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So... why do I sometimes disappear??
4 years ago
Someone just told me that I should explain why I disappear so often and sometimes for months. So here I am.
Sorry if certain details can sound depressing.
To keep it simple, I'm a caretaker for severely disabled/diabetic people, and I'm single. So every time something happens to one of my protegees, like discovering that on top of being paraplegic, they now have cancer, or that one of my diabetic ones will have YET another limb removed... well I find myself unable to draw anymore.
There are even moments when I feel like I would disrespect my patients if I were still able to draw porn after one of them died still young.
I've been invited to several funerals and as I don't want to look like a gloomy person (I'm a very positive one so I'd hate that anyways), I always refrain from speaking about what I have seen and experienced with other (especially non-medical field related) people. So yes, sometimes it can take me months to recover because I lost both motivation and erm... libido.
When it got worse one year and a half ago is when after an accident, I had to take an MRI scan and I was informed that there were several 'anomalies' on my photos. Black shapes here and there, that the doctors hinted me it could be multiple cancer. But then with Covid and my work-related unavailability, I had to wait one full month before getting the full explanations about what they were seeing. It wasn't cancer and I could even ignore it.
But on my side I had been persuaded that my life was finished, that I was going to lose my job because of the illness, and as I'm not rich, I couldn't imagine how I would even be able to afford any treatment.
All these worries, in vain.
When I at last started to recover, I changed my workplace and stumbled upon a nightmarish place where patients with mental disabilities are maltreated. And I'm speaking about punches and kicks. When I was hired, the place was already under investigation for reports of abuse, and of course nobody told me.
What I saw... I reported it, was ignored, and decided to simply stop working in that branch because I had lost faith in humanity.
I spent one full year in one other kind of Hell, working two unqualified, low wage jobs and feeling like a loser because I LOVE care taking. It was my dream job, and it gave me so much, as a person.
So I tried again, and this time... it was 8 months ago, but this facility is ALL I had been dreaming about, for 20 years working as a care taker! I can't help feeling so much gratitude towards the people who run it. The staff is absolutely outstanding. The patients love the place too (the food is great, the activities are fun, bath time is an absolute bliss etc), and they return so much warmth to anyone who is working there. One of my patients cried of joy when I told her that I was going to become permanent staff. She is one of my wheelchair-bound protegees who always has a kind word for anyone, while being so much handicapped. She is so bright and kind. They are all so open-minded and positive.
God I love my job!!
And I can draw PrOn again!!
I'm so glad I'm back!!
But please try to understand when I sometimes disappear. It's a job that takes a big toll on the mental and I don't want to draw porn I can't even fap to.
Maybe I will write a journal the next time I feel that something like that is going to happen. But it's not what that account is about, so I'd better not.
Thanks for listening! And sorry for the long absence!
Sorry if certain details can sound depressing.
To keep it simple, I'm a caretaker for severely disabled/diabetic people, and I'm single. So every time something happens to one of my protegees, like discovering that on top of being paraplegic, they now have cancer, or that one of my diabetic ones will have YET another limb removed... well I find myself unable to draw anymore.
There are even moments when I feel like I would disrespect my patients if I were still able to draw porn after one of them died still young.
I've been invited to several funerals and as I don't want to look like a gloomy person (I'm a very positive one so I'd hate that anyways), I always refrain from speaking about what I have seen and experienced with other (especially non-medical field related) people. So yes, sometimes it can take me months to recover because I lost both motivation and erm... libido.
When it got worse one year and a half ago is when after an accident, I had to take an MRI scan and I was informed that there were several 'anomalies' on my photos. Black shapes here and there, that the doctors hinted me it could be multiple cancer. But then with Covid and my work-related unavailability, I had to wait one full month before getting the full explanations about what they were seeing. It wasn't cancer and I could even ignore it.
But on my side I had been persuaded that my life was finished, that I was going to lose my job because of the illness, and as I'm not rich, I couldn't imagine how I would even be able to afford any treatment.
All these worries, in vain.
When I at last started to recover, I changed my workplace and stumbled upon a nightmarish place where patients with mental disabilities are maltreated. And I'm speaking about punches and kicks. When I was hired, the place was already under investigation for reports of abuse, and of course nobody told me.
