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Can you excuse some venting from me?
4 years ago
It's just that...when i first arrived at this university i was so motivated to do something and i worked /really hard/ the first 2 years, to the point were i went to the hospital a few times for my glycemia dropping to dangerous levels(i wasn't eating, i would order food, look at it and couldn't eat at all, just kept vomiting and ending up crying because i would waste it by throwing it away) and getting sick from stress. I also used to have a lot of sleepless nights and panic attacks because i always felt like i was on the brink of death and was afraid of sleeping. But even so...back then i had people that mattered to me a whole lot and i was...motivated to struggle and fight for them. But...that changed, stress got the best of me and i think i pissed off those people because they just decided to move on from me and leave me alone. And i in turn have also decided to push them away for their own good, seeing that they aren't happy with me. I have been struggling so much to let certain people go, i would stalk their page and only get even angrier seeing them being perfectly happy, even living a better life with out me in the picture. It's been 2 months since i've forced myself to not check their pages but there are some times when the urge is so strong i'm feeling like i'm loosing the battle. I know i will be drowned in anger and sadness if i give in and i'm afraid of losing the small bit of control i have over myself. I feel like i'm in rehab and counting the days from when i last used drugs.
Back to the university...ever since then i became utterly uninterested about everything here. I love what we study here at this university but i don't see myself as a vet. I'm too fucking clumsy and stupid...my grades are horrible, barely passing just because i procrastinate and can't find anything to push me forward. I always feel like i'm the last in the class, like i'm clueless and just drifting away. I'm barely holding on above the surface but the thing that scares me is that unlike in my first year, the idea of failing isn't even scaring me enough to struggle hard anymore. I just feel like going down, sinking to the bottom until there is nowhere lower i can get.
sigh, whatever...
Back to the university...ever since then i became utterly uninterested about everything here. I love what we study here at this university but i don't see myself as a vet. I'm too fucking clumsy and stupid...my grades are horrible, barely passing just because i procrastinate and can't find anything to push me forward. I always feel like i'm the last in the class, like i'm clueless and just drifting away. I'm barely holding on above the surface but the thing that scares me is that unlike in my first year, the idea of failing isn't even scaring me enough to struggle hard anymore. I just feel like going down, sinking to the bottom until there is nowhere lower i can get.
sigh, whatever...
I won't go into telling you what to do, as this is your place to vent and you should do so. I hope you find yourself feeling better soon and in a place you're excited for what you're doing (whatever that is, even if it's not vet school) and feeling better again. I suppose I will just tell you to try and be gentle with yourself; you seem like you work really hard and expect a lot of yourself!
But yeah..i still have hope that things will be better...
It took professional help me to be able to rise out of it.
Depression's not the end, man. It isn't the only way to live (people who suffer from depression believe it is the only way they'll ever live). Seek professional help. Or just join a group. Get involved with people with similar problems. I did overeater's anonymous, myself, and it helped.
Trust me, life is a incredible place to be. Those who suffer from depression can't believe this, of course - but with help, real help, you'll get to start believing it, too.
I did. And that ray of sunshine was absolutely marvelous when I got to see it for the first time.
But it gives me hope to hear about people who have gone trough a similar pain and are now doing better. I'm also going to therapy but it sometimes irks me that i have to pay so much money just because i'm....ill with an illness that on many occasions feel like it will always be there, no matter what i do.
I hope therapy will help you to cope with it. because with so many things, there is no healing. it will always be there... but so are we. *hugs*
I have been feeling slightly better, i'm not crying everyday anymore but i still have moments of breakdown. One good thing that came out of my depression is that my anxiety levels have lowered due to the fact that i don't care about anything anymore and thus i'm eating better now.
Thank you for your support! *hugs* it really means a lot to me to be able to talk about this with others.
hey, you managed to fight your anxiety? that's good news! now on to the remaining devils. :hugs:
I just don't want to fall in such a deep pit for anybody ever again...i'm done with that.
Yeah, my anxiety is pretty much gone! It's a great tool for working with big animals i used to be a bit afraid of them before. Now i feel really comfortable with them! I think that is one of the few things i can say i'm good at, working even with cattle or horses that seem a bit difficult (i haven't met really bad ones yet tho) but i mean animals at our school that others are a bit afraid of. And i'm sincerely proud of myself for that because, living in a city my whole life i barely had any contact with these animals.
But yeah! Let's hope for a brighter tomorrow! <3