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//vent// tw suicidal ideation, depression, anxiety
4 years ago
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I just
This is a huge trauma for me.
When I was a lot younger, I developed this bad habit (I admit I still have) of self punishment. A few years later, I developed suicidal thoughts as self punishment. I felt depressed all the time because I blamed myself for everything and it grew. I told a few friends who told the counselor who told my parents and oh boy! Basically my family found out and I was told “You’re faking it for attention”. What’s even worse is that I fucking believed them. I buried it all and for a few years it was fine-on the surface. Then all the pain burst forth plus anxiety and then people admitted it. Then another few years elapsed and finally some fucking help.
TL;DR I was told I was faking my suicidal thoughts, buried it, and then it showed up meaner. It was really hard.
This is a huge trauma for me.
When I was a lot younger, I developed this bad habit (I admit I still have) of self punishment. A few years later, I developed suicidal thoughts as self punishment. I felt depressed all the time because I blamed myself for everything and it grew. I told a few friends who told the counselor who told my parents and oh boy! Basically my family found out and I was told “You’re faking it for attention”. What’s even worse is that I fucking believed them. I buried it all and for a few years it was fine-on the surface. Then all the pain burst forth plus anxiety and then people admitted it. Then another few years elapsed and finally some fucking help.
TL;DR I was told I was faking my suicidal thoughts, buried it, and then it showed up meaner. It was really hard.
That's no excuse though- just because someone doesn't want to deal with someone's suffering is not an excuse to gaslight them into thinking they are "Faking it for attention". Like you said, it rears its ugly head later on with a vengeance, worse off than the last time. Bottling things up and pretending our problems don't exist unfortunately makes things all the worse. I did that for many years.
I'm really sorry that you had to go through this and people you cared about tried to gaslight you into thinking you were making things up. I'm very glad to hear that you've found help though; having help and support through your issues is so important! <3
I'm hear to talk if you ever need to vent.
It’s been a tough trauma to get over, especially since the words “You’re just faking it for attention” cut more than one’d expect.
Just remember to always trust your feelings and emotions- you know them more than anyone else!