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Reflection is Healthy for the Soul
4 years ago
General
So I've been going back and looking at my old journals... God there is some serious cringe in them. I'd say go check it out and laugh at me with me, but I'm so bloody well mortified that I just uh, kicked them aside :3
But seriously... I made those journals back in the day knowing I wasn't in a good state of mind. I left them... for myself... and for the people I loved to be able to look back at those and say "damn I was f*cked up. Look how far I've come... Look how far I still have to go." There's an old bluegrass song about a man on the Christian walk thru life, (don't worry I wont preach) and the chorus is, (paraphrasing here,) "I aint the man that I oughta be, and boy I aint the man that I wanna be. But thank god I ain't the man that I used to be." and... You know I gotta say that certainly applies to how I feel about myself, even just two years ago.
Along the way I've learned about myself. My weaknesses, my tendencies... I used to be this hopeless romantic... Well I still am but thats an aside~ But I used to be this hopeless romantic who, I didn't want anything in life. I didn't want no mansion, or a bunch of money, or really fast cars, or any of that. I just... what I wanted was to find a woman and make her happy, put her on the throne of my life, and make her feel truly loved and gifted, the luckiest woman in the world who would never again know loneliness, while I'd be her hero that tended to every little thing that bothered her.
Psh... great fantasy right? But, when you think about it, and I did... boy is that pathetic. I literally used to say "life lived alone isn't worth living." And yeah, after a breakup with someone I loved very dearly, I felt that so deep and so true it defined me. I still agree that being alone fucking sucks lol, but, you know, I'm not in the mood anymore to say it isn't worth living. There's plenty worth living for. Some of it is to experience the best life has to offer in the forms of emotional gratification. Happiness, delight, joy, even love. A sense of accomplishment goes a long ways.
And some of it is to be there for others who need you. I still remember this girl, Victoria. She was... like... 15? I was 18 at the time working at a youth camp. We mainly had foster kids come in 150-200 at a time and stay the weekend, we did fishing, boating, horseback rides, archery classes and all that, (I taught in that archery class) but, one time in 2015 there was this girl right? Her attire was gothic but she didn't have the makeup. Very quiet, very held back, didn't talk to the other kids. And I noticed her hanging out by herself, looking miserable with life. I could tell that she was thinking about how shitty it was all these kids around her were having fun and she wasn't. So I went over and talked to her over the course of... I think half an hour? Maybe an hour, don't really remember. But when I was done, I gave her a book with a bunch of short stories in it, some of which were about women in ancient times who thru their bravery and courage and holding to what they believed in, changed the world...
Her counselors came to me the next day. They started in, very appropriately I might add, that it was questionable of me to be alone with her for an hour, but that she told them everything I did and, she was a changed person, she was out running around with the other kids, laughing and playing, when we put a movie on she had people practically leaning on her as they shared jokes and they were all dying of laughter. She showed up for dinner, socialized, was one of the last people out... She changed. And that, that feeling right there? That shit is what I live for. And I made the mistake of narrowing my focus to "the one," basically telling myself I'd only bother to do that to whomever was going to be my wife. No, I think the world could use more support, and I've been trying to open back up and share whatever gift I might have. I haven't yet seen anything near on the level of that one kid 6 years ago,
I'm not who I was 2 years ago. 2 years ago, I was afraid of flirting, afraid of "adult stuff huehuehue" like, legitimately afraid to the point of having anxiety attacks. I always introduced myself as the burden that you don't need in your life, or similar self loathing titles, and hell, that all got doubled down on last September when I got hit with the double whammy of loosing the love of my life, and was completely ostracized from everyone I knew online. I wanted to die. And, I suppose in a way I did. Piece by piece since then I've been rebuilding everything about myself, and before where I'd stress the f*ck out because my GF hadn't told me she loved me in almost 12 hours, now my stress just comes from misreading people in social situations and being Unemployed WHICH AS OF RIGHT NOW IS NO LONGER A PROBLEM. Sure I still get a bit down in the dumps when depression comes along and does its bullshit, "you'll never find someone, you're a waste, everyone hates you and just isn't man enough to say it" but... it doesn't hold the same grip over me as it used to.
