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My Deconversion Story - Part 2
4 years ago
General
So, I decided to end a rather fun evening from streaming with telling the rest of my story. The hardest bits are certainly behind me now, but there is more to share before everyone is aware exactly why I've become quite anti-religious in nature.
If you have any questions after reading this, please leave them below or send me a note about it.
The Awkward Return to Church
Following up on one of my promises to my parents, I decided to try to double down on things to get myself closer to God. That included more daily prayer, going to church on Friday nights and Sundays, and then agreeing to lead worship for months at a time. It was nice to be able to play my trombone again post my marching band retirement for a while. I decided to take heavier notes during sermons, which revealed a lot of ugly truths the more I looked back over them. I put the pieces together on how... utterly controlling the pastor wanted God in our lives. We were taught to distrust our own wisdom and that from the world itself. The Bible was divine, inerrant law after all. There was no point in faith if we didn't have a negative outlook on everyone else outside the "saved" population.
Another obstacle to overcome was commuting back to my parents from the town I worked in. It was nearly an hour drive each each, and that definitely ate into my free time to be with friends and game for sure. After a couple of years of this, I just started to feel I needed to break away bit by bit. It didn't help that I felt more awkward than ever to attend "Youth" services. The age gap was certainly too much for me to relate with anyone in a meaningful way. It had shrunk and resurfaced into quite a pathetic shell of itself. Eventually, I stopped attending those classes with my "friends" for Sunday school. I felt little to no relation with any of them anymore. They had become quite alien to me. The worst part about the church experience here was everyone harping on me on two things.
My career and my love life. I felt rather pathetic that I had my reasons to not pursue a relationship. It was hard enough thinking any woman would want me with my love and involvement in fetishy things in a fandom like Furries. I felt far closer to my circle of friends I met in conventions and friends of those friends. It was more rewarding to be around them than pretend I cared for anything in my former circle. And soon, there was a boiling point. I dared to suggest that Abortion shouldn't be viewed as murdered during a youth meeting. One person outright yelled and insulted me in front of everyone. It was a shouting match. I was screamed IT IS MURDER over and over again, and the Youth Leader there barely calmed things down. And around this time, I realized how things were shifting more dramatically than I was prepared for.
2016 Election Season - Rise of Christian Nationalism
That year was quite a big turning point for a lot of people, I imagine. It was clear that both sides were about to leap to their side of the aisle more than anticipated. Every single sermon at church revolved around the following topics.
- Antichrist and Book of Revelations
- How disgusting the secular world is (Mainly anti-LGBTQ+)
- Strengthening the faith through political endorsements
There was always some jab at what I believed in now. There was no hiding the hatred there anymore. This group of people felt so threatened by the shifting social status of America. So when a Facist leader decided to give them power back and a voice, it was horrifying to see them turn to such a man like a fucking messiah. And slowly, my disdain for my church and the entire movement grew. I stopped saying "Amen" after prayers, or keeping my eyes closed during them unless I was leading worship. I stopped taking notes during sermons. I found reasons to try to skip services every once in a while to get a damn break from the mess it created. And yet, that hardly helped the root cause.
For the next three years, it was absolutely miserable to step foot in the building. I hated what it had become. I hated that I was deceived for years under a book that cannot be proven sufficiently for me anymore. I belong to a group that wanted and PRAYED for a world stripped of free will, with "sinners" being punished as they deserved. Screw critical thinking. Screw empathy for the common man. It was God's way or the Hell Way. And I couldn't bear to keep pretending I cared for Christianity anymore.
The COVID Year - My Ticket to Freedom
I know it's hard to admit this, but I am glad the pandemic showed up when it did. With my church having the common decency to shut down in face meetings (much unlike MANY churches in America that held illegal meetings that got many sick), my parents stuck with online sermons. We were committed to not going back until things were normalized. But then, in the privacy of my parents home, I started to point out the issues I've noticed with the church and their movement. How it got too toxic and political, and how we should never go back. My dad sorta agreed with me like last time, but my mom was as stubborn as ever.