What I saw... I reported it, was ignored, and decided to simply stop working in that branch because I had lost faith in humanity.
I spent one full year in one other kind of Hell, working two unqualified, low wage jobs and feeling like a loser because I LOVE care taking. It was my dream job, and it gave me so much, as a person.
So I tried again, and this time... it was 8 months ago, but this facility is ALL I had been dreaming about, for 20 years working as a care taker! I can't help feeling so much gratitude towards the people who run it. The staff is absolutely outstanding. The patients love the place too (the food is great, the activities are fun, bath time is an absolute bliss etc), and they return so much warmth to anyone who is working there. One of my patients cried of joy when I told her that I was going to become permanent staff. She is one of my wheelchair-bound protegees who always has a kind word for anyone, while being so much handicapped. She is so bright and kind. They are all so open-minded and positive.
God I love my job!!
And I can draw PrOn again!!
I'm so glad I'm back!!
But please try to understand when I sometimes disappear. It's a job that takes a big toll on the mental and I don't want to draw porn I can't even fap to.
Maybe I will write a journal the next time I feel that something like that is going to happen. But it's not what that account is about, so I'd better not.
Thanks for listening! And sorry for the long absence!
I'm pretty sure all those who like your stuff understand and realize that real life comes first always, so you shouldn't need to worry about what your fanbase thinks of you, bud. ' w'
As for myself, I too don't post regularly nor do I stay in touch with the website for long periods of time, maybe a few months, maybe a year, so I can sort of relate.
It's really cool of ya to do your best like you've been doing, so.. keep up the good spirits, dude!
At the end the most important is that saw the end of the tunnel, so time to grab that tablet and those Villains and to and celebrate!
You never fail to impress and/or arouse, heh~
Do your thing at your own pace, bro!
I didn't know that you felt called to caretaking industry, but it really makes sense for you!
I remember that you were always so nice and concerned about others.
Honest, it is such a relief that you're doing well.
And because covid, well, many of us had getting extremely busy and stressed too.
But, it is quiet good after you pass that hell hole you finally find an environment good for you and your mental health.
But it is truth, they were always people with a worst situation, a good example is the docu-film from my country about a retirement home, named "Agent Mole".
But strangely enough, it's because I work in the medical field that I'm safe. We take a LOT of precautions and get tested every month.
Please stay safe!! I got Covid too when it started and nobody knew what it was, and it took me one year to recover (especially my lungs, they are still scarred). If it had been one year later I would have been under a respirator I think. I was waking up every night gasping for air and couldn't climb 5 stairs without getting out of breath (and getting horrible cramps), but I'm back to normal (except my sense of taste. It's not what it was anymore). Here in Japan nobody says that getting it a second time 'will' kill you tho, so please be ready to fight whatever happens!!
Well, I end accepting shits are like that. Covid did ruin maybe now close to two years.
I know that, just recently I've started to feel like my old self and I'm close to one year that I got infected.
Here on Chile it is actually killing and kicking to emergency the people of 20-40 years, because we got the mutations of the virus, which is more violent.
I can only wait for the second vaccine and well, keep taking care as they don't really make you inmune.
Quiet impressive, they mentioned this will last 2 years and will affect the next 20 years a year ago, guess they weren't so wrong.
It think here I heard that they also found the Indian version of Covid recently, but Japan is a country where wearing a mask is common and people hardly physically touch each others, even between family members, so even if we get hundreds of new cases every day, we proportionally get only very few dead. Maybe it's because of the healthcare system too, treatment is both cheap and top notch.
It's good to hear that you are feeling better, even if it looks like it took time. I remember a time where everyone was saying that if you got it one time, you're immune. What bullshit.
Let's be careful and as positive as we can, my friend! We can't let Covid ruin everything!
Who could say that save his life?
It was a year ago, so they is nothing to worryš
But no seriously, your words deeply touched me, I feel blessed. Thank you so much! I wish you the best in the world!
It's like I only experienced the worst place there is, to be able to understand how absolutely terrific my new workplace is. It's so good to be so grateful for everything all day every day! Even my private life has changed to the better. I had lost the motivation to do anything, but now I am progressing every day.
