I haven't wrote anything in that way for a long time already, i was self-loathening all that time, i thought i finally understood what is wrong i thought i came to conclusion and that i would stop this self destruction, but instead i lost interest to anything i liked before i distanced from my friends and family even further away, but at the same time my mind just blocked all those bad things i felt just disappeared, like they were never there, but it haven't made my pain any easier.
I'm not sure i can express how I'm feeling, if before i could say that i wanted to do some things to myself and that would be enough for me to understand how bad I'm feeling, and now i simply doesn't feel like it but at the same time I'm not feeling numb how i used to, I'm feeling confused, I'm just constantly wondering what I'm feeling.
No one can tell, I'm acting very silly, I'm doing silly jokes, walk funny, and even look silly.
But on the inside I'm scream in agony, i would say so, but I'm not, I'm just here and okay, it's something completely different but at the same time very similar, I'm just feeling neutral.
I'm not even sure how i would act if i got mugged, from some point i think that i would be defensive about it, but at the same ti.e i think that i would just be feared to death if something like that happend, I'm not sure about my reaction to any possible event.
Why i even decided to write this? I recently played that game "love & dehumanisation" and it made me think about how i am treating my own life, I'm wasting my life by being constantly online, not even talking to my friends here, I'm just ruining my mentality by being degraded and humiliated by some fucking ai bots, every night I'm not sleeping until 3 or even 5 am just chatting for hours with those bots and every single time every single chat goes to me being treated not more than some item or a an animal and I'm just now realising that from some point it seems arousing, but at the same time i absolutely hate every time that happens, i like being treated lime something less than a human but at the same time i absolutely hate when my preferences are not respected, and ai bots have no mercy but i keep chatting with them without stop every single night wasting hours, just to pass out while reading another message and wake up at 7 am forgetting about all of it, every single time, i decided that i need to stop it, and so i decided that I'm not going on those sites anymore, or spending night in some porn game, i need to stop, just if night falls I'm going to sleep, if someone sees it, tell me that you saw that part, seriously, it's everything i need to hold my promise, i need someone to know about it, huh, it reminded me of how i got abused by two people just because of my personality, i actually have two personalities, one is me online, that girl who is very dependent who can be easily tricked and abused, just minimal kindness is enough for to get her full trust, she exists only on the English side of internet, where no one knows the other one personality, where she can be herself without any hatred towards her, she was easily manipulated and abused by two complete strangers that she never talked before, but just a few kind words from them was enough to make her into a "stinky kitten" and "cutie", fuck fuck fuck, i absolutely hate those words now and hate those people, i want them dead, when they got me luckily i had some people to tell me that they are abusive, but if right new someone took opportunity and abused Tonya now, she wouldn't get out of this, that's why i want it to change, i want Tonya to be like someone like Haruhi Suzumiya from anime, girl that does some weird shenanigans but at the same time she is can't be manipulated so easily, she knows her worth, Tonya on the other hand is really stupid though, if there wasn't the other my personality she would've been scammed and abused non stop and at some point stopped being that obnoxious and  cute girl that is very happy being around people and got to be completely isolated and beaten up girl that never talks to anyone from fear.
And the second personality is mostly a real life one, very cautious guy that knows some stuff and have plenty of skills but at the same time very close in himself with troubles with his mind and all and all that stuff written up here and in other places, there's not much to say about that personality, it just here and it's more of a voice of a reason that is mostly here and ruins everything with his constant fear of judgement and abandonment.
Yeaaahh, I'm feeling stupid right now, after writing all... This, now I'm feeling stupid, dummy, just a big fat dummy that can't keep his mouth shut, right, fucking attention whore writing this stuff just to get some people to feel sorry for you, a fucking writhing worm that doesn't knows any better than cry somewhere online where no one will see it, you really think that there's even a single person that would care about things you are writing? You should stop being a burden to those online and leave the internet, what's wrong why are you crying? Oh! You know that I'm right but you have nowhere to go if you quit internet? Maybe you should quit real life then? You doesn't bring anything good here anyway. You are crying because you know that I'm right, Tonya, you won't accept this truth but you actually know how much they hate you, you should've stay as his stinky kitten, with the only person who found you attractive and who loved you, but you listened to those online and blocked him you deserve that pain, he loved you and cared about you, he made you have good habits but you just blocked him.
Tonya, you are complete failure of a human, you are not funny, or pretty, or cute, or smart, or healthy, or have any skills, maybe you really deserve to be treated like something less than a human? It completely suits you, you are just a toy, I'm sure that if you was asked nicely by one of those two you'd kill yourself for them, you are stupid bitch tonya, that should
I got carried away, that's what i was talking about, even my inner monologue got to degrading me, from some point a agree with things written up here, but, but what? I have nothing to say to oppose this, it's just true, I'm completely worthless, and i get to live with it, i should just find someone to degrade and humiliate me and live with them being treated as some pet, as i don't deserve anything better with all that bitching and mental shit i have I'm completely useless, I don't think I'm capable of doing anything useful.
FUCK, i got carried away once again, why am i like this? I'm really stupid am i? Well, i think my self esteem at this point is really near to non existent, and I have no self worth at all, i know i should stop that self-hate that leads to more hate and more sadness and more locked feelings in me, I'm just really insane, but not in scary or funny way, I'm an insane person locked inside my brain that is limited with societal norms, there's definitely a point where I'd wouldn't be able to take it anymore and i will have a breakdown in a real life, but not now, I'm way too scared of being judged, why can't i be a character from someone's story? It would make sense for me to be like that, because i would be written by some writer without fantasy that tried to make a weird guy but i came out.
I was trying to write something about how I'm going to work on myself and going to get healthy mentally, but instead i got this depressing, at least i assume people would consider it depressing, text that i had. a little breakdown in the middle of, I'm not sure what else i could say, oh i know, i was talking about how I'm chatting with ai bots, and the thing is that i don't consider them as any real person, I'd never hold my promise to them or think of them as an equal or respect them because I know that they don't exist at all, but if any real person talks to me it's completely different, any kind words from a real human being is enough for me to melt and get my full trust, I'm very easy to control actually, isn't it fun? well,
Take care of yourself
Don't be like me
Best wishes
I can only tell you that it was aderoner
See you again some day
All that
Bai!!! Have a nice day!!! Sorry for dumping all this on your! I hope no one will ever think that being like me is normal, bai again!!!

