Wow, what a con it was. I went into this knowing it was going to be at least a good time, and that it was. I thought last year was a fantastic social experience, but this year beat that by a lot.

Day 0, Wednesday:

I showed up fairly late on Wednesday, at around 7:30pm. Initially I wasn't going to go down until Thursday, but a certain blue cat convinced me that I should (mostly because he insisted upon being met at the airport by someone). Given that, I didn't necessarily get up to a lot, but I did already start running into people I knew. RF has become big enough that Wednesday and Monday have a significant number of people there, the former in particular. I registered, saving a lot of time on Thursday. Watched Tugs' blanket fort being constructed, which is quite the engineering feat in itself.

Day 1, Thursday:

A good chunk of this day would end up consumed by putting wrong directions into Google maps in the process of going to pick up Ixyao. Eventually we made it back to the con, having also stopped for food and a trip to Target to acquire swim trunks. Considering I was driving for a good portion of that day, it's understandable that I only made four tweets. There was some playtime after all this, and I think later in the evening I met up with Raevis and Flu.

Day 2, Friday:

Now the con's getting busy; lots of people are showing up and parties would start happening. Went out to IHOP with Tugs and Padder and Scritch and Morris. Later, headed up to the dealers' den to pick up my shirt, and later than that, acquired my badge from LilChu. There was some time out in the pool that evening. Of course, just as I'm getting dried off to go elsewhere, Zarek comes by and tries to coerce me back in, but I had food to eat and naughties to make happen.

Day 3, Saturday:

A great day, started with some playtime. Game room was a feature, played some cool stuff in there. Dinner at Mongolian was a success, though parking afterward was not; had to get a $9 pass for the night to use the overflow lot. Went for the pool again afterward; I really reminded myself of how I like swimming at this con, despite not being good at it. Tried to convince a few others to join me, but nobody showed. Ended up being out there for a good two and a half hours, largely in part to Trapa and others showing up to the hot tub, with whom I enjoyed chatting for a good while. Ended up at Tugs' party, a repeat feature, but the best night was yet to come.

Day 4, Sunday:

More naughties this day, to round out the total to five for the con. Pretty well done, considering I've had previous years cap at 0. More stuff in the game room, including actually winning a round of Race for the Galaxy, and almost beating Flu at Dixit. Tugs' party was the real highlight, and a great way to round out the weekend. His Mickey Mouse voice is creepily perfect, and turns out Padder does a spot on Hank Hill. Me, I worked on my Toad voice, aiming to be as annoying as possible, and I believe I succeeded. I got druuuuuuunk, enough so that I actually woke up with a hangover next morning, despite chugging water before bed.

Day 5, Monday:

Hating Mondays is entirely justified, especially when it means the end of RF. There's not a lot to say about it. Got up, showered, packed up, and after a final sweep of the room, we were out. Took my stuff out to my car and then stuck around in the lobby for a while. Initially I planned on staying there until about 2pm, but by about 12:30 it became clear that I'd already seen everyone I hoped to send off, so I called it a con and left. The earlier departure did make sure that I had no traffic to fight through, though, so no complaints there.

So yes, six days of great fun were had. I met several people I'd hoped to meet, knowing them only from Twitter/IRC/Skype/etc. previously. As this con gets bigger, and I make more friends, it gets tougher and tougher to feel like I'm managing my time well. I don't necessarily regret any of the decisions I did make, but I do wish I could rewind to Wednesday and take another run at it, making different decisions along the way, to get a different set of experiences. It's literally impossible by now to not be missing out on something. There were some people I didn't get to see at all, and if anything, that's my only regret. A couple of them are local, though (one of which I keep having to be reminded of that fact), so it's not like I can't make up for it later on.

Undoubtedly there's stuff I'm forgetting in this whole recap; I assisted myself as best I could with my Twitter history, but it's not gonna be perfect. Overall, I'm glad I didn't staff this year, but it did still feel weird, not being involved. Next year I'll get back into that swing, but this year, I needed the least amount of stress possible, and I believe I accomplished that well.

Going to RF? Wanna help the con? Reg is looking kinda short on people and we could really use a few more volunteers to make sure things run smoothly. Fling an email to registration[at]rainfurrest.com if you're interested in helping us get the staff we need., and please spread the word if you can. :)

www.twitch.tv/adilor18

Fairly random assortment of stuff, mostly whatever I feel like playing. Usually I'm on afternoons into early-mid evening Pacific time.