So, it begs the question. Who am I? Well, I'm Leviticus obviously. This, person... this dragon that looks like coffee with a bit too much cream and a weird beard in the fluff with a scar over one eye and derpfangies... He's me. Not in an otherkin kind of way either. He's me when I can be myself because online anonymity means I don't have to hide (as much.) And who is he? Well,
He's a romantic who loves to lavish on his wife at every chance, even if it means being cheesy with the flirts and one liners. And boy does he love it when she has her way with him as a reward for his unconditional love.
He's a nerd who's a fan of all things outer space and has a few hobbies, and has found a way to mix his hobby into his working life so that work isn't just a paycheck.
He's someone who's willing to try most anything atleast once, and speak his mind about his experiences.
He's a friend to a close few that he loves almost as much as family.
He's someone who stands up for what he believes in,
And he's someone who doesn't give naysayers a chance to start shit. You can be nice and polite and wholesome while still avoiding bullshit. Ya just gotta put your foot down and be willing to hold a no-compromise stance.
Blessed relief... peace even. It feels good to have my life moving in a good direction again. Maybe one day I'll actually meet Fahroe and she won't be just an idea anymore. That'd be a trip. But until then, gotta keep walkin here, life's a journey and what you do is a story for those who come after you. I don't want to be a sob story. I want to be an inspiring one with a great ending.
Thank all of you who've been so supportive during these last several months, you know who you are and I love you guys as wholesomely as I can, even if I'm totally derp when showing it.
Take care everyone, and chin up, if you've been where I've been then I can enthusiastically say, it won't last long. Just believe, and keep putting one foot infront of the other. Don't be afraid to cry out when you need it either. Even when you feel so cripplingly stranded and forgotten... because that's when you need to reach out the most.
But seriously... I made those journals back in the day knowing I wasn't in a good state of mind. I left them... for myself... and for the people I loved to be able to look back at those and say "damn I was f*cked up. Look how far I've come... Look how far I still have to go." There's an old bluegrass song about a man on the Christian walk thru life, (don't worry I wont preach) and the chorus is, (paraphrasing here,) "I aint the man that I oughta be, and boy I aint the man that I wanna be. But thank god I ain't the man that I used to be." and... You know I gotta say that certainly applies to how I feel about myself, even just two years ago.
Along the way I've learned about myself. My weaknesses, my tendencies... I used to be this hopeless romantic... Well I still am but thats an aside~ But I used to be this hopeless romantic who, I didn't want anything in life. I didn't want no mansion, or a bunch of money, or really fast cars, or any of that. I just... what I wanted was to find a woman and make her happy, put her on the throne of my life, and make her feel truly loved and gifted, the luckiest woman in the world who would never again know loneliness, while I'd be her hero that tended to every little thing that bothered her.
Psh... great fantasy right? But, when you think about it, and I did... boy is that pathetic. I literally used to say "life lived alone isn't worth living." And yeah, after a breakup with someone I loved very dearly, I felt that so deep and so true it defined me. I still agree that being alone fucking sucks lol, but, you know, I'm not in the mood anymore to say it isn't worth living. There's plenty worth living for. Some of it is to experience the best life has to offer in the forms of emotional gratification. Happiness, delight, joy, even love. A sense of accomplishment goes a long ways.
And some of it is to be there for others who need you. I still remember this girl, Victoria. She was... like... 15? I was 18 at the time working at a youth camp. We mainly had foster kids come in 150-200 at a time and stay the weekend, we did fishing, boating, horseback rides, archery classes and all that, (I taught in that archery class) but, one time in 2015 there was this girl right? Her attire was gothic but she didn't have the makeup. Very quiet, very held back, didn't talk to the other kids. And I noticed her hanging out by herself, looking miserable with life. I could tell that she was thinking about how shitty it was all these kids around her were having fun and she wasn't. So I went over and talked to her over the course of... I think half an hour? Maybe an hour, don't really remember. But when I was done, I gave her a book with a bunch of short stories in it, some of which were about women in ancient times who thru their bravery and courage and holding to what they believed in, changed the world...
Her counselors came to me the next day. They started in, very appropriately I might add, that it was questionable of me to be alone with her for an hour, but that she told them everything I did and, she was a changed person, she was out running around with the other kids, laughing and playing, when we put a movie on she had people practically leaning on her as they shared jokes and they were all dying of laughter. She showed up for dinner, socialized, was one of the last people out... She changed. And that, that feeling right there? That shit is what I live for. And I made the mistake of narrowing my focus to "the one," basically telling myself I'd only bother to do that to whomever was going to be my wife. No, I think the world could use more support, and I've been trying to open back up and share whatever gift I might have. I haven't yet seen anything near on the level of that one kid 6 years ago,
I'm not who I was 2 years ago. 2 years ago, I was afraid of flirting, afraid of "adult stuff huehuehue" like, legitimately afraid to the point of having anxiety attacks. I always introduced myself as the burden that you don't need in your life, or similar self loathing titles, and hell, that all got doubled down on last September when I got hit with the double whammy of loosing the love of my life, and was completely ostracized from everyone I knew online. I wanted to die. And, I suppose in a way I did. Piece by piece since then I've been rebuilding everything about myself, and before where I'd stress the f*ck out because my GF hadn't told me she loved me in almost 12 hours, now my stress just comes from misreading people in social situations and being Unemployed WHICH AS OF RIGHT NOW IS NO LONGER A PROBLEM. Sure I still get a bit down in the dumps when depression comes along and does its bullshit, "you'll never find someone, you're a waste, everyone hates you and just isn't man enough to say it" but... it doesn't hold the same grip over me as it used to.
So, it begs the question. Who am I? Well, I'm Leviticus obviously. This, person... this dragon that looks like coffee with a bit too much cream and a weird beard in the fluff with a scar over one eye and derpfangies... He's me. Not in an otherkin kind of way either. He's me when I can be myself because online anonymity means I don't have to hide (as much.) And who is he? Well,
He's a romantic who loves to lavish on his wife at every chance, even if it means being cheesy with the flirts and one liners. And boy does he love it when she has her way with him as a reward for his unconditional love.
He's a nerd who's a fan of all things outer space and has a few hobbies, and has found a way to mix his hobby into his working life so that work isn't just a paycheck.
He's someone who's willing to try most anything atleast once, and speak his mind about his experiences.
He's a friend to a close few that he loves almost as much as family.
He's someone who stands up for what he believes in,
And he's someone who doesn't give naysayers a chance to start shit. You can be nice and polite and wholesome while still avoiding bullshit. Ya just gotta put your foot down and be willing to hold a no-compromise stance.
Blessed relief... peace even. It feels good to have my life moving in a good direction again. Maybe one day I'll actually meet Fahroe and she won't be just an idea anymore. That'd be a trip. But until then, gotta keep walkin here, life's a journey and what you do is a story for those who come after you. I don't want to be a sob story. I want to be an inspiring one with a great ending.
Thank all of you who've been so supportive during these last several months, you know who you are and I love you guys as wholesomely as I can, even if I'm totally derp when showing it.
Take care everyone, and chin up, if you've been where I've been then I can enthusiastically say, it won't last long. Just believe, and keep putting one foot infront of the other. Don't be afraid to cry out when you need it either. Even when you feel so cripplingly stranded and forgotten... because that's when you need to reach out the most.
I just wanted to tell you that, I am very happy for everything that you have advanced in your life, and for remaining firm and optimistic in the face of adversity, it is something that I always admire about you since I met you and knew the challenges to face. Anyway... keep it up Levi, never give up and achieve your dreams and goals! :3
Hugs.