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A peek into the editing process
4 years ago
I enjoyed sharing a first draft/second draft comparison on Twitter a while back, so here's a quick look at the first draft and final draft of the opening to my recent story "The Upgrade," followed by some commentary on it.
* * *
First draft:
"Rabia, are you ready?" Dr. Holmgren asked. She looked down at the short fennec android who stood by her side. They were in a narrow alleyway filled to the brim with odd shops with little to distinguish them besides a sign over the door. There was no window-shopping in this part of the district.
The android chewed her lip nervously. Like all androids, she had once been human, and in the transition from fresh-and-blood to metal-and-wire, most habits remained. It did not matter that her lips now fit a contour of a different face: the action was the same.
"We can come back another time, if you prefer."
"But you spent all your time driving out here." The fennec looked up at her sadly.
"Your health and safety is more important than the mileage on my car."
The fennec took a deep breath, another irrelevant habit. She had no lungs. "But I need to do this, sooner or later. So let's do it!" Rabia sprung forward and pushed open the door.
Dr. Holmgren chuckled to herself for a moment, and followed her into the shop.
The front of the shop was almost bare outside of two model: both androids who stood in dynamic poses and shifted between them every few seconds. The back of their heads were open to show that there was no brain inside. These were blanks, just robots.
The fennec stepped up to the counter and rang the bell there.
* * *
Final draft:
"Rabia, are you ready?" Dr. Holmgren asked.
Beside her was a short fennec android. As the android bounced from foot to foot, her eyes flitted from side to side. They were in a narrow alleyway filled to the brim with odd shops with little to distinguish them besides a sign over the door and maybe a sandwich board outside. These shops were eclectic specialty stores that needed little traffic. The alley was empty besides the one human and the one android; there was no one to see how anxious the latter was.
When she didn't receive an answer, Dr. Holmgren went on. "It's all right to not be ready yet. Transition takes time, and you've made such good progress already."
"But you took the day off to drive me out here," Rabia said, ignoring the point of Dr. Holmgren's words. Her voice sounded off in her ears. It always sounded off though. They had tried to simulate the way her old human voice had sounded, before the accident, before her brain got shoved into a chrome and titanium shell; but for all their work, they never got the tone quite right.
Dr. Holmgren laid a hand on Rabia's shoulder, thumb stroking over the thin artificial fur. "Your health and safety are far more important than the mileage on my car."
The fennec took a deep breath, an irrelevant habit. She had no lungs. But it calmed her all the same. Habits like those, Dr. Holmgren liked to say, were important to remind Rabia that underneath the faux fur and metal and wires, she was ultimately still human, she was still alive. There had been times, in the months of transitional therapy with Dr. Holmgren, where she hadn't been sure. She had had to relearn how to walk and talk and smile, and even see and hear.
But now she was walking and talking and smiling with ease. For all the struggles of going from human to android, there were starting to be some payouts too. Behind her, Rabia's tail started to wag. She liked that tail. And being a fennec! She'd always loved the little sand foxes; her mama always said she had the energy of one. If Rabia played her cards right, there might be some extra payouts today as well.
"I need to do this sooner or later," she said. "And I want to do it now. For me."
Dr. Holmgren gave Rabia's shoulder a squeeze and followed the fennec marching into the shop.
The front of the shop was almost a disappointment to Rabia after her fist-pumping eagerness to get in. There was a front desk with a bell and a shoddy computer, a calendar on the wall, and two android models. That was it. The two androids stood in dynamic poses and shifted between them every few seconds. The back of their heads were open to show that there was no brain inside. These were blanks, just robots. Like all androids, they were modeled after canines. There were too many ethical dilemmas with an android chassis potentially looking like a famous human, but you didn't want androids to look too alien either. So canines were the compromise.
* * *
So why did I make these changes?
In the first draft, I had initially conceived of the opening scene as being from the perspective of Dr. Holmgren, but as I wrote it, I quickly realized that Rabia needed to be the focus. So in the final version, I spend a lot more time getting into Rabia's mental space and seeing the world as she sees it.
Also I was unsatisfied with Rabia's personality. She was just generically unsure of herself, and I wanted there to be more nuance and depth to her character. So I spent a lot of time in the final draft emphasizing different aspects of her character, the way she bounces on her feet, the way that the world feels slightly off to her, her anxiety but also her desire to move past it. Each of these was also dramatized in some way.