Also yes, 7/7 is my birthday. 29 is entirely not special.

I have some dirty smutty plans for her. Hopefully I'll have motivation to actually finish this one, because damn it's been an obsessive fantasy for days and I think I need to get it out of my head to make room for other stuff.

Requests? Suggestions? Y/N/Q?

Also I have 9999 tweets, brb never tweeting again ever

Guess I'll be back on it for a while, now that it's officially released. The only real reason I quit in the first place is because it got too intolerably laggy, but it seems to be far better now. :)

Best bet during the evenings before 8PM is in the reg room. Anytime else, you're best off attacking me on Twitter.

TMI questions, GO. Attack me on Twitter for less questions and more of me saying silly things that don't actually embarrass me, because I'm impossible to embarrass.

Everyone likes money. It's a proven fact. I want more of it, what with Rainfurrest and a necessary move coming up. So, once again, I ask if anyone would be interested in writing commissions, this time in a pay what you want format with incentives! Baseline of a cent per word, with more generous payments garnering better rates, down to a potential maximum rate of .75 cents per word. Case by case basis, or maybe I'll setup a chart for it, depending on the level of interest in all this.

Alternately, Steam wallet funds. Got some Steam cash you'd rather trade for something more readable? I might just write for it. Of course, it's not tangible cash that I can spend on worldly expenses, so it would come at a reduced rate. Baseline for it will be 1.3 cents to the word, down to a potential 1.1 per word. For example, you could pick up "Dust: An Elysian Tail" for me (top of my wishlist ;P), a $14.99 game, and that would net you at least 1153 words. Trading cards would be acceptable as well, at a premium rate of 140% of their market value, then converted into the 1.3 cents per word baseline. The caveat with those, however, is that it has to be a game that I actually own. Check out my profile here to see what you have that I might accept.

Interested? PM me if you know what you want and we can work out some details (if you have me on any messengers or IRC or whatever, prefer that first, as it's easier to converse there than through site PMs). Questions or comments, feel free to comment below. Do feel free to constructively criticize my methods or offer suggestions, as I'm very new to actually doing writing commissions.

What'cha gonna get me for my b-day? Huh? HUH? :D

Except I don't know how to behave.

So, for those of you that don't follow me on Twitter, Abbey and I have parted ways after a good 26 months. It was a good run, and I wouldn't trade that time for anything in the world. I enjoyed every moment we spent together, and I'm quite saddened that those moments won't continue to be. Maybe I was thinking too far ahead, but I envisioned us staying close, getting our own place, growing old together, all that sappy stuff. I suppose it just wasn't meant to be.

I'm not gonna go too much into specific details, as the conversation that led up to this really should remain between myself and Abbey. Suffice to say, though, that this wasn't a breakup on bad terms. As time passed, it started to become more clear that we didn't mesh as well as was initially thought. There was a lot of magic at first that helped to build a solid relationship, but there's not enough between us to really complement each other and keep it sustained.

It may have been a lot my fault, but that's impossible to say for sure. The attachment was quite imbalanced in my favor. I'm sure there are some things that I missed, some signs I failed to pick up on, but whether things would've continued had I been more attentive can't really be said by either of us.

Moving forward, I don't know if I'll try again. Most of my relationship attempts have ended this way, with me on the receiving end of a breakup conversation. I've gotten better about not jumping on attachments so quickly, and I feel like I'm making good decisions on who to pursue. What I question is whether I'm actually good relationship material. I have a critical fault in not being good at driving conversations, nor am I good at stating what I want.

People, furries, anyone, treasure your loved ones. Make that most special person in your life really feel your presence; show them how much you really care. If your relationship is missing something, find out what it is and do your best to fill that gap. Talk to your partner(s), ask them how they're doing. Make every little thing count.

Abbey, if you do read this, I just want you to be happy with your life, even if it doesn't involve me being so close to you. The time we spent together meant everything to me, and you were the most special thing in the world, even if I wasn't good at showing it. I would very much like to hear from you again someday, but I don't want there to be any pressure. Take your time, gather yourself, and I'll still be here should you want a goofy fox around.

Thank you all for reading.

I'm a fox. AMA. :3

That might just be me in about a month. Yes, this is more bad news; I don't recommend reading it if you're already having a terrible day.

So, here's the deal. I've been given a deadline of January 15th. At that point, if I don't have some stream of income lined up, I'm getting the boot. Why? I don't know. Removing me from the household doesn't really solve any problems besides slightly lessening the utility bills. I understand the basic reasoning, yes, but that doesn't mean it isn't flawed. My opinions on the matter, however, are biased and don't have any sort of impact on the situation.

