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Art and Vision Loss
4 years ago
General
I wrote this yesterday and figured you guys deserve to see it too. This isn’t a plea for help or anything. I don’t expect comments and honestly there’s nothing anyone can say or do that makes any of it better. This is just what I live with now and if you’ve wondered why I draw so little these days when I used to do it all the time, well, here’s that answer.
(I am still working on the commissions I owe and I appreciate the patience you guys have shown me!)
... ... ...
I’m not entirely sure why I feel the need to put this stuff here. I guess in a way it’s just the smallest bit cathartic to have it out there and have it seen. Maybe someday somebody will see it and can at least feel a tiny bit less alone.
tl;dr: I’m sad today. Here’s how I write loss so well (they say write what you know...).
From Discord messages; March 29, 2021
Re art trauma: yeah it’s been rough. I lost a huge chunk of my functional vision a couple years ago in a very slow, dragging process, and it took the security and ease I’ve always felt about my art with it. :/ Unfortunately no therapist I’ve met has any solution so it’s kind of just a constant grief I get to drag with me now. Sometimes it’s easy enough to ignore and sometimes it’s overwhelming. It frustrates the hell out of me because I used to be so prolific and technically there’s nothing really stopping me except for the pain and the trust in my own body that’s been shattered. It would have been easier to just go blind in one shot, have the door shut in my face, I was ready for that. But this just leaves me in a lonely place where I can still see what I lost and can’t reach for it.
If I can ever think of a way to help with this I’ll definitely tell everyone. XD It’s just a lot of little sad things that not many people will ever know about. I remember the last print book I read and I know I’ll never get to read another one. I can look at it on my shelf and smell the paper but my hands are never going to smell like book paper again. I miss it. I’m never going to get to draw all those comics I spent years dreaming up and I wonder when I’ll put my stylus down for the last time. It’s just awful and there’s nothing anyone can do about it.
I knew it was probably going to happen but I wasn’t prepared for it to be this way. I thought I would just wake up blind one day and there would be a solid line between the past and the future. I didn’t ever think I’d have to live through years of this slow fading, watching everything blur until I couldn’t do the little important things I took for granted. And I hoped surgery would help but in the end it just kind of left me in limbo. I can see everything I used to have but it’s all just out of reach. And there’s nothing that can fix it or undo the trust I’ve lost in myself because of it.
So. Some days I don’t think about it. I live my life like everybody does. And some days it’s just a knife, always twisting in me like it all just happened. I wish there was a way for it to be over but there isn’t. I just have to keep going, carrying the weight of my losses with me.
(I am still working on the commissions I owe and I appreciate the patience you guys have shown me!)
... ... ...
I’m not entirely sure why I feel the need to put this stuff here. I guess in a way it’s just the smallest bit cathartic to have it out there and have it seen. Maybe someday somebody will see it and can at least feel a tiny bit less alone.
tl;dr: I’m sad today. Here’s how I write loss so well (they say write what you know...).
From Discord messages; March 29, 2021
Re art trauma: yeah it’s been rough. I lost a huge chunk of my functional vision a couple years ago in a very slow, dragging process, and it took the security and ease I’ve always felt about my art with it. :/ Unfortunately no therapist I’ve met has any solution so it’s kind of just a constant grief I get to drag with me now. Sometimes it’s easy enough to ignore and sometimes it’s overwhelming. It frustrates the hell out of me because I used to be so prolific and technically there’s nothing really stopping me except for the pain and the trust in my own body that’s been shattered. It would have been easier to just go blind in one shot, have the door shut in my face, I was ready for that. But this just leaves me in a lonely place where I can still see what I lost and can’t reach for it.
If I can ever think of a way to help with this I’ll definitely tell everyone. XD It’s just a lot of little sad things that not many people will ever know about. I remember the last print book I read and I know I’ll never get to read another one. I can look at it on my shelf and smell the paper but my hands are never going to smell like book paper again. I miss it. I’m never going to get to draw all those comics I spent years dreaming up and I wonder when I’ll put my stylus down for the last time. It’s just awful and there’s nothing anyone can do about it.
I knew it was probably going to happen but I wasn’t prepared for it to be this way. I thought I would just wake up blind one day and there would be a solid line between the past and the future. I didn’t ever think I’d have to live through years of this slow fading, watching everything blur until I couldn’t do the little important things I took for granted. And I hoped surgery would help but in the end it just kind of left me in limbo. I can see everything I used to have but it’s all just out of reach. And there’s nothing that can fix it or undo the trust I’ve lost in myself because of it.
So. Some days I don’t think about it. I live my life like everybody does. And some days it’s just a knife, always twisting in me like it all just happened. I wish there was a way for it to be over but there isn’t. I just have to keep going, carrying the weight of my losses with me.
I feel for you and send some warm wishes.
I've always enjoyed your work and interacting with you at conventions, if in the off chance there is anything I can do to help please don't hesitate to let me know.
I would like to go to another con someday. :) I'm not sure I can handle the pressure though. I go to things like teaching conventions now and I like the more low key, focused atmosphere dedicated to one topic like the nerd I am, haha. XD
Would it be helpful to you if I added descriptions of my art and comics in the future? Like a little something in the description box that describes each panel or what's going on? Because that is something I can definitely do, and I would love to if it would make things easier for you!
Oh I love added descriptions! Your comics and illustrations have always been clear to me but I'll never pass up text descriptions if they're not too much trouble. :)