Good bye procrastination!! And hello again, PrOn!! XD
Again, I'm so glad to see you're doing so much better and I hope life continues to go well for you. While we love your animations, we also understand that your life and it's issues come first. Do whatever you must, those who love you will still be here.
It's good to know you're in a better place after you stumbled upon the kind of workplace that can't treat people humanly! I'm so glad for you!
Thanks for the encouragements and comprehension! Till yesterday I've been animating non-stop as soon as my work was finished! How I missed my little MS Paint window! :)
For being an excellent animator and for being a great person overall
Thanks, Doc
Don't feel sorry, but please you don't have to draw anything just to check in. Stay strong!
I'm so sorry to have worried you so much. I was trapped, I have no other words. When you're an immigrant and everything, including your visa, depends on your health and your capacity to work, the idea of getting cancer equals to losing everything. I always have been able to afford healthcare for injuries and illnesses, but cancer treatment and possibly, surgery? I've spent one night at the hospital after my accident and simply refused to stay longer despite the doctor's advice, and I'm glad I did because the bill for that one night and a single MRI scan was horrible. Without my healthcare cover it would have been 5 times more expensive, but still.
And I have patients who have cancer, so I know in what pain they are. No way you can work when you're in that state. So really, I thought this was the end (plus I had these 'anomalies' in three different places! Can you believe it was nothing but water?? I still can't. What I am, a new breed of camel??).
But I suppose it's like what they say, when you've reached the bottom, the only way that remains is UP. So I fought as hard as I could, and here I am.
It's like I was hibernating so I have stocks of unused energy. I've been animating non-stop for hours now, it's exhilarating! My libido is back full force too, so the result is going to be sooooo nasty, you have no idea!
Plus you're here!! My Jubell is here!! What a glorious day!! Thank you for being the awesome person I know you've always been, it's such an honor to know you. Sorry again for frightening you. All is well now.
Time for PRON!!!1!1!!
I think as artists we often feel that we have to produce work in order to be in a certain space. Like, we often feel unwelcome unless we arrive with art in our hands like bringing wine to a party. Because otherwise we feel as if we're taking advantage of fans or just whining when we could be doing something productive. I think seeing terrible things and your libido sliding only make it worse because then you don't WANT to touch NSFW stuff (like you mentioned in your post). You really do feel like you have to hibernate for a while and recover or heal.
And having water show up in an x-ray is so crazy. I guess your body just decided to store some in case a drought came along? Better it does that than the awful alternative you faced. I can only imagine you were both scared and depressed at the time. If something like that happens you can always reach out to someone like me, even through the private messaging on here. You'll at least have someone to listen to you. And those costs...that's why I try not to do anything in a hospital in the U.S. if I can manage it. Even with my insurance I know the costs will be through the roof. -_-
And yes, we can rejoice because your creativity has been energized again! It's good you've found a good place and may it remain that way! I'm rooting for you!
You described so perfectly what I feel every time I felt like I had to come back with something. I suppose it's something a lot of artists have in common. It's a little sad to that we would feel like we're using people when we don't. There is a person behind the artists, after all.
And about the water, my doctor tolds me it's in fact quite common when you're 40+. It7s not very well known because a lot of people spend all their lives without needing to take any MRI, so they never know they are storing water.
"Renal cysts are sacs of fluid that form in the kidneys. They are usually characterized as "simple" cysts, meaning they have a thin wall and contain water-like fluid. Renal cysts become fairly common as people age and usually do not cause symptoms or harm.
Because they rarely cause symptoms, renal cysts are most often found during imaging tests performed for other reasons. "
I had no symptoms and it doesn't even need treatment, so I was really lucky, but thank you for reaching out, because yes it was really scary. And Jubell, if you ever need to talk to someone, please contact me too. I'll be there for you. I want to.
Now, back to pRoN! I've got two Bison and Vegeta animations waiting!
And you'll hear no judgements from me, take the time you need when you need it. Your mental health is more important.
Good that it's all finished and I can revert back to who I am and enjoy like (and PrOn) again.
Thanks for the comprehension too, it's very encouraging.