The impact this will have on my life is obviously tremendous. I will not be homeless; this much I can guarantee. However, unless I can find someone else up here that will take me in on the understanding that the job market is absolute shit and that it might take me a while to get going, I'm going to be forced back down to Oregon, from whence I came. Regardless of which parent I retreat to, this completely kills my social life. It detaches me from everyone I know and everything I have. Particularly, it makes it impossible to follow up on any work potential up here, and it physically separates me from the love of my life.

So, solutions to this predicament.

1: Employment. This basically fixes everything. If I'm contributing, my housing situation isn't in a state of jeopardy, and I can start rebuilding my life and working towards goals that have been on hold for many months, including getting my own place and rescuing Abbey from her parents.

It is not nearly as easy as just saying the word, though. I've been trying at this for quite some time, and it seems awfully difficult to get employers to want to care about me. It is also made more difficult by the fact that I can't perform at anything that requires me to be standing all day, due to some physiological condition that probably has a name. Suffice to say that, if I'm kept standing for a full shift, by the end, everything from the ankle down is suffering debilitating amounts of pain. I don't have qualifications or certifications. The only real positive I have is over three years of customer service/tech support experience. I've had temporary contracts up here, but have been so far unable to land anything long term.

I also don't expect much outside help on this avenue, because really, there's not a whole lot most can do, unless you're a recruiter for someplace or have some sort of inside edge that can get me something.

2: Alternate housing. This is where everyone else comes in, potentially buying me some more time to get my life together. Simply put, if you're in the Puget Sound area and can take me in, or if you know of someone that might, I need all the help I can get right now. I've had to resort to being on EBT for several months in order to feed myself, and I certainly don't absolutely need every bit that I get every month, so that could be considered a contribution.

Barring either of these, I'm shoved back down to Oregon, from which I may not be able to return for quite some time. Those of you that know me, know that I don't often ask for help from others. I try my best to be self sufficient, and even being in such a state of financial instability, somehow I still manage.

This is not something I can overcome alone.

I know it's a four day con, but being on staff means I get to spend a couple extra days there. :P Tweet or text at me if you're there and wanna do something; I won't be on IMs or IRC much, if at all.

RF2012 is coming up fast, and we still need more badge insert art. Even if you're not going to the convention, you can still help support us! We need all submissions in by this Wednesday, August 15th, so interested parties will need to get their art in quickly. For details on submission size, theme, and contact information, please use this link:

http://myfur.net/forums/topic/376/

While the contest is closed, we do still need more artwork. Compensation may still be given for submissions, at the discretion of the registration department.

Also, even if you're not an artist, or not able to submit anything on such short notice, you can still help us out by reposting your own journal. Spread the word any way you can! Every little bit of assistance is greatly appreciated. :)

Also also, for those attending the con, registration could use more volunteers to help out on Thursday and Friday! Let me know if you're interested and I'll get you in touch with our lead.

Leaving tomorrow morning, early. 14 hours or so of travel, but totally worth it.

I turned 27 yesterday. Just a "for the record" kind of thing. :P

I'll be playing, though maybe not at midnight. I'm anticipating work that day, in which case, I'll be about 12 hours behind everyone else. :P

Adilor#1486 if you wanna add me, though please drop a comment if you do so, so I know who's who.

Above all, I kinda hope some of the people I'm trying to get to know read this. It contains a fair amount of useful information about me that would help others to much better understand the confusing being that is myself.

I don't honestly expect replies to this. I kinda just need to vent a bit, dump some thoughts out of my cluttered head, and making two dozen tweets in a row would probably irritate people. So, basically, don't feel bad if you just read and click away, or not even read through at all. I'm mostly just ranting about my own personal inadequacies. This is going to be very much a stream of consciousness thing; it's how I often write. Expect randomness and tangents that make no sense whatsoever.

Also, the third next paragraph is quite sexual in nature. The fourth is both sexual and babyfurry. Feel free to skip along if either of these might bug you.

My life seems too oxymoronic for its own good. I'm a loner by nature, but I really wish I had more good friends that I could hang out with on a regular basis. Sitting around at home sucks when it's the same damn thing every day. Find some games to occupy my time, put in some job apps that likely won't get replies, slightly interact with housemates, repeat ad infinitum.