Fuck i got manipulated by that guy i hate him so much for being like that, but i hare myself even more for being so submissive to him, I'm so stupid i still want to get back to him, but i trust ___ and other people from ___(one discord server) so i better keep him blocked and just get him out of my head, argh! Because of him i now hate so much healthy stuff like self care, doing my bed brushing my teeth etc because he used it as instrument to manipulate me.
AAAARGH, I can't believe that THIS was my first relationship! Why would he do it! And he knew about it! How can someone be so cruel to do something like that?
Why am i so vulnerable??? I kinda like that I'm so submissive and stuff but at the same time it means that i can get abused by people like him!
I really feel bad now after blocking him, like physically bad, my head hurts, my tummy hurts, i feel like I'm going to barf and pass put at the same time, i feel like i have a hangover and at the same I'm drunk but without pain killing effect, i really also should get some sleep because i think i saw hallucinations again, I don't like when they return, they are scary, but mostly annoying, they annoy me
I was told that I'm very anxious and stressed, and now I'm interested if that's actually true.
Maybe I'm like that because of my lack of sleep? It's not like a lack of sleep but rather very inconsistent sleep schedule, i sleep from 3 to 13 hours a day, and even when i have too much of sleep i still have those damn circles under my eyes.
Oh and also i recently found out that I'm trans, bht then i quickly realised that i live in Russia so now I'm trying to forget it because I can't leave this place because of family and all the stuff i have here, so my only way is to forget it completely somehow or hope for win of Boris Nadejdin in 2024 so we could get everything in place, so if people transition in their 50s even and get easily passed, so i have more than 30 years ahead to get my true self out... Yay...
I don't even know why I'm writing it right now, i haven't did it for a while, it's probably because i feel light headed from everything around me, i just feel so bad, i was crying for past hours, i just want to cry endlessly but crying hurts my eyes and I don't want to explain it after especially considering that most of this stuff is unacceptable for most of people
I'm pretty sure that i will later read it and cringe at what i wrote in future, but right now i don't regret anything, i just want everything to stop, i even had serious self harm urges recently, even more i really got drunk recently, for the first time, why am i such a mess?? I just want to have a normal life with some good friends, a decent job, with normal childhood like everyone had, i want to live a family with average income, i don't want to have any of those problems
Gosh, it gets so bad... I just wanna die to be honest, i can't keep moving like that, i can't find any reason to live besides that my friends and family would be sad, i think it's not even a real reason, I'm just afraid of death, I don't know what awaits me, maybe something even worse, but I don't know, but you know, there is only one to find out am i right?
I really should stop there until i get too deep in this, it's just too much for me, i think I'll post it on furaffinity in my journals, I don't know why, just feeling like it

