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Confession/ Vent
4 years ago
Hey, I know I don't post much for journals here, and usually they are pretty light-hearted! I wanted to be serious and post something personal however, and have it here for those who should see it. I'm still not great with words and I don't want this to seem like something quick or whatever; it's really important to me and, I hope, to them too.
I know I've been doing a lot better these past 4 years, like by a whole fucking lot, but I still can't help but feel incredibly and deeply sad about everything.
I don't know if I made the right choices, and I know I didn't go about those choices in the best way.
I have grown a lot as a person and I've been keeping myself in-check and I've fixed my attitude and how I react to situations, but I still feel deep guilt and my depression still sneaks up on me and reminds me of everything.
I wouldn't know what to say, though it was me not saying anything at all that fucked everything up.
I didn't like the choices people made around me so I left. That doesn't excuse my actions though, I stole too. I was selfish as fuck. I was clingy. I was inconsiderate a lot of the time. I know there were things that I didn't like too but I didn't take responsibility for my actions either. I still love them and I was a total fucking asshole for not taking the time to communicate or talk about everything and just ghosting and running away.
I love my friends very much and I really resent myself sometimes. I don't expect them to magically forgive the choices I've made or how I treated them with how I acted. I've been working hard on being completely honest with people and being less angry. Completing projects and things has been really hard and I'm sorry for not finishing things I said I would. I don't like making excuses and I also don't want to let anyone else down; I'm still working to change myself.
This is sort of a vent and also a sort of just putting this out there into the universe.
The only one I'm angry at is myself. The only one I hate in regards to all of this, is myself. I try to forgive myself and I do more for those around me now to compensate, though that doesn't fix what I broke.
This all has been on my mind the entire time.
I'm really, really sorry.
Thank you for taking the time to read.
I know I've been doing a lot better these past 4 years, like by a whole fucking lot, but I still can't help but feel incredibly and deeply sad about everything.
I don't know if I made the right choices, and I know I didn't go about those choices in the best way.
I have grown a lot as a person and I've been keeping myself in-check and I've fixed my attitude and how I react to situations, but I still feel deep guilt and my depression still sneaks up on me and reminds me of everything.
I wouldn't know what to say, though it was me not saying anything at all that fucked everything up.
I didn't like the choices people made around me so I left. That doesn't excuse my actions though, I stole too. I was selfish as fuck. I was clingy. I was inconsiderate a lot of the time. I know there were things that I didn't like too but I didn't take responsibility for my actions either. I still love them and I was a total fucking asshole for not taking the time to communicate or talk about everything and just ghosting and running away.
I love my friends very much and I really resent myself sometimes. I don't expect them to magically forgive the choices I've made or how I treated them with how I acted. I've been working hard on being completely honest with people and being less angry. Completing projects and things has been really hard and I'm sorry for not finishing things I said I would. I don't like making excuses and I also don't want to let anyone else down; I'm still working to change myself.
This is sort of a vent and also a sort of just putting this out there into the universe.
The only one I'm angry at is myself. The only one I hate in regards to all of this, is myself. I try to forgive myself and I do more for those around me now to compensate, though that doesn't fix what I broke.
This all has been on my mind the entire time.
I'm really, really sorry.
Thank you for taking the time to read.
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