One could say I have a lot of friends. Friends is a loose term, though, and a lot of them feel more like acquaintances. Several in mind, as I type this, are fellow furs in the area that I've met through Twitter and have yet to actually meet RL, or have only met once or twice. I want to be able to improve a lot of these friendships, but this is just such a damned impossible thing for me to do, given my passive nature. I worry that people find me as a boring person, and I'm sure some do. There's a question I can never answer, and that's the eternal, "What do you want to do?" I never have a good answer to it, as I'm so damned indecisive. My head blanks out, and I get nothing. The only way I ever really do stuff is if I'm directly invited, or happen to get pulled into a group activity of some sort; it's never initiated by me.

I sometimes think that I'm far too sexual for my own good. A big part of getting to know new people, for me, is figuring out how sexual they are, and if significantly so, exploring avenues of playtime inevitably runs across my mind. This is very hard countered by the fact that I'm far too submissive and passive to even open my mouth and just ask. I can't make myself approach people about it. It might take weeks or even months, but I'll wait patiently for some comment to come up that springs even a slight opportunity, follow it with a sort of probe, and then from there it's either a closed book or an open floodgate. If the reaction is positive, I go kinda nuts with it, and sometimes worry that I'm pressing the subject too hard (like a fox), but thankfully that's never really been the case. That's the point at which I really feel I start connecting with someone.

The sexual side amplifies up to a significantly higher factor when dealing with other fellow babyfurs. My cub side has a very strong connection to my sexual ways, which I know is not necessarily the norm. I know a lot of 'em who found their cub sides through ways entirely nonsexual, and this makes me even more hesitant to approach the matter. I don't want to come off as a complete horndog, especially on a first impression, especially as I'm trying to make more babyfur friends, especially if they're local by any means. So again, I go back to hoping that I'll get a chance to pry at it slightly, hope for a chance to explore my immense sexuality with someone.

I still lose touch with people. I keep saying I'm trying to work on this, but it just seems like an impossible task. I wonder if maybe I'm spreading myself too thin. I'd be likely chatting nonstop if I kept up as much as I wanted with everyone I liked. It doesn't help that I'm terrible with casual conversation. Usually if I message someone, I have a good reason; small talk is not something I do. Conversations may die off quickly, but I can't just artificially sustain them.

I definitely have issues, tough ones.

Would any of you actually be interested? I think maybe getting paid a bit for writing might help to motivate me to doing it more, and I've entertained the idea a few times. I'm just curious as to whether anyone would actually want to commission a piece from me. I'm flexible with length and content. Thoughts?

Going. Time off is confirmed, and I'll have reg and plane fare done next week.

I've been doing some thinking lately...no, that's a fucking terrible way to start this. Besides, lately is not a good word to describe how long I've been pondering on this, not to mention the fact that it's needed to be done for longer.

I've wronged a fair number of people over my time on this earth of ours. Generally it's not my direct intention. More often, it's my lack of action that hurts others, like my negligence to voice my opinions or problems. It's a terrible, terrible flaw, and it's something I doubt I'll ever get over. Others I've wronged just through simply being myself. There was a time during which I tried to be friends with everyone. Many times I hid certain aspects of myself, solely in the interest of making friends. I have my wonderful sweetheart Abbey to thank for bringing a new sort of standard to my life, summed up in one quote. "It's better to be hated for who you're are than loved for something you aren't." I've been trying to take this completely to heart, which most significantly, involves being more open with my cub side. It's been a while since I've accepted the fact that I like boys a lot more than girls, and now the next hurdle is dropping any semblance of facade about my other decisions about who I want to be. I need to stop hiding it. I don't regret this lifestyle choice one bit; what I do regret is how I've hidden this truth from others over time.

So, the first big point of this journal is yes, to out myself. Maybe it's not as big as that, given how open I've been as of late on Twitter and IRC, but I still want to state my piece on it. I'm a babyfur, and not everyone is going to like me for it. I'm sure this will attract attention, both positive and negative. New friends will be made, old friends will be lost. The ones I can call true friends will accept me for who I am, and I already realize this. The negativity will be shrugged off, and while I can't say it won't affect me, I'm going to do my best to let it take only the most minimal of toll on me.

The second big point of this journal highlights on a few more specific individuals. Like I stated, I've wronged a number of individuals, and for some of these, I have quite a lot of regret. I know I can never completely right any of these, but I still feel like I need to make these apologies. This part, specifically, has been in the making for a long time, and needed to happen some time ago.