I tried poking the issue, until things blew up at an Olive Garden lunch. I explained why I think Hell is so STUPID and downright evil to believe in. Why the Bible cannot be trusted. Why it's foolish to throw away any science to keep the "validity" of clear myths people made up for thousands of years. It ended in tears for my mom again, but she seemed more accepting that I stepped over the line into Atheism at long last. But there is still much to ease her and my dad into. At the very least, they won't hate me for going after a secular woman to mate with. So I have truly free avenue to pursue love without that hanging over my head.
To this day, I still watch some online sermons with them, but I will now hold the ground of never stepping foot in a church as long as I live. It is not the environment I wish to poison my mind in again. I have found peace outside such circles. With all of you, my friends and acquaintances that understand me truly. Where I can be a lewd, divine pegasus of my own desires. To be who I want to be without judgement and harming others. I will continue to need guidance and strength from people here. People that matter more to me now than my own parents on the subject. I can't turn back now. To do so would be cowardly and an invitation to further mental decay.
I am Zeus. I am a free spirit. I do not bend the knee to any widely accepted God in this world. I prefer to be my OWN God. To lead others into a path of self discovery and passion. To not hide who they are. To fight the social norms to find equity against powers that wish to dominate them. I will be reflecting this more in some Persona 5 inspired art down the line. Because I choose to no longer follow the crowd on such matters. I will fight for humanity, the real humanity. Not the one ordained by a selfish group hell bent on controlling the world.
The only question I now have for those that follow me is... do you want to join this effort? Will you walk with me on this life path towards an uncertain future? I don't want to walk alone and I know I don't have to. I love so many people in my life. And I don't want to let the issue of faith ruin my potential for long lasting greatness in my life.
And with that... my story is concluded. I hope to bring more news of my progress of my future. Keep striving to be better, everyone. The world needs stronger people that can challenge the way things are. We can change humanity for the better if we stick together. Do not let religion win in the end. Help us evolve past such antiquated belief systems and let's find out ways to ensure the survival of our species for the long term. We are so much better than words in Holy Texts. Do not be deceived any longer. Only you know what is best for yourself.
If you have any questions after reading this, please leave them below or send me a note about it.
The Awkward Return to Church
Following up on one of my promises to my parents, I decided to try to double down on things to get myself closer to God. That included more daily prayer, going to church on Friday nights and Sundays, and then agreeing to lead worship for months at a time. It was nice to be able to play my trombone again post my marching band retirement for a while. I decided to take heavier notes during sermons, which revealed a lot of ugly truths the more I looked back over them. I put the pieces together on how... utterly controlling the pastor wanted God in our lives. We were taught to distrust our own wisdom and that from the world itself. The Bible was divine, inerrant law after all. There was no point in faith if we didn't have a negative outlook on everyone else outside the "saved" population.
Another obstacle to overcome was commuting back to my parents from the town I worked in. It was nearly an hour drive each each, and that definitely ate into my free time to be with friends and game for sure. After a couple of years of this, I just started to feel I needed to break away bit by bit. It didn't help that I felt more awkward than ever to attend "Youth" services. The age gap was certainly too much for me to relate with anyone in a meaningful way. It had shrunk and resurfaced into quite a pathetic shell of itself. Eventually, I stopped attending those classes with my "friends" for Sunday school. I felt little to no relation with any of them anymore. They had become quite alien to me. The worst part about the church experience here was everyone harping on me on two things.
My career and my love life. I felt rather pathetic that I had my reasons to not pursue a relationship. It was hard enough thinking any woman would want me with my love and involvement in fetishy things in a fandom like Furries. I felt far closer to my circle of friends I met in conventions and friends of those friends. It was more rewarding to be around them than pretend I cared for anything in my former circle. And soon, there was a boiling point. I dared to suggest that Abortion shouldn't be viewed as murdered during a youth meeting. One person outright yelled and insulted me in front of everyone. It was a shouting match. I was screamed IT IS MURDER over and over again, and the Youth Leader there barely calmed things down. And around this time, I realized how things were shifting more dramatically than I was prepared for.
