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To be or not to be?
4 years ago
General
Once upon a time...
An important note at the start of this. I am not, in fact, feeling particularly suicidal, just very worn down from recent events and want to get this stuff somewhere other than in my head.
One of the worst problems with having despair in my head is that I always end up wondering if it's worth going on. This is only increased every time some new and horrifyingly repressive bill is made into law by some state.
I often question the sanity of continuing in a life where things inevitably will go down hill. Where the bright patches of happiness and hope will become fewer and fewer until all that's left is the drudgery of continuation until death inevitably occurs anyway.
I can't even count on most people in my faith to back me up and no one considers how terribly lonely that can make people feel. Everyone just seems to assume you can love anyone you want, and I'm sure quite a number of "good Christians" would be happy to regale me with tales of homosexual friends and family members who went celibate or "converted" successfully or married and are "happy" in a "normal marriage".
As for the anti-porn bills, these same faithful would probably argue the importance of them, not caring that ruling by religious law makes them the same as any of the various states that impose strict and harsh punishments based on religious beliefs. It's always interesting how many fear Sharia but never worry about the Christian version of it amounting to the same thing.
With more and more authoritarian governments around the world, it's hard to find anything to hope for, except an early death. It's hard to feel like life will be worth living ten years from now, when I can look forward to being hated by the government for being gay, possibly jailed or even killed. Assuming the world isn't on fire thanks to climate change.
What do I have to look forward to? The death of my parents and siblings and friends? My own gradual decay? A society increasingly authoritarian to the point that we lose our democracy? A world increasingly authoritarian to the point of no democracies? A future filled with increasing natural disasters and the extinction of beloved species thanks to climate change?
No matter how much I try to read up on good news, it always seems too little too late or too small a candle against the waves of greed and control desiring to snuff it out forever.
One of the worst problems with having despair in my head is that I always end up wondering if it's worth going on. This is only increased every time some new and horrifyingly repressive bill is made into law by some state.
I often question the sanity of continuing in a life where things inevitably will go down hill. Where the bright patches of happiness and hope will become fewer and fewer until all that's left is the drudgery of continuation until death inevitably occurs anyway.
I can't even count on most people in my faith to back me up and no one considers how terribly lonely that can make people feel. Everyone just seems to assume you can love anyone you want, and I'm sure quite a number of "good Christians" would be happy to regale me with tales of homosexual friends and family members who went celibate or "converted" successfully or married and are "happy" in a "normal marriage".
As for the anti-porn bills, these same faithful would probably argue the importance of them, not caring that ruling by religious law makes them the same as any of the various states that impose strict and harsh punishments based on religious beliefs. It's always interesting how many fear Sharia but never worry about the Christian version of it amounting to the same thing.
With more and more authoritarian governments around the world, it's hard to find anything to hope for, except an early death. It's hard to feel like life will be worth living ten years from now, when I can look forward to being hated by the government for being gay, possibly jailed or even killed. Assuming the world isn't on fire thanks to climate change.
What do I have to look forward to? The death of my parents and siblings and friends? My own gradual decay? A society increasingly authoritarian to the point that we lose our democracy? A world increasingly authoritarian to the point of no democracies? A future filled with increasing natural disasters and the extinction of beloved species thanks to climate change?
No matter how much I try to read up on good news, it always seems too little too late or too small a candle against the waves of greed and control desiring to snuff it out forever.
as, indagare, my 'implicit' mantra has—over these last several years—been: as long as i know so many billions of other( innocent)s are being subjugated / abused / subjected to appalling, needless affronts against humanity, then i myself cannot ever claim to be "happy"
(as a corollary: how might i lay a claim on "happiness," anyway, when {rightfully} i must live my life in fear of other people,—and/or their machinations,—every day?)
yet, i don't want them to win.
which offing ourselves would signify.
why should it be we who depart this mortal coil?
yet. . . . .if it turns-out-true there is no hell (for the abjectly-, unremittingly-callous) or heaven (for the innocent; and for those who, if nothing else,
• tender profound, sincere remorse for their past indiscretions,
• have made meaningful attempts to atone,
• and have put forth sincere efforts not to be Monstrous anymore) for our departed souls to reach, then..
..what is the point?
these are scary considerations gare.
considerations against which i'd had long wrestled before the intervention of covid (2019).
greed, and vainglory, long-have proven themselves our most-deadly sins.
also not helpful: the fact people can be informed of problematic activity, yet won't act on resolving it until / before someone dies from it.
(and even then. . . . .)
i wouldn't furtherly restrict access to pornographia.
rather: i'd ensure the overall welfare of the sex workers, who participate in these, is "ok."
(which, of course, we know a lot of theirs isn't.)
such efforts wouldn't work anyway; attempting to, say... ...wreak another spanish-style inquisition / crusade, to curb pornographia's production \ consumption also wouldn't fly.
not in this day and age.
(though, you know someone's gonna try it at some point)i remember experiencing sexual arousal (voluntary) as early as five; i was jerking off to "adult videos" (adult videos featuring actual, adult males who likely were, on average, 35 years old) at 11 or 10 — and i remain confident, if i'd discovered The Stash at a younger age, i still woulda wound up whacking my little peter off then
(i just mighta, gare!)these desires were innate in me enough, so that even during pre-pubescence, my tiny little mind was (if only rudimentarily) able to work out what i did and did not want to pleasure myself to.º
which is to say ... if a kiddo already has those kinds of feelings inside them, it's honestly only a matter of time before Kiddo—pending any unforeseen, unforeseeable, future traumatic event which might thwart said 'feelings' / 'urges'—acts on them
this "urge" is representative of our Biological Drive which, for better or for worse, helps keep humanity alive—\\
\\—is an extension of our general desire for having companionship, of socializing
perhaps that is more-the-reason to try hanging on — because we (you and i) are gonna meet our ends one way or another, regardless
so maybe..
..we can try enjoying those fleeting moments of pleasure, whenever they decide to grace our presence
to derive modicums of joy, if only to know what these feel like
in my estimation.
komrayd.
º (meaning, i actively fast-forwarded through segments which inspired no interest from me)