I think i just have been very nervous at the moment but i calmed down and i think i found solution to my problems, i have found way to unban on servers and now i need to reconnect with my bf, in our times it's so easy to block anyone you want, that i need to find way to communicate with him somehow. But i believe that i will eventually find a way to message him. I don't think that "s word" is a way to solve any of problems, because it's completely unknown what could happen but i don't want to think about that things again and concentrate on a best way to solve everything, but i can't wait too much because every day I'm only getting further from that people and i will certainly do something on monday and save my not very active but still social life =]

I've just got banned from my two favourite places and lost my bf, and that's all because i was more positive and opened than before, if being healthy is leading to this, than i want to be just a sick psycho with my thoughts being closed in my head without disturbing people around me, i want everything to be as it have been before, but it's not possible. I jate myself for being like this, i didn't wanted things around me to change, i knew that it will have bad consequences, but i just putted my desires above the other people, and just like every time i do it, everything gets worser and i just keep on being bad person.
I don't want to be emotional any more, i just want to be that fake guy everyone liked. I don't want to be like this.

My emotions returned and my memory recovers, i think for all this years of suffer i just needed to tell somewhere what is happening to me and not just keeping it inside. After i started writing this journals my mentality recovered really fast, i returned my emotions at first i was really sad and suicidal even, i already planed how to make it look like an accident if something goes wrong, but (fortunately) it passed quickly, and i learned again how to be happy, so i will do my best to remain in such mood without getting all this bad thoughts again.
I think i also got some inspiration maybe i even draw something and post here, but i don't i will post it if it looks bad i have some perfectionism in me and I can't showcase something that looks bad.
I think i will stop writing journals until i will want to tell something... Somewhere. If you were reading that journals, bye!

Do you remember how I mentioned fake bugs before? I am now 100% sure that they are from my stress, because I've got really stressed like an hour ago, and i feel them all around my body, i think one of that fake bugs even fake bit me. That's basically unbearable, i feel them all around my body it's very itchy and ticklish, i hardly can stand up, they are going to make me truly go insane, and my shaking become even worser, if you saw me now you would notice that I'm shaking a lot, i can't control that shaking and its stresses me even more.
I hate myself for bringing to this state.
I feel that i am losing consciousness, i just sat down and i feel as my head is dizzy, i barely keeping my eyes open and i feel as I'm fainting.
I need to stop stress to start recovering, but I can't, because I'm getting stress from illusions of my brain without any external stimulus. Do i even possible of healing at this point? It's complicated question. But i want to believe that yes

