I'mma be straight up with you, this is a bit of a vent post, and I'm gonna spend a lot of time talking Problems. Some might call it oversharing. ​It's going to be very personal and contain some very frank discussion of my state right now, and if anyone reads this I hope to encourage some understanding and discussion of the types of things I'm going through both physically and mentally. I'm sure if you know me or have followed me for a while, you're aware of my illness, which remains unidentified and disabling, and is the strongest influence on what I'm going to say here. I'm not trying to garner sympathy here, but I want to explain myself a bit and try to talk some about my state of mind right now when it comes to my projects and the way I interact with people.

Firstly, I feel an incredible amount of guilt over the glacial pace of my main project, Willowood (Go ahead and skip this whole paragraph if you're not interested in that.) I've lost a lot of support on it, and I know it's because I'm not providing much in return for the support. I believe it's now been over a year since the last release or thereabouts, and I really don't have anywhere near as much to show for that year as I'd like. I feel guilty for accepting money for that project while unable to work on it consistently or often. What's worse is that this same anxiety makes the project more difficult to work on in itself. A regular occurance is that I spend hours feeling compelled to work on it, but then when I sit down to do that, I begin feeling nauseous from the anxiety and have to stop very soon. The question obviously comes to mind "Then why continue running a Patreon for it?" The honest answer is that I'm unable to work due to my illness, but undiagnosed and therefore not receiving any form of disability assistance. Because of all this, the small amount of money I get from that is actually quite significant for me. Due to the lack of activity, the majority of remaining supporters are close friends who are very aware of my situation, or at least as aware as I've made anyone of it. This doesn't kill the guilt or the compulsion to try and work past it, but I feel I have little choice but to get what I can at the moment. This is all to say though that I don't believe I can treat it as a high priority in my life right now and I want to be clear about that, and for it to be understood that things will continue to take a very long time until hopefully I can get my more serious problems under control.

Anyways, all that aside, I want to talk about the changes in my social life as well. Old friends who knew me from at least a couple years ago have probably noticed a stark difference in my presence. To put it concisely: I know the vibes are wack. I know I'm less present and certainly far less chipper than I was. I try not to let my frustration show too much, but I don't think I can really communicate the nature of the stress I'm under. I find myself really wishing I could be the upbeat and supportive friend I tried my best to be, and hopefully succeeded in being, when I was in better health. I've also been spending a lot of time while I've been sick analyzing and trying to explain a lot of my longer-held emotional difficulties. A major one is that I've often felt lonely even around others. I've become increasingly aware that the source of this is a massive disconnect between my internal emotions and what I say/show to others. I have an mental block that seems to prevent me from displaying emotion without consciously deciding that I'm okay with displaying it first. This is why I often take a few seconds to answer when spoken to, and rarely have very strong reactions to things. It's also why I sometimes sound so clinical even when I'm trying to vent, like right now for example. In public and in stressful situations, it can often reach a point that I have difficulty speaking at all, which is why I have trouble securing much help for myself. I have suspicions as to when and why all this developed, but I don't want to go into that on such a public platform. What I do wonder is if anyone else experiences something similar, and if they might have things that help them cope.

But moreover I'd like to apologize to my friends for not being around as much anymore, and for never really being there when I am. I promise I'm trying to be there, but it's difficult to actually communicate with people through such a heavy veil of dissociation.

Anyways, that's enough of More Info About Pubby Than Anyone Asked For. I just felt a need to talk about not just why I am the way I am lately, but also what exactly "the way I am" is.

I'll seeya round, have a good day everyone <3