Life, the Universe, and Everything.

"Never really said too much
Afraid it wouldn't be enough
Just try to keep my spirits up
When there's no point in grieving
Doesn't matter anyway
Words could never make me stay
Words will never take my place
When you know I'm leaving"

I was listening to David Cook's "Light On" today and I started crying. Normally, the song does not draw an emotional reaction from me in the slightest. It made me think about the fact that if all goes according to plan, this will be my last Holiday season at my parent's house.

The Last Halloween.
The Last All Saint's Day.
The Last Mom's Birthday.
The Last Thanksgiving.
The Last Dad's Birthday.
The Last Lin's Birthday.
The Last My birthday.
The Last Yule.
The Last Christmas.
The Last New Year's.
In my parent's house.

"Try to leave a light on when I'm gone
Something I rely on to get home
One I can feel at night
A naked light, a fire to keep me warm
Try to leave a light on when I'm gone
Even in the daylight, shine on
And when it's late at night you can look inside
You won't feel so alone"

I started crying at those words. Realizing that in a little while, my life was going to change, and I found myself missing things I never thought I could miss.

"You know we've been down that road
What seems a thousand times before
My back to a closing door and my eyes to the seasons"

I began miss the arguments I have with my parents, the times I would get so frustrated I would walk out of the house and take myself to the park to think and let off my steam.


"That roll out underneath my heels
And you don't know how bad it feels
Leave the only one that I have ever believed in"


I would have to leave the Saturday morning philosophy discussions, the logic problems, the afternoons when I would spend time in the garden with my father.

"Try to leave a light on when I'm gone
Something I rely on to get home
One I can feel at night
A naked light, a fire to keep me warm
Try to leave a light on when I'm gone
Even in the daylight, shine on
And when it's late at night you can look inside
You won't feel so alone"

It hit me how much they would miss me, even if they had someone else to keep them company in the house. I'm their only child.

"Sometimes it feels like we've run out of luck
When the signal keeps on breaking up
When the wires cross in my brain
You'll start my heart again
When I come along
Yea,"

I could never regret making the decision to go. I have to. I have to go out and do what they raised me to do: be myself. I can't regret what is waiting for me, either. I couldn't regret moving to be with someone I loved. But I couldn't deny that I was leaving more than one I loved to do it. It's only distance, but sometimes these things hit one all at once.

I will miss my family.
I will miss my friends.
I will miss the smell of the air coming off of the river.

But I have to do this.

So. . .

"Try to leave a light on when I'm gone
Something I rely on to get home
One I can feel at night
A naked light, a fire to keep me warm
Try to leave a light on when I'm gone
Even in the daylight, shine on
And when it's late at night you can look inside
You won't feel so alone"

Try to leave a light on, and I'll keep one on for you. I love my family and my pack with all my heart, but it's time for this wolf to be her own for once.

"Try to leave a light on when I'm gone
Even in the daylight, shine on
And when it's late at night you can look inside
You won't feel so alone"

Leave a light on for me. I won't feel so alone if I know that someone, somewhere, has lit a candle rather than curse the emptiness of my absence.

Thanks for listening,
~Lenka out.