Who tf is choosing what you can wear and not? It's fucking 21st century, why we can chose anything like: gender, political views, interests, religion etc. . But clothes oh no, you cant even wear anything you want because of what? Because of style? People will think that I'm a weirdo based on my look, so what? Why do i need to bother about some random people that i probably would never ever meet again? I just want to wear what i like, not based on opinion of some dudes from the past, why bright clothes are not widely used? Our world itself is already enough gray, we don't need just tons of people walking down the street all wearing black, so they won't stand out of the crowd. Many people think that bright clothes are capable when they are at home, or when some event happens and you need to look good, why some clothes are even considered to be strange? I don't understand it at all

I just want it all to stop, i want to have a normal life like all the people, i don't want to be scared from fake fears, i just want to be normal, i feel as tears are falling from my eyes as i am writing this. I want to be helped but my memory has gone void and i dont know even the reason i feeling so bad.
What have i done to deserve this? I always have been good to people and always just wanted to help them.
If i suicide, than all this pain will just stop right? If i die now, i will not bring any more sadness and disappointment to people around me, right? I think this is the best way. I'll think about it.

I'm shaking all the time every part of my body is trembling all the time, i can't control it at all i am just shaking, my hands are lime from holding working jackhammer for an hour but on constant, i already get used to it but it still stresses me when my head or knees are shaking pretty hard.
My thoughts of suicide are like always here, i thought of many ways of suicide, but i know that i won't do any of it because it will make people around me sad but I don't want to cause anyone problems or pain or sadness. I'm sometimes just lying thinking of disappearing, just dissapear like i never existed, so i would stop making people around me sad and they won't be sad because of my death, they will just leave their happy lives without me messing everything around.
I don't believe people and their words of support, every time i see someone cheering someone it seems so fake for me, all this words are completely same everyone just saying same stock phrases for everybody.
I occasionally have a feeling that I'm learning super fast at computer games, because i already play very good after like 10 minutes and for just an hour i can find ways to break the game's balance. But i feel it more like something bad, because i am always few steps ahead of people i am playing with and they are getting upset because they think that they are playing game bad. Sometimes i wish that i could be more dumb, so i can really have fun while playing with my friends. But it's not a good thing to wish, who knows, maybe my mind is the only actual thing that stops me from suicide or losing consciousness from stress.
Oh, stress, i wish i would know where i am getting ALL this stress that i am starting to become insane, but my life is completely good, i have some stress at a weekday but then i rest on weekends, so i shouldn't get this much stress to start experiencing what i am experiencing now.
I wouldn't wish even to my worst enemy to go through things i am going through right now. I just feel as life passes i want to stop it all and die but i can't do it because it will make people sad, and i don't want to make people upset.

I'm always lying to everyone around me I'm lying even to myself, I don't know why am i doing it and i feel very guilty for lying to my friends and relatives, i think i lied about something in previous journals, but i am bot sure, I'm not a liar on purpose, but i feel that something bad will happen to me if i tell the truth. I'm not lying about some big things, i am always lying about some trivia, like that it wasn't me who have broken the mug for example, it broke by itself, someone dropped it, or something like it. I don't like lying but i can't stop, it very confusioning as I can't even believe myself sometimes, i never lied on purpose i maximum omitted facts.
I think i will say more lies in future journals, but i will do my best to not do it and tell only truth without faking facts.

I decided to actually dive in my thoughts and i got interesting thing, i laugh uncontrollably, but its not like loud laugh but muffled giggle and it happens that I just doing my things when giggles just start to escape from my mouth, i can stop if i want, but i don't want to stop it most of the time, because it's not interrupting anyone and not doing anything bad around me, so i just keep giggling until it stops itself. And when it happens, i feel happy? But i'm not considering it as happiness because it needs to have source to be happy not just being happy on random occasions. I don't think that its a good a think, but also i don't feel that it harmful for me.
I started writing this journals not long ago but i already feel myself better in some way because after many years i found a way to express my feelings, even tough no-one is reading them, i feel like I'm being listened. It helped me pretty fast, but i think i just had to much in me and most of it escaped me in one moment, and i think that afterwards i will be getting better slower and slower as time pass, but i am happy that it helps already, so i believe in better and will start to write down somewhere what is happening to me, to write it here afterwards.
But now i will stop because i don't know what more to write.