And that's it for today. I hope you enjoyed this peek behind the writing curtain.
* * *
First draft:
"Rabia, are you ready?" Dr. Holmgren asked. She looked down at the short fennec android who stood by her side. They were in a narrow alleyway filled to the brim with odd shops with little to distinguish them besides a sign over the door. There was no window-shopping in this part of the district.
The android chewed her lip nervously. Like all androids, she had once been human, and in the transition from fresh-and-blood to metal-and-wire, most habits remained. It did not matter that her lips now fit a contour of a different face: the action was the same.
"We can come back another time, if you prefer."
"But you spent all your time driving out here." The fennec looked up at her sadly.
"Your health and safety is more important than the mileage on my car."
The fennec took a deep breath, another irrelevant habit. She had no lungs. "But I need to do this, sooner or later. So let's do it!" Rabia sprung forward and pushed open the door.
Dr. Holmgren chuckled to herself for a moment, and followed her into the shop.
The front of the shop was almost bare outside of two model: both androids who stood in dynamic poses and shifted between them every few seconds. The back of their heads were open to show that there was no brain inside. These were blanks, just robots.
The fennec stepped up to the counter and rang the bell there.
* * *
Final draft:
"Rabia, are you ready?" Dr. Holmgren asked.
Beside her was a short fennec android. As the android bounced from foot to foot, her eyes flitted from side to side. They were in a narrow alleyway filled to the brim with odd shops with little to distinguish them besides a sign over the door and maybe a sandwich board outside. These shops were eclectic specialty stores that needed little traffic. The alley was empty besides the one human and the one android; there was no one to see how anxious the latter was.
When she didn't receive an answer, Dr. Holmgren went on. "It's all right to not be ready yet. Transition takes time, and you've made such good progress already."
"But you took the day off to drive me out here," Rabia said, ignoring the point of Dr. Holmgren's words. Her voice sounded off in her ears. It always sounded off though. They had tried to simulate the way her old human voice had sounded, before the accident, before her brain got shoved into a chrome and titanium shell; but for all their work, they never got the tone quite right.
Dr. Holmgren laid a hand on Rabia's shoulder, thumb stroking over the thin artificial fur. "Your health and safety are far more important than the mileage on my car."
The fennec took a deep breath, an irrelevant habit. She had no lungs. But it calmed her all the same. Habits like those, Dr. Holmgren liked to say, were important to remind Rabia that underneath the faux fur and metal and wires, she was ultimately still human, she was still alive. There had been times, in the months of transitional therapy with Dr. Holmgren, where she hadn't been sure. She had had to relearn how to walk and talk and smile, and even see and hear.
But now she was walking and talking and smiling with ease. For all the struggles of going from human to android, there were starting to be some payouts too. Behind her, Rabia's tail started to wag. She liked that tail. And being a fennec! She'd always loved the little sand foxes; her mama always said she had the energy of one. If Rabia played her cards right, there might be some extra payouts today as well.
"I need to do this sooner or later," she said. "And I want to do it now. For me."
Dr. Holmgren gave Rabia's shoulder a squeeze and followed the fennec marching into the shop.
The front of the shop was almost a disappointment to Rabia after her fist-pumping eagerness to get in. There was a front desk with a bell and a shoddy computer, a calendar on the wall, and two android models. That was it. The two androids stood in dynamic poses and shifted between them every few seconds. The back of their heads were open to show that there was no brain inside. These were blanks, just robots. Like all androids, they were modeled after canines. There were too many ethical dilemmas with an android chassis potentially looking like a famous human, but you didn't want androids to look too alien either. So canines were the compromise.
* * *
So why did I make these changes?
In the first draft, I had initially conceived of the opening scene as being from the perspective of Dr. Holmgren, but as I wrote it, I quickly realized that Rabia needed to be the focus. So in the final version, I spend a lot more time getting into Rabia's mental space and seeing the world as she sees it.
Also I was unsatisfied with Rabia's personality. She was just generically unsure of herself, and I wanted there to be more nuance and depth to her character. So I spent a lot of time in the final draft emphasizing different aspects of her character, the way she bounces on her feet, the way that the world feels slightly off to her, her anxiety but also her desire to move past it. Each of these was also dramatized in some way.
And that's it for today. I hope you enjoyed this peek behind the writing curtain.