Firstly, to Zander and Skylar. The best way I can put it into words is that I feel like I wasted your time and attention. I have nothing but the utmost thanks for what you two tried to do for me. It was a very bold, very impulsive decision. I regret making it, but not because of you two. I regret specifically leaving what I had. I at least had some semblance of stability before the move, and things did not go fantastically down there, as we saw. I feel like I didn't give you two a proper chance. It was too easy for me to lapse into my own, individual, hermit-like lifestyle. This is still something I need to change. To wrap up this point, please don't think that it was specifically you two that pushed me away. The climate alone was a huge factor; I know I wouldn't be surviving down there. I had problems in February, when it was only pushing into the 80s, and it seemed as though my allergies never stopped. In a way, I got homesick for the northwest, and of course, I found someone I could really love. My heart pulled me back north, being a stronger force than anything that could be considered to be pushing me away.

Secondly, a blanket apology to a lot of furs. I have some communication issues. I have difficulty when it comes to speaking my mind, especially on significant problems. I also have a very bad way about losing touch with people that I do actually care about and enjoy talking to. Unless I've specifically told you that I don't want to speak with you, never assume this is the case with me. I'm very passive and introverted by nature, and it's not often that I initiate conversations; usually when I do, it's business, or I specifically need something, which I realize makes me seem even worse of character. So, to those of you that do care about me, I want to hear from you. Even if it's just a simple hi, how have you been, it does mean something to me. I understand that the rift created will be too great for some, and I completely respect your decision to keep the silence, be you one of those.

Third, to all the artists that have ever done anything for me, commissioned or gifts. Aside from a few of you, I've been in extreme neglect when it comes to posting what you've done. At some point relatively soon, I'll be rounding up all the images of me and posting them, as many of I can to FA, and everything to IB, giving due credit, of course. I appreciate every piece, and I should be showing that appreciation.

Lastly, to those I didn't notify when I moved, twice. This kinda goes along with my communication issues. I know several of you were saddened, and some upset with me, to find out that I'd packed up and left without saying anything. Just know that I never meant to deliberately hide it.

The third point I'd like to hit in this journal is about myself. Specifically, the persona known as Aethos Dirakuu Loricandis is no more. When I made that name, I was significantly different. I've changed a lot over time. I've matured, shrugged off some old ways, and picked up new habits and behaviors. I'll still be Adilor. That old name, while no longer so accurate, still does have historical significance. It will remain such, in the same way it always has, compressed into the name you all know. Adilor Solthaer will be the new moniker. It represents me making some personal changes, my gaze focused on making my future better, and doing what I can to minimize and rectify the negativity from my past.

I'm trying. I know I have a long ways to go, but I'm trying.

tl;dr Go fucking read the whole thing. This actually has great emotional significance to me, and if that's not something you care about, then it doesn't apply to you.

I caved. Follow adilor18 if you want, though I won't be super active on it. :P

The past couple weeks have made me wonder what I'm doing here. I don't seem to belong. What friends I've tried to make either don't seem interested in me at all, or turn out to be people with significant social or personality disorders. The only friends I feel like I have right now are the ones I had before I moved down here 3 months ago.

My allergies are hellacious down here. The dry climate is wreaking havoc on my sinuses. Even back in January I was dealing with this, and that's not something that ever happened in Oregon. Even right now as I sit here typing this, I've got a roll of toilet paper next to me (for lack of a box of tissues, which I'd go through in a few days like this anyway), ready for the next inevitable sneeze. I know medication will only be a waste of money, just as it always has been.

I'm emotionally starved. I feel like, once again, that the only two people who even remotely care about me at all are the two that convinced me that moving down here was a good idea...and even then I'm not feeling it that much. An utter lack of physical contact doesn't help this, either. Typical as it might sound, I feel just completely unloved, like all I am to them is just a friend, when I was supposed to be more than that.

I daresay I've made a very hasty, unwise decision in moving so far from what I know. There's a very strong desire for me to move back up north, and even further; I'd be going all the way to Seattle. I have many a friend there that would be glad to know that I'm moving within casual visiting range. Not only that...but there's someone up there that wants me more than anyone else...and I want her too. Moreso than I've ever felt at any point previously in my life, I feel like I've found someone I can truly love.

New phone is activated and running, but now I need to rebuild my contacts. So, if you have my number, text me and let me know who you are. IMs and notes would work too.

For all of you that have my number and like to text me, do be advised that my phone is out of commission. I'll be getting a new one hopefully in 2 weeks once I get paid.