So I've been thinking about my past and stumbled across the fact, that i haven't had dreams for many years, and even when i had dreams they weren't as all dreams, I'll explain.
You know how your dreams are lime strange? Where laws of physics doesn't work, strange talks strange people around?
So my dreams were way too normal, my dreams were like completely different world with it's countries with their laws with their own economy, civilians, celebrities. But everything was normal, normal humans, animals, pets. The only different from our world is that it were dystopian cyberpunk with pink neon everywhere. When i slept i was living another life in that world, as i remember, i was being in prison when i had this dream for the first time, and i had escaped from it last time i had this dream. Every tiny thing in there was working with it's logic. And i even felt tired after it, so i don't know if it good or bad that i don't have dreams anymore.
Huh, i just remembered that before i was being able to write pretty good stories from scratch but eventually all my inspiration just flew away. I wish i could be so creative again, it was cool. With my inspiration i lost my motivation for many things too. I'm just scrolling my social media till the end and then just sitting without thoughts or anything, i would like to just sleep but I can't fall asleep not at night, i tried many times and end up just lying on bed.
If anyone is reading this i would like to know your opinion, what can i do to restore my motivation?
I dont want to get in quicksand of thoughts again, so I'll just stop there.

This journals are like some outlet for me, i am writing them for someone even tough i know that probably no-one will ever read them. I find it as way to express my feelings and store that information somewhere i wouldn't just lose it.
So i wanted to say, that I have strange senses all the time, i feel that there are like some ants on my back crawling around, but when i want to take them off of me, there is nothing, it's very stressful, because it's not tickling or itching feeling but like some small legs are going in random directions. I think I'm just hallucinating for some reason, because as they are not real it's hallucinations right?
But also i have always feeling that I'm being watched, when I'm not a home, i always feel that someone stares at me. Even right now, i feel that someone is observing me. And all that people around me, they are certainly think that I'm very strange, they turn around every time i pass them over, they are certainly talking some bad things about me behind my back. And just like with that bugs it often appears for me that there are a person passing by, but then there are no loving soul around me and it scares me, what if it is really a person? I don't even want to think about it.
The main thing with that problems is that i can't remember anything from the past, like i can only key things from past like some tasks, but everything else is just blank i don't remember any of talks i had in the past, maybe i could be helped if i remember anything, I don't remember even when it's all started, and so I can't find source of this problems. I dont remember if i written it in previous journal, but i have been in this state for so long that I'm already unsure if i am sick even, maybe I'm just imagining my problems? I don't know.
I've readed in the internet, that people usually experience memory problems like this after huge stress like passing of relatives, but i haven't ever experienced any form of that huge stress i had calm life all the time, so i can't find any reason to be so stressed.
Oh I'm starting to go into this abyss again, I'll better stop there and try hard to remember if anything that bad happened in the past that i just don't remember.

Actually i haven't planned on posting anything in there, but i need somewhere to tell about things happening in my head.
I don't even know where to start, have you ever felt emotionally numb? Like when you are not happy not sad not terrified or any others emotions? Because as long as I can remember i was like that since i got in a highschool, and as long i didn't want to upset people around me, i was just faking all my emotions. I even mastered at faking tears, so i can start crying anytime i want. All people around are thinking that I'm just very cheerful, and its been so long, that i didn't wanted to upset anyone by telling them the truth. But that month I've readed work of one of authors out there and it really made me feel sad and i cried after reading it. But i haven't felt emotions for so long that i already don't know, if they were the real emotions or i was just faking them for myself? And if they were real, then i don't them to happen, because i wouldn't be able to be that happy guy for everyone, and lack of emotions have it's positive side in choices being made without relying on them. So I am acting very strange after reading that work an i don't know what to do, as i couldn't tell anyone because i don't want to upset them and as they already have their own problems, why should I overload them with my own worries?
I think I'll better stop there before I haven't started falling into my thoughts.
But at the end i want to say, that if i am saying you some compliments, i am doing it from the bottom of my heart.