2016 Election Season - Rise of Christian Nationalism
That year was quite a big turning point for a lot of people, I imagine. It was clear that both sides were about to leap to their side of the aisle more than anticipated. Every single sermon at church revolved around the following topics.
- Antichrist and Book of Revelations
- How disgusting the secular world is (Mainly anti-LGBTQ+)
- Strengthening the faith through political endorsements
There was always some jab at what I believed in now. There was no hiding the hatred there anymore. This group of people felt so threatened by the shifting social status of America. So when a Facist leader decided to give them power back and a voice, it was horrifying to see them turn to such a man like a fucking messiah. And slowly, my disdain for my church and the entire movement grew. I stopped saying "Amen" after prayers, or keeping my eyes closed during them unless I was leading worship. I stopped taking notes during sermons. I found reasons to try to skip services every once in a while to get a damn break from the mess it created. And yet, that hardly helped the root cause.
For the next three years, it was absolutely miserable to step foot in the building. I hated what it had become. I hated that I was deceived for years under a book that cannot be proven sufficiently for me anymore. I belong to a group that wanted and PRAYED for a world stripped of free will, with "sinners" being punished as they deserved. Screw critical thinking. Screw empathy for the common man. It was God's way or the Hell Way. And I couldn't bear to keep pretending I cared for Christianity anymore.
The COVID Year - My Ticket to Freedom
I know it's hard to admit this, but I am glad the pandemic showed up when it did. With my church having the common decency to shut down in face meetings (much unlike MANY churches in America that held illegal meetings that got many sick), my parents stuck with online sermons. We were committed to not going back until things were normalized. But then, in the privacy of my parents home, I started to point out the issues I've noticed with the church and their movement. How it got too toxic and political, and how we should never go back. My dad sorta agreed with me like last time, but my mom was as stubborn as ever.
I tried poking the issue, until things blew up at an Olive Garden lunch. I explained why I think Hell is so STUPID and downright evil to believe in. Why the Bible cannot be trusted. Why it's foolish to throw away any science to keep the "validity" of clear myths people made up for thousands of years. It ended in tears for my mom again, but she seemed more accepting that I stepped over the line into Atheism at long last. But there is still much to ease her and my dad into. At the very least, they won't hate me for going after a secular woman to mate with. So I have truly free avenue to pursue love without that hanging over my head.
To this day, I still watch some online sermons with them, but I will now hold the ground of never stepping foot in a church as long as I live. It is not the environment I wish to poison my mind in again. I have found peace outside such circles. With all of you, my friends and acquaintances that understand me truly. Where I can be a lewd, divine pegasus of my own desires. To be who I want to be without judgement and harming others. I will continue to need guidance and strength from people here. People that matter more to me now than my own parents on the subject. I can't turn back now. To do so would be cowardly and an invitation to further mental decay.
I am Zeus. I am a free spirit. I do not bend the knee to any widely accepted God in this world. I prefer to be my OWN God. To lead others into a path of self discovery and passion. To not hide who they are. To fight the social norms to find equity against powers that wish to dominate them. I will be reflecting this more in some Persona 5 inspired art down the line. Because I choose to no longer follow the crowd on such matters. I will fight for humanity, the real humanity. Not the one ordained by a selfish group hell bent on controlling the world.
The only question I now have for those that follow me is... do you want to join this effort? Will you walk with me on this life path towards an uncertain future? I don't want to walk alone and I know I don't have to. I love so many people in my life. And I don't want to let the issue of faith ruin my potential for long lasting greatness in my life.
And with that... my story is concluded. I hope to bring more news of my progress of my future. Keep striving to be better, everyone. The world needs stronger people that can challenge the way things are. We can change humanity for the better if we stick together. Do not let religion win in the end. Help us evolve past such antiquated belief systems and let's find out ways to ensure the survival of our species for the long term. We are so much better than words in Holy Texts. Do not be deceived any longer. Only you know what is best for yourself.
