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Vent-ish Thing
4 years ago
General
Warning, This Contains:
>Swearing
>Light Sexual References
>Vulpixi's Emotions
Please Click Something Else if Any of These Make You Uncomfortable.
Thank you.
I've been holding this in for too many years now-
If you don't want/care to hear about this or are afraid this'll remind you of your own suffering(if you have anything to suffer over),
you have the right to leave.
For those who are still here,
first thing I need to get out.
My 'senpai obsession'.
If you didn't know or haven't guessed already, I have a decent sized crush on Underfell Sans.
Yes, I know it's pointless and you may go ahead and make fun of me for it.
It started a few years ago as silly teenage crush, and at the time it wasn't that big of a deal. But as the years progressed, I started writing more Flust ship writing(example: FiL), my love for Fell grew and grew. Now I'm beginning to think my current relationship(yes, I'm taken by a wonderful male who loves me w/ all his heart <3) will end soon because of my fu^^ing little crush.
Second thing.
Suicidal Thoughts.
I know this is probably a phase or something for my age, which I will not share quite yet, but these thoughts are literally going to kill me.
No, no, no, I'm not planning on dying any time soon. It's just that more than three times a day, this part of me comes out and says "Eh, fu^^ life, I don't deserve to be alive, I'd be better off in hell.". Thing is, I can't talk to anyone about it because of the reasons why I think this way. If anyone has ideas of how to slowly make myself feel better, please tell me!
See, one second I'm drawing then another, I'm curled up in a ball regretting life.
I do, however, have some way of making myself feel better for the time being. I call it PTH or Pillow Therapy Hugs. Yes, I have one pillow who's sole purpose is for hugging. And no, it's not a body pillow. PTH works very well and gets me through most of the day.
Third thing I need to confess.
*This part has the sexual references*
I know too much qwq.
What do I know too much of?
Uhhh,
let's say NSFW.
I know that the world expresses sexuality a lot more openly these days, but this is also teaching kids sexual terms and things at a very young age.
This happened to me at age 10.
I was just getting into the Undertale community when I came across what is now my favourite writing platform--Wattpad. Not just Wattpad, but a lemon(writing that contains some NSFW). This taught me so much I had never known before, and I thought writing about sex after that was okay(which it is not until you are at least 17). That's when FiL was created. Fell, in Love(it's a play on words. Fell sans, in love. He fell in love. Get it?) was my top priority after that. I had originally planned on the writing being out and done before Christmas of 2019, but now it's still not finished. And probably never will be because my account got deleted and I'm pretty sure the email got changed so it would notify whoever when I reactivated it.
Now it's been some years, and I've learned even more thanks to the internet.
Sometimes it's hard just writing without it evolving into something much worse.
When I list the reasons I shouldn't exist, being a slut is one of them, despite being a virgin and never expressing sexuality to anyone. I call myself this because of what I wrote.
Fourth thing.
Procrastination.
I have ADHD, so sometimes my mind is all over the place and it's hard to get big things done and done well. But when I put my mind to something, it comes out great. Procrastination comes easily to me, unfortunately. I try my absolute best to make sure I finish art or animations I owe, but sometimes school and procrastination take over. So if I owe you art from a while ago, sorry.
Final Thing.
Art.
This isn't as big, but I need to talk about it.
My ever-changing art style is overwhelming me. If I change say one head perspective for my skeleton style, I have to change all the other perspectives. Sometimes I feel pressured into changing my art style so it looks cooler, or maybe is a bit more attractive, not because I want to, but for the public. I do draw mostly for myself, however.
Support/comments welcome. qwq
Sorry.
I just really needed this.
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