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4 years ago
đź““ Earthly, ethereal, angelical, infernal or otherwise out of this world beings... đź““ 
I'm working on a fantasy JRPG. Please consider checking it out
Hello everyone. Got personal news to share.
Recently I was diagnosed with mixed anxiety-depressive disorder and general health anxiety, and by recently I mean a couple of weeks ago.
For those that know me personally, really know me not just watch me for the porn, know that I’ve always been a kind of troubled person. In recent years I’ve had a difficult time trusting people, I find it hard to even trust my own judgement on many things, and I’ve always been introverted as all hell, paranoid. If I had to be blunt about it, I’d say I was “reminded” how fragile, cruel and unpredictable life can be at times during these past few months, with the passing of my grandmother, the state of some of the people I respect and those that I love, news of tragedy and death I’ve stumbled across, the attitudes at work, just a persistent, strong aura of negativity around me.
Not too long ago, my grandmother passed away from natural causes. Before she left us she developed dementia and turned from a sweet old lady into this spiteful, hateful person. She rarely talked to us about anything other than theories how everyone wants to kill her, steal from her, smother her in her sleep and theorized that it must’ve been us who killed grandfather. She wasn’t herself anymore, I told myself that it’s not her talking it’s the illness talking, yet I couldn’t be there for her when she needed me. I wanted to visit her more but then the news came and I felt both sorrowful and incredibly stupid. I wish I could’ve been there for her, that I visited more often, picked my words more carefully, had the last moments together be I don’t know, something along the lines of happy. When we got back from the memorial service and my health started acting up I guess a part of me just got twisted. I became obsessed with the thought that I was sick with something hidden and I became incredibly irrational, experiencing frequent panic attacks. My psychologist labelled it as the manifestation of destructive/catastrophic thinking where it is a consistent cycle of negative thoughts spurred on by my personal fears, that being death and hidden illness. My personal dissatisfaction with a lot of things and surroundings were fuel for that.
When you develop this mindset that the world is actively going against you and everyone around you, you begin to change for the worst. I’m afraid of death, I worry about myself and the people I love, I hate the uncertain, I hate pain, I hate the feeling of unpredictability and unfairness, I have plans for the future and I hope to enact them. I’m not 100% happy with a lot of things in my life professionally and with family and coupled with the fact that everything is uncertain it makes things worse for me.
Living with health anxiety/mixed anxiety-depressive disorder is not an easy thing, you need to force yourself to think in a different manner and to describe it to the best of my ability, there is this voice in the back of your head telling you nothing will be fine, that everything can go to shit in a heartbeat and how it’ll impact you and everyone around you. You try to think logically and remain rational, be positive, but at that point what you have is two conflicting states bottled together.
I realized that this irrational fear is taking a toll on me and wallowing in self-pity won’t achieve anything. So I visited professionals, got myself diagnosed, got prescribed supplements to mildly treat it including magnesium pills, I’m spending more time with my family and I’m writing a book as a form of therapy. I learned not to give a shit when my boss tries to bully me and I try to not get so upset anymore. When I get back from visiting my other grandparents I’ll have regular sessions with professionals to help keep my life under control. Deep down I know that all my problems are just ridiculous thoughts taking hold of me. I know that life can be both good and bad, we as humans just tend to focus more on the bad. I’ve been tempted to start drinking again but that’s never a solution, and I don’t want to take any anti-depressants for the rest of my life.
I don’t expect people to pity me and I don’t mind if people do not take me seriously. I know it can sound silly to some but hey, it’s all fun and laughs until it happens to us. I didn’t wake up one day and decide to be like this, I don’t take pride in my state and I don’t wish people to feel what I feel. I just wrote this because I feel like I need to put it out there for me. In my mind, it has to make sense. I need to be able to look back at it and tell myself I confronted my problems. I’m fine physically yet not mentally, but I am seeking to make things better.
My advice is this: enjoy life the best you can, love and be loved, and if you struggle seek professional help immediately.
