I went absent for a couple years there. Mainly, the passing of my mom hit me hard, but I also decided to go back to college for engineering. I put a lot of furry stuff on hold so I could focus on it, but I also looked back at how I was when I first got into the fandom.

I was an awful person. And I mean shamefully awful. I had good friends that somehow managed to overlook it for some time, but eventually they noticed it too. Usually before I did. When I realized just how rotten of a person I was being, it hit hard. I grew secluded and distant. I stopped talking to all but maybe 5 furries? Even then, I could see I wasn't being a good friend to them either. I spent a long time just hating on myself, feeling like I shouldn't get close to people because in the end I would probably hurt them. Thankfully, I feel like I've made progress on bettering myself, so I would like to think I've changed.

I used to feel like I had social confidence, but after reflecting and seeing myself, I lost it all. My self esteem plummeted and now I struggle to even say hello to strangers. T Even though I'm now engaged to a wonderful bun, have a good job in my field, and have friends that I love dearly, I still struggle to have conversations with people or even just leave comments on things. Some of my friends have been using VR Chat a lot and I've gotten so many invites to join them, but I can't even bring myself to download it. It takes me 30 minutes to work myself up to make a phone call. Doctor's appointments and the like can take me hours to do just because I sit there completely frazzled on the inside. Even this journal has been a struggle because I don't know if I should say any of this or just the first two sentences plus "Maybe I'll do things here again." I've gone this far, so I figure I'll post it.

If you read this, thanks. I did this journal more for myself than anything really.
TL;DR : I was absent cause school and cause I was a bad person, but now I'm scared to talk.