Hey,, usually I don't do personal update journals,, mostly because I don't know if I should and I feel like any time I take the time to talk about my personal issues I'm being a burden and annoying ppl,, but I want to be more open and interact with my watchers more,, I guess this way it feels more personal and you can get to know me a little better rather than me just being another artist on FA (plus I like interacting with yall). It also doesn't help that I'm not 100% sure how to word things correctly to convey my feelings and what I want to say properly. :T

I first of all want to say I'm sorry to everyone for being distant this past year or so,, more so these past few months,, or at least I feel like I have been distant. I've been kind of out of it and not very warm and talkative lately. Been going though a lot, mostly emotionally, and I'm working on getting back to the happier and warmer me,, which of course is something that cant be forced and takes time. College has been a major stress-bringer and as some of you know, my depression and anxiety have gotten pretty bad to where I'm having to take meds now (or at least trying to find ones that work with me). I really do want to be more warm and friendly though, I feel like when people try to talk to me I'm distant and distracted and I don't mean to come off like that, I've just had a lot on my mind (and plate in general) lately and none of it is your fault. So I feel the need to apologize and to start trying to be more interactive.

Also to top all of that off I've been having issues with major self-doubt/hatred and hating my art so that's great, kinda a thing my depression has been making worse than usual (It's also becoming more common which I'm not at all chill with but oh well, what can you do I guess lol). It's making me feel like I don't deserve any of the attention I get for my art and that my art isn't commission worthy and that I should just give up. No matter how much people tell me I'm worth it and my art is worth it I cant completely silence the voices in my head and they'll eventually get too loud again, like today. However, I want to thank everyone for all the support you've given me and sticking with me even though I don't feel like I deserve any of it. The kind words really do help tho, even if it is temporary <3

So since I've finished my queue I'll be taking a break from comms until I feel ready to take them again. I'm not sure when that'll be though. I may take a few slots here and there or take some from ppl I know (like friends or mutuals), or those who have idea's that wouldn't be too difficult to figure out,, really depends on how I'm feeling,, I'm trying not to overwhelm myself again. I'm also going to be working on revamping how I take commissions. There will be a new slot system and I don't think I want to go back to reserving slots and making a list. It had gotten too long and ended up becoming a major source of stress. Prices will also be changed and I'll put out a journal when both have been redone. Another one of the things I want to do during this break is work on my art style. As I said before, I've been having a lot of self-doubt and really hating my art lately. You know, the "feeling like it's not worth getting a comm from me compared to other artists" or "why would people waste their time with you when there are ppl out there who are so much better than you" feeling. I know it's not a mindset I should be in but there's this little voice in the back of my head that tells me these things and it gets really hard to ignore sometimes. So I want to work on my art. Specifically backgrounds/landscapes and anatomy/style,, because to me my art style is too "stiff" and I try too hard to make it look "perfect" which, in the end, makes it look worse in my opinion.

I will also be putting out a journal which will explain certain ships as well as how art with my characters will work. It will also have listed character preferences and general info in case anyone was interested in that sort of stuff :> It's been the reason why I've gotten 2 refs done in like 2 days and there's one more I need to finish before I can post the journal :,D

Anyway, I thought I'd try to explain why I'm taking a break and why I've been kinda distant,, give yall some incite into what I deal with on a day to day basis and I'm trying not to sound like I'm ranting too much,, I rarely get to rant anyway,, feel too guilty to,, but what does it matter, I'm not feeling emotionally stable/well atm anyway. This is probably a bad idea and I'll just end up deleting it later when I'm in the headspace to think clearly. Just wanted to talk to yall.

edit: I'm just really stressed and not mentally and emotionally ok atm and I want yall to know I love and appreciate all of you even tho I may not seem like it sometimes and I feel really bad about that because I really do appreciate all of you ;;