Recently I was diagnosed with mixed anxiety-depressive disorder and general health anxiety, and by recently I mean a couple of weeks ago.
For those that know me personally, really know me not just watch me for the porn, know that I’ve always been a kind of troubled person. In recent years I’ve had a difficult time trusting people, I find it hard to even trust my own judgement on many things, and I’ve always been introverted as all hell, paranoid. If I had to be blunt about it, I’d say I was “reminded” how fragile, cruel and unpredictable life can be at times during these past few months, with the passing of my grandmother, the state of some of the people I respect and those that I love, news of tragedy and death I’ve stumbled across, the attitudes at work, just a persistent, strong aura of negativity around me.
Not too long ago, my grandmother passed away from natural causes. Before she left us she developed dementia and turned from a sweet old lady into this spiteful, hateful person. She rarely talked to us about anything other than theories how everyone wants to kill her, steal from her, smother her in her sleep and theorized that it must’ve been us who killed grandfather. She wasn’t herself anymore, I told myself that it’s not her talking it’s the illness talking, yet I couldn’t be there for her when she needed me. I wanted to visit her more but then the news came and I felt both sorrowful and incredibly stupid. I wish I could’ve been there for her, that I visited more often, picked my words more carefully, had the last moments together be I don’t know, something along the lines of happy. When we got back from the memorial service and my health started acting up I guess a part of me just got twisted. I became obsessed with the thought that I was sick with something hidden and I became incredibly irrational, experiencing frequent panic attacks. My psychologist labelled it as the manifestation of destructive/catastrophic thinking where it is a consistent cycle of negative thoughts spurred on by my personal fears, that being death and hidden illness. My personal dissatisfaction with a lot of things and surroundings were fuel for that.
When you develop this mindset that the world is actively going against you and everyone around you, you begin to change for the worst. I’m afraid of death, I worry about myself and the people I love, I hate the uncertain, I hate pain, I hate the feeling of unpredictability and unfairness, I have plans for the future and I hope to enact them. I’m not 100% happy with a lot of things in my life professionally and with family and coupled with the fact that everything is uncertain it makes things worse for me.
Living with health anxiety/mixed anxiety-depressive disorder is not an easy thing, you need to force yourself to think in a different manner and to describe it to the best of my ability, there is this voice in the back of your head telling you nothing will be fine, that everything can go to shit in a heartbeat and how it’ll impact you and everyone around you. You try to think logically and remain rational, be positive, but at that point what you have is two conflicting states bottled together.
I realized that this irrational fear is taking a toll on me and wallowing in self-pity won’t achieve anything. So I visited professionals, got myself diagnosed, got prescribed supplements to mildly treat it including magnesium pills, I’m spending more time with my family and I’m writing a book as a form of therapy. I learned not to give a shit when my boss tries to bully me and I try to not get so upset anymore. When I get back from visiting my other grandparents I’ll have regular sessions with professionals to help keep my life under control. Deep down I know that all my problems are just ridiculous thoughts taking hold of me. I know that life can be both good and bad, we as humans just tend to focus more on the bad. I’ve been tempted to start drinking again but that’s never a solution, and I don’t want to take any anti-depressants for the rest of my life.
I don’t expect people to pity me and I don’t mind if people do not take me seriously. I know it can sound silly to some but hey, it’s all fun and laughs until it happens to us. I didn’t wake up one day and decide to be like this, I don’t take pride in my state and I don’t wish people to feel what I feel. I just wrote this because I feel like I need to put it out there for me. In my mind, it has to make sense. I need to be able to look back at it and tell myself I confronted my problems. I’m fine physically yet not mentally, but I am seeking to make things better.
My advice is this: enjoy life the best you can, love and be loved, and if you struggle seek professional help immediately.
đź““ Keep your pants dry, your dreams wet, and remember, hugs not drugs.đź““ I'm working on a fantasy JRPG. Please consider checking it out 