FA+
Shop
Two years.
4 years ago
General
The last time I posted was October 2019.
After that, the world went crazy.
I spent 2020, and now 2021 focused on survival. Not thriving, but surviving.
I've been put through the ringer and have only just barely come out the other side.
I worked so hard too.
But now I'm back at square zero.
No mate, no job, trauma and ptsd for days, and a sense of loneliness that rolls the soul out.
But I haven't given up at least.
I have stuff I'll talk about, but I want to make it clear I'm about to cover some triggering stuff so yeah...
2020 was the pandemic. I had a job thank goodness, but I was barely making enough.
I was so tired, and I dealt with drama and stupidity that knew no bound with several of my regular customers. Eventually 2020 passed. I thought 2021 would be better.
Instead my mate and I separated. It was a private matter and yet even afterward we are still close and care about each other. He is a good man, we just are at different points in our lives.
Not long after, the unthinkable happened. Someone I knew personally and was close to, who's wife and children I knew, tricked me, took advantage of me, and raped me.
It fucked me up so bad... just...I would have been dead had it not been for a friend who dragged me to a health place. I had everything prepared, letters written, my well updated, even knew what and how. Which honestly isn't that difficult, I already suffer from suicidal ideation.
So I spent a couple weeks in the hospital, they adjusted my meds and when I got out I was seeing a therapist to work things out.
Home life was a challenge, my attitude is new, different, incomprehensible. My poor roommate had no idea how to respond, and with his own stress there was tension, which made things more difficult. We are still working things out.
Going back to my job I found they reversed the ban on my rapist because, and I quote "What happened was a personal matter off the clock. " . So he'd show up multiple times a week and use my register, he'd harass me and make passing comments. I just got my teeth and beard it. The cops had already proven useless when I filed a report. Plus I couldn't afford not to work. So I bit the bullet and I dealt with it for a good while.
I eventually snapped again. I was just tired and angry and felt like I had done all this for nothing. I should have never been convinced to go to the hospital, it had been a waste of time after all and taken every penny I had from me.
Instead though I just packed a bag, packed my cat, and left.
I came back after a few weeks. I soul searched and all that. Spent time with my mom, my dad. Reconnected with a few dear friends.
In still fucked up. Still dealing with and coping with trauma.
At least I am moving a little forward though.
After that, the world went crazy.
I spent 2020, and now 2021 focused on survival. Not thriving, but surviving.
I've been put through the ringer and have only just barely come out the other side.
I worked so hard too.
But now I'm back at square zero.
No mate, no job, trauma and ptsd for days, and a sense of loneliness that rolls the soul out.
But I haven't given up at least.
I have stuff I'll talk about, but I want to make it clear I'm about to cover some triggering stuff so yeah...
2020 was the pandemic. I had a job thank goodness, but I was barely making enough.
I was so tired, and I dealt with drama and stupidity that knew no bound with several of my regular customers. Eventually 2020 passed. I thought 2021 would be better.
Instead my mate and I separated. It was a private matter and yet even afterward we are still close and care about each other. He is a good man, we just are at different points in our lives.
Not long after, the unthinkable happened. Someone I knew personally and was close to, who's wife and children I knew, tricked me, took advantage of me, and raped me.
It fucked me up so bad... just...I would have been dead had it not been for a friend who dragged me to a health place. I had everything prepared, letters written, my well updated, even knew what and how. Which honestly isn't that difficult, I already suffer from suicidal ideation.
So I spent a couple weeks in the hospital, they adjusted my meds and when I got out I was seeing a therapist to work things out.
Home life was a challenge, my attitude is new, different, incomprehensible. My poor roommate had no idea how to respond, and with his own stress there was tension, which made things more difficult. We are still working things out.
Going back to my job I found they reversed the ban on my rapist because, and I quote "What happened was a personal matter off the clock. " . So he'd show up multiple times a week and use my register, he'd harass me and make passing comments. I just got my teeth and beard it. The cops had already proven useless when I filed a report. Plus I couldn't afford not to work. So I bit the bullet and I dealt with it for a good while.
I eventually snapped again. I was just tired and angry and felt like I had done all this for nothing. I should have never been convinced to go to the hospital, it had been a waste of time after all and taken every penny I had from me.
Instead though I just packed a bag, packed my cat, and left.
I came back after a few weeks. I soul searched and all that. Spent time with my mom, my dad. Reconnected with a few dear friends.
In still fucked up. Still dealing with and coping with trauma.
At least I am moving a little forward though.
And a fairly recent post. *sigh* What's with people these days? So much of the world has gone crazy. Were we really so close to insanity before these last few years? And if so, what's making it that way?
I am so sorry that stuff happened. I came here for a light-hearted reason and then I read this journal after my post was made. Should have done it in the other order. Be safe, and if you want to talk cynical philosophy, give me a poke. I try to objectively reflect on the state of the world in order to ground myself in the positives, few as they sometimes are. There's a chance that's not the type of presence you want right now though. And you should be quite familiar with my tactless honesty. |3
For what it's worth, you were a bright spot at the cons I saw you at. We weren't especially close, but you were supportive and cheerful. So, yeah... you never know what type of impression you leave on people.
The world's fucked, but hopefully you can find some close-circle people to trust and lean on. Not rely, but walk together with.