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Sometimes...
4 years ago
Scribbling nonsense all across the board like jaguars leaping from trees of leather bodices encasing aged withered corpses whose eyes dazzle with the light of one million and three silver satellites flying over Los Angeles hiding illegal immigrants from Irish potato farms built atop the golden ruins of El Dorado filled with demonic Ewoks hurling tremendous tankards of tons of Tylenol at the panda bear ninjas that hide around every corner of the magic square building trying desperately to pull up its skirt and set roots on another cubic square inch of the board upon which I am scribbling nonsense.
I'm not sure what's keeping me here in my online circles.
I just want to have connections with people.
I want to share interests.
I want to engage in discussions.
I want to make a difference.
I haven't felt any of that in a long, long time.
I don't know what it means to be friends with someone anymore.
Lots of acquaintances tell me that we're close with little action to back that up.
It's far too consistently the case that I sit around getting no activity.
Every time I think I'm going to have a step forward I just bleed myself dry for nothing.
It feels like there's nothing for me here anymore.
But I don't have anywhere else to go.
I don't know what I'm doing wrong.
I just want to have connections with people.
I want to share interests.
I want to engage in discussions.
I want to make a difference.
I haven't felt any of that in a long, long time.
I don't know what it means to be friends with someone anymore.
Lots of acquaintances tell me that we're close with little action to back that up.
It's far too consistently the case that I sit around getting no activity.
Every time I think I'm going to have a step forward I just bleed myself dry for nothing.
It feels like there's nothing for me here anymore.
But I don't have anywhere else to go.
I don't know what I'm doing wrong.
The only solution I can see is to cut myself off from everything that I know and pursue something completely different for my life, but I don't want to believe that the path I'm on is unsustainable.
Lowering your expectations may not necessarily feel like a win, but it will save you from being disappointed. It's not much but it's a start at least.
But it's not so easy to lower my expectations when they're just about at rock bottom.
I don't feel like what I want should be unreasonable considering it's what I see to be the case for my peers. If I'm doing something I shouldn't be, then certainly no one's bothered to tell me.