more than willing to give everything that I gain to make her life happier, since she is so deep in her depression).
Speaking of commissions. I'm really grateful to every single person who ever commissioned me! You have no idea how much yall helped me. Thank you a lot for deciding that I was good enough to draw something for you, I really appreciate that, and all the kind words I recieved from you when the job was done, I wouldn't be able to go so far without yall <3

But now I'm really burned out. It's senior year in college, and I'm sick of all of this medical stuff, I've seen so much shit that I don't trust hospitals anymore. I'm tired of the fact that have to keep my mothers mood every time my brother says some shit to her. I'm tired of the feeling like I don't worth anything if I'm not trying my hardest. I'm tired of the feeling like my brother and he's problems are more valid to my mother, just because he's a guy, and in the same time I just don't have the right to be sad, or tired, because "who's gonna keep your mother's mood? She's gonna be sad if she'll see you laying here like you're sick." or because I'm "too young to say that life is hard". I'm sad of the fact that I'm tired of drawing, the only thing I loved so much. I'm scared of suicidal thoughts that are coming in my mind more often due the year, but in the same time I'm too tired to care, because I know if I tell about it anyone in my family they either wont take me seriously, and would just yell at me, or they gonna call some sort of an exorcist, since "suicide always comes from a devil". I don't know what to do. Maybe I should try take a nap again?

Well, if anyone reached here - thank you. I hope you doing better than me. Please stay safe and take care of yourself. If you feeling down and you can go to the therapist - do it. It's better to know what's up with you before you reached too far like I did. I hope I'll be able to handle it and get better soon. Now about my page. I'm not gonna leave this place, no, I still love to draw, I still love the community, but now I don't have enough strength to do it as I used to. It doesn't mean that I'm not going to draw, I still have an ideas, and I even might finish a few adoptables that I got in my folders, the updates in general just might get less often, but I won't be like dead dead (hopefully)

Aaand. That's it? That's it! If you had read all this, well, you have a lot of patience then! Thank you ❤ for coming to my TED talk