I am really not doing well right now. My partner of 13 years died on July 10th, and 45 days later I am, of course, still dealing with emotions. I am just incredibly lonely right now. My love is gone, and while I have found some new friends that seem genuinely concerned about me, I am still having a lot of trouble caring about myself. I just miss him so much! He died from a GI bleed, most likely due to an stomach ulcer. He was passing a lot of blood in his stool, and just passed it off to me as no big deal the night before. Apparently, he started passing a large amount of blood that night, and didn't call an ambulance until I woke up around 10 am. The part I don't understand is, why didn't he call the ambulance himself, instead of waiting for me to wake up? Did he not want to worry me? Did he think it was no big deal? Was the blood loss effecting his reasoning ability? He was not stupid, he knew this was dangerous because he had gone through a similar incident 5 years ago. Did he not care anymore, and just want to die? even if he knew how bad this would hurt me? I know I shouldn't beat myself up, it wasn't my fault, but I just can't shake the feeling that I was somehow responsible. I love him so much, he was the world to me, and now I'm alone and old, and will probably never know a similar love ever again. Doesn't help that I'm an ugly motherfucker. I just feel inherently unlovable. This isn't a new feeling, I'd sometimes ask him why he loved me, and he'd just say that I was "charming" what the fuck does that mean? charming? I know, this is just a big old fucking pity party, I need to grow the fuck up and just move on, or stop. I don't want to stop, but idk if anything